Broken Up Over Our Breakup
Q
My fiancée recently broke up with me, citing differences in our opinions and likes. However, in the initial stage of our dating relationship, she happily proclaimed we were perfectly compatible. What on earth could have happened? I’m so hurt by her turnabout.
A
How painful it is to feel broken up over a breakup! You put your heart and soul on the line, entrusting your future mate with your love. So when she tells you, “I don’t love you anymore,” you just want to pull the covers over your head and pretend you’re dreaming. It’s perfectly normal to go through this phase of disbelief and denial about what actually happened–but the first step toward healing is for you to face the sad and tragic truth.
Despite your disbelief that this turn of events could ever happen, think about the possibility your relationship with your fiancée actually was “too good to be true.” You may not want to believe this (denial), but her words, “perfectly compatible,” suggest this likelihood. No one is perfectly compatible. The beginning of a relationship is often idealized, and we give up that ideal reluctantly.
It appears likely your “perfectly compatible” relationship gave way to reality—and perhaps problems existed to which neither of you attended. She didn’t share her doubts with you, or any mounting concerns that finally gave way to her “turnaround.” What was brewing inside her finally gave way to what appeared to be a drastic change, but was more likely a gradual shift you couldn’t see and she didn’t share.
As you deal with the truth of this painful loss, here are a few additional thoughts to help you move forward:
First, realize you missed some cues she failed to clearly share. As you move forward, decide to be as attuned as possible in future relationships. Be committed to knowing the truth and attending to the kinds of cues you previously may have missed. This does not mean being hyper-vigilant, but rather attentive.
Second, communicate, communicate, communicate. Here is a bit of guidance that will serve you well: “Make the unspoken, spoken.” Keep issues clearly before you so they can be dealt with effectively. Check in with those with whom you have a relationship.
Third, grieve well. You’ve lost someone very important to you. Cherish the positive memories and learn from the negative ones. Vow to grow through this rather than simply go through this. Allow yourself time to grieve this serious loss. Get support and talk, talk, talk as part of your grief process.
Finally, let go and say ‘”good-bye.” She left you for reasons you may never fully understand. In God’s economy, this needed to take place. While there was the illusion of the perfect fit, this was not reality. Now God can care for you and guide you into a new and even better future. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”
David Hawkins
Dr. David Hawkins, MBA, MSW, MA, PhD, is a Christian Clinical Psychologist who has helped bring healing to thousands of marriages and individuals since he began his work in 1976. Dr. Hawkins is passionate about working with couples in crisis and offering them ways of healing their wounds and finding their way back to being passionately in love with each other.
For the past ten years, Dr. Hawkins has become a leader in the field of treatment for narcissism and emotional abuse within relationships. He has developed several programs for treatment of men dealing with these issues and the women who love them.
Dr. Hawkins is also a speaker & trainer for the American Association of Christian Counselors and writes for Crosswalk.com, CBN.org and Believe.com. He is a weekly guest on Moody Radio and Faith Radio and is a best-selling author of over thirty books.
He has two grown sons, is happily married to Christie Hawkins, and lives on Bainbridge Island, outside Seattle, WA.
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