The “M” Word

Masturbation-the-m-word

Is masturbation right or wrong?

I dread answering this question because masturbation is a complicated issue that doesn’t lend itself to a black-and-white answer. At a purely biological level, masturbation doesn’t differ much from other things we do with our body, such as picking our nose.

But why does nose picking lack a moral stigma, while masturbation is laden with tremendous guilt and shame? The fact is, many Christian women masturbate and feel horribly guilty about it. I’ve met women who feel more shame about masturbation than they do about having an affair. Yet the Bible is silent on the issue of masturbation and says a whole lot about adultery. Click To Tweet

The Bible is silent on masturbation. What God did state definitely is that he wants to give us his wisdom.

While there is nothing inherently wrong with touching yourself to experience pleasure, masturbation becomes a moral issue because it involves sexuality. Sexuality has intrinsic moral implications. Does that mean masturbation is always immoral? I don’t think so. Here are four questions to help you evaluate the issue given your personal circumstances.

1. What are you thinking about?

“But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman [or man] with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).

While masturbation itself isn’t immoral, the sexual fantasies that usually go with it may be. Most women only masturbate when they’re thinking about or looking at something sexual. As Jesus stated above, sexual fantasies about someone you are not married to are “adultery of the heart.” If you are single, fantasizing about even some fictional sexy guy promotes lustful thoughts. If you are married and fantasizing about another man, you’re violating, in your mind and heart, your promise to give yourself sexually only to your husband. On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with a married woman fantasizing about her husband.

2. What is your motive?

The Bible makes it clear God is very concerned about our motives. For example, depending on the attitude of your heart, giving money to your church might be a wonderful act of worship or an empty gesture. The same can be true of masturbation.

Sexuality was created to draw us into relationship. The goal of masturbation is to bring pleasure to yourself, typically outside of relationship. For this reason, some believe masturbation is a selfish misuse of the gift of sex. While that may be the case, I don’t think it is always so cut and dried.

There are Christian leaders working with singles who believe masturbation may be a way for them to stay sexually pure until marriage. While I would be cautious to give that advice, I recognize that for some, masturbation is a way of channeling sexual urges away from the temptations to have sex. It is possible for the motive of masturbation to be purity and self-control.

Additionally, many women learned (or were even taught) to masturbate at very young ages. This is particularly true of those who have been sexually violated and have been “sexualized” at a young age. While I wouldn’t recommend masturbation, I also don’t think it should add to the shame women feel about their sexuality. Just as men have “wet dreams,” many women masturbate and orgasm in their sleep. Single women are sexual. Even those who are committed to purity in mind and body have sexual hormones, dreams, and thoughts that impact their bodies.

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The question of motive is also important for a married woman. There is a huge difference between a selfish wife who masturbates because she is angry with her husband and a wife who masturbates for the purpose of building intimacy with her husband. Consider, for example, a wife who is separated from her husband because of travel, deployment, or illness. She wants to focus on her husband and channel her sexual urges toward him.

Masturbation can also be beneficial in cases of sexual dysfunction. A very common form of sex therapy called “sensate focus” helps a woman pay attention to how she responds to sexual touch, first by touching herself and then by guiding her husband’s hand as he touches her. This can be an important step in healing, particularly for women who have experienced sexual trauma that triggers anxiety at sexual touch.

3. Is it mastering you?

The apostle Paul taught that nothing should master us. In other words, we shouldn’t be controlled by or addicted to anything. This applies to food, shopping, Facebook, and also to masturbation. For many women, masturbation can become a way of escape from boredom, loneliness, depression, pain, and stress. We learn at a young age to soothe ourselves with something that feels good. Some ways of coping with stress and boredom are clearly unhealthy, such as drinking alcohol or cutting. Other forms of coping are destructive because they abuse an inherently good thing. For example, food is a wonderful gift. But a binge on ice cream and Doritos because you are lonely is abusing that gift. The same is true of sexuality. The neurochemicals released during sex and orgasm reduce stress, help you sleep, and make you feel peaceful. However, having sex outside of marriage or habitually masturbating is an abuse of the body’s natural response to sex.

4. Am I honoring God with my body?

If you are regularly masturbating to deal with negative emotions, I encourage you to find other means of coping. God gave us healthy ways to release the chemicals in our bodies that bring peace and contentment. Prayer, meditation, exercise, talking to a friend, or creating something artistic might take more work, but they are alternatives to falling into an addictive cycle.

First Corinthians 6:19-20 says, “Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.”

If there is a “gold standard” question to ask about masturbation, this is it. In some situations, the answer of whether you’re glorifying God in your body may be yes, and in other situations, the answer is clearly no.

I have great respect for women (married and single) who want to honor God with their sexuality. I believe masturbation is an issue about which each woman has to ask the Lord. When God wanted to be clear about something, he inspired clear teaching in Scripture. The Bible is silent on masturbation. What God did state definitely is that he wants to give us his wisdom. “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking” (James 1:5).

God is the High Priest who understands our questions and struggles. Even in this most intimate (and perhaps embarrassing) issue, don’t be afraid to pour out your heart to him and ask for his specific direction and wisdom.

Used with permission. Dr. Juli Slattery is clinical psychologist, speaker, and author whose books include Finding the Hero in Your Husband, No More Headaches, Beyond the Masquerade, and Guilt Free Motherhood. For more from Juli, check out authenticintimacy.com.

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About Juli Slattery

Juli SlatteryDr. Juli Slattery is a widely known clinical psychologist, author, speaker and broadcast media professional. She’s the president and co-founder of Authentic Intimacy. She hosts Java With Juli on Moody Radio, where she answers tough questions about relationships, marriage, spiritual, emotional and sexual intimacy. Juli’s books include Passion Pursuit, Finding the Hero in Your Husband, No More Headaches, and Guilt-Free Motherhood. She and her husband, Mike, have been married since 1994 and have three children.  Read more at authenticintimacy.com.

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