My husband has rejected me sexually for the last few years. I have treid everything in my power to express how I feel, including talking, crying, dressing sexy, EVERYTHING! I feel more alone now in my marriage than I did when I was single. Please help

It sounds like you have several different layers of problems in your marriage. Here’s what I’ve gathered:

  1. He won’t touch you sexually
  2. You have very little communication
  3. You feel no intimacy
  4. He is bottling himself up, even going so far as to refuse you access to the family’s finances.

This is a multi-faceted problem, and seems linked to his need for control. In many issues like this, sexual problems follow because to share yourself sexually with someone is to give that person a certain level of control over you. You need to have a discussion about what he feels is a proper marriage relationship. Ask him where he wants the two of you to be in five years, or in ten years. How are you going to get there? If you have children, how does he want to raise them?

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If he won’t talk to you about these things, then going to a counsellor is probably a very important idea. I am also very concerned about the lack of sharing of family finances. That’s a big warning sign to me, and I think a third person probably needs to be involved.

Additionally, if a man is not interested in sex, there’s a strong likelihood he is getting sexual release some other way, either through pornography or masturbation. This is a hard topic to broach with him, but it’s worth asking.

If this is not the case, he likely has some deep-seated issues, probably stemming from his family of origin, which make any kind of lack of control or vulnerability too scary for him. It really sounds like he needs to see a counsellor. I don’t know your situation, and I’m not sure how to get him to one, but if you contact your church or some other large churches in the area, they probably have some counsellors they could refer you to. And pray, pray, pray that he will go! Also, please, know that you are not to blame. You said in your letter that you have tried to dress sexy and get him to notice you, and he hasn’t. It doesn’t sound like this is an issue with you at all. I know you probably feel very rejected, but know that God will never reject you. This is not your fault. Pray that you can support your husband in being the kind of person that he is meant to be — freed to serve God rather than scared of life. If he won’t go for counselling, you probably should just to have someone to talk to and discuss your options with him. This is a very difficult situation to be in, and you shouldn’t work through it alone.

Copyright © 2006 Sheila Wray Gregoire, used with permission. Visit Shiela at

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