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  • Communicating About Sex: Wives, Do You Have a Fantasy?

Do you have a fantasy? Or a few? Or many, maybe? Would it surprise you that most people do? Men and women alike have sexual fantasies. Have you ever felt ashamed for any erotic musings that have roamed through your head? Guess what? If your thoughts have ever taken a stroll a bit on the wild side–you’re normal. We are sexual beings, and sexual thoughts come to sexual beings. Maybe you’d like to be adventurous and act on some of those thoughts.

As long as you stay within God’s design for marriage, and your partner is on board, why not go for it? What could it hurt? It might liven up your jingle-jangle time and your connection. When a marriage gets stronger, everyone involved wins. The more wins we create in marriage, the stronger our foundations of love, trust, and longing become.

It’s Not Silly

Maybe you feel like your whims and imaginings are silly and you would be embarrassed to share them with your husband. There’s nothing silly about enhancing your marriage and building a stronger foundation. If it can bring a little excitement to the blasé of your routine, why not explore and be adventurous? It doesn’t have to be grandiose. It can be something very simple, like walking hand in hand along the beach and then going home to be alone. Or perhaps it’s something a bit racier. Whatever gets you racing—that’s all that matters. Most men would happily comply if only you would communicate your desires.

Sexual fun can’t always be about him; it has to be about you too. His reaching climax is pretty much a sure thing; any loving husband would be happy to make getting busy a boom! for both of you.

What Do You Want?

What do you want? What do you desire? Many women like the feeling of surrendering control. They want the feeling of someone else taking care of them. . .want to feel desired and wanted. . .want to escape from reality. Do you know what you want? What enables you to receive pleasure fully?  Communication is the key. I think we can all agree that our husbands’ thought processes and communication styles are very different from our own. You need to communicate in a way that clearly defines what you want and how important it is for you. Sometimes it means being persistent.

Be persistent in striving to make your marriage the best it can be. Practice good communication skills in the “accommodation” department. It won’t just rev up your intimacy time; it will deepen your bond and enrich your entire relationship.

Oftentimes, as women, we are the ones taking care of everyone around us, and we will forfeit our own needs and desires. This mentality can trickle into the bedroom too. Have you given up on asking for what you want? When did it become not okay to ask for what you desire?

Get His Attention

Ladies, do you want to get your husband’s undivided attention? Tell him you want to talk about sex. His ears will perk up, and he may even remove any distractions. Couples talk about all sorts of household and relational topics—schedules, the kids, grocery shopping, who hurt whose feelings, the laundry—yet sex rarely makes the top twenty if it gets on the list at all.

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In a loving relationship, both parties can talk about their fantasies and wants without ridicule or judgment. The key is to give your husband an environment where he can talk about his struggles and desires without fear of shame, embarrassment, or repercussions. You just might find that many of your desires line up, but if they don’t, try not to dismiss his thoughts. Give yourself time to mull them over for a while. You may come up with an alternative you both will enjoy.

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When talking about your own desires, focus in on what you like as opposed to what you don’t like. Remember, even if your husband has a tough exterior, he can be very sensitive, especially about pleasing you. Caution and carefully chosen words are in order. Emphasizing what you like will take you further than keying in on anything negative. If, however, you have any “issues” you need to discuss, be extra gentle and kind. Also, be aware that there are ways of “telling” him what you like without using actual words.

No matter how long you’ve been married, be willing to talk about likes and dislikes and be willing to respect the ideas and opinions of your spouse. What you find permissible is entirely up to you. What you choose to do in the privacy of your bedroom is between you and your spouse.

The next time your husband wants to do something that causes you to pause, ask yourself, What is causing me to resist? Do I think this is dirty or inappropriate for a “good woman”? If your reason for wanting to say no is unsubstantiated and comes from faulty beliefs, you may want to reconsider. Be reasonable.

Be Willing to Talk About It

However, if something could cause injury, infection, disrespect, or shame, you have a sound reason to pass. If you feel uncomfortable with anything, talk with your husband about your feelings with understanding and respectfulness. Be careful not to humiliate him in the process. Explain your objection kindly and reasonably. Be willing to talk about it and view it from his perspective. In the end, if you need to say no, a loving husband will understand and be willing to come to an agreement you both feel comfortable with. Most men will be happy with the many pleasures you’re saying yes to.

Decide as a couple how you want to enjoy each other. What works for one couple may not work for another, which is why we need to create our own sexual practices. “All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything” (1 Corinthians 6:12). Balance is imperative.

Adapted from The Intimacy You Crave by Lucille Williams with permission from Barbour Publishing.

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