Talk it Out Before You Say, “I Do”

Oral Sex Okay?

You’re thinking about spending the rest of your life with that special person. But do you really know them as well as you think? Are there areas you need to know about (or they need to know about you) that you haven’t discussed? The best time to get down to the nitty-gritty with each other is before you say, “I do.” You need to know what to expect after the wedding day, and to decide if you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person the way they are now. Chances are they (and you) won’t change that much, so if you really want to know who you are agreeing to love, work through these questions together. There’s no hurry — take all the time you need. But there’s one rule. You must be completely, gut-wrenchingly honest! If you misrepresent yourself, they will remember.

Past

  • The best part about my childhood was?
  • The worst part about my childhood was?
  • The scariest thing that ever happened to me was?
  • Something I’m afraid to tell anyone about my past is?
  • A past situation that could affect my future is?
  • I’ve had [ ] sexual partners before this relationship.
  • The way I feel about my past relationship history is?

Who I Am

  • My biggest needs in life are?
  • My most frequent mood is?
  • The thing I hate most is?
  • The thing I worry about most is?
  • Three things I want to change about myself are?
  • Three things I really like about myself are?
  • My most common daydream is?
  • I get angry when?
  • My favorite kind of house pet is?
  • My overall opinion about myself is?
  • I think my greatest personality asset is?
  • My greatest personality weakness is?
  • I find the greatest enjoyment in?
  • The sin I struggle most with is?
  • I’m most ashamed about?
  • Someone I greatly admire is?
  • The way I feel about death is?
  • I think war is?
  • I feel happy when?
  • I have no use for people who?
  • When someone acts rude to me, I?
  • When someone is unfair, I?
  • I feel jealous of?
  • My dream vacation would include?
  • The things I find the most fun are?
  • My favorite sport(s) is?
  • Playing sports in my future is a [ ] on a scale from one to ten.
  • Watching sports on T.V. is a [ ] for me on a scale from one to ten.
  • I am disgusted by?
  • When I am afraid (substitute sad, angry, happy, lonely, tired), I?
  • My hobbies include?
  • I spend [ ] hours a week at my hobbies.
  • What I really want when I am sick is?
  • The part of my body I am most bothered by is?
  • The part of my body I am most happy with is?
  • What hurts me most is?
  • The best (and worst) thing about life is?
  • The first thing I notice about someone is?
  • When someone is angry with me, I?
  • When someone is disappointed in me, I?
  • The worst (and best) thing about the opposite sex is
  • Being teachable means?
  • People (including me) should say they’re sorry when?
  • Marriage My reasons for wanting to get married are?
  • I think the keys to a good marriage are?
  • The biggest mistakes I made in past relationships are?
  • The area I’ve grown the most in relationships is?
  • Relationships in the past have taught me?
  • I’ve always viewed marriage as?
  • My parents had a [ ] marriage.
  • I learned [ ] about marriage from my parents.
  • I think the things in marriage you should be honest about are?
  • The areas I’m concerned about being married are?
  • The areas I’m excited about being married are?
  • Marriage for me will be giving up?
  • Marriage for me will be gaining?
  • I think separate vacations are?
  • Traveling together is?
  • When having conflict, I like to: cool off by myself before discussing the problem; discuss and work the problem out right away; pretend there is no problem and just move on; analyze the problem as to what it is, why it happened, how to avoid it in the future, etc?
  • Arguing and or fighting is?
  • The best way to handle disagreements is to?
  • What I fear most about marriage is?
  • What I anticipate most about marriage is?
  • The role of in-laws in marriage is?
  • The thing that will make me most secure (and insecure) in marriage is?
  • Dating (each other) after you are married is?
  • Love is?
  • “Till death do us part” means?
  • I think people should be allowed to divorce when?
  • For me, divorce is?

Sex

  • I think sex is/will be?
  • I think a healthy marriage involves sex [ ] per week or [ ] per month.
  • Real sex in marriage differs from Hollywood in the following ways…
  • I think being naked in front of someone is?
  • On a scale from one to ten, sex is a [ ] in importance in a good marriage.
  • What sex means to me is?
  • Talking about sex feels?
  • Being spontaneous or creative in marriage sex sounds?

 

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Money Finances

  • I think money is?
  • Spending money is hard/easy for me because?
  • The biggest waste of money is?
  • The best investment of money is?
  • I have [ ] in personal debt.
  • I use credit cards for?
  • I think car loans are?
  • Saving up to buy big ticket items is?
  • My savings plan is?
  • My retirement plan is?
  • The way I feel about tithing is?
  • I hope my spouse is a: saver, spender, somewhere in between.
  • On a scale from one to ten, financial security is [ ] in importance to me.
  • I want to save up to buy a?
  • The kind of house I want to own someday is?
  • Other items I hope to own are?
  • Charities I want to contribute to are?

Physical Appearance

  • Is my own appearance important to me?
  • Is it important that my spouse maintains his/her current physical appearance/weight throughout our marriage?
  • How important is hygiene to me, i.e. brushing teeth, taking showers, deodorant, etc.?
  • How do I like to dress for special occasions? For church? For dates? For work?
  • Do I want to be able to have a say in my spouse’s choice of clothing, hairstyle, or general appearance?
  • Do I care if they have a say in mine?
  • Is cologne/perfume important to me?
  • What physical features are attractive to me?

Household

  • How clean is a home that is comfortable for me?
  • What is my favorite thing about home?
  • What can I not tolerate in my home (noise, clutter, dirt, pets, unmade beds, etc.)?
  • How many/which jobs do I think I should do to keep my house maintained?
  • How many/which jobs do I think my spouse should do around the house?
  • Who should keep the yard maintained (spouse, both, or hired out)?
  • Who will maintain the cars (spouse, both, or hired out)?
  • Who will make decisions for and carry out decorating the home (spouse, both, hired out)?
  • Who will cook family meals?
  • How many meals do I expect to cook or for my spouse to cook daily?
  • Who will do the shopping?
  • Who will do laundry?
  • Who will do the dishes?
  • Who will pay bills?

Recreation

  • My idea of recreation is?
  • To me, camping means?
  • My favorite sports are?
  • The way I relax on the weekends is by?
  • What areas of recreation do I want my spouse to accompany me on?
  • What areas of recreation do I want to do with my friends or alone?
  • How often will I want to spend time away from the family in my own recreation?

Kids

  • I think kids are?
  • Kids get on my nerves when they?
  • I love it when kids?
  • The way I feel about other people’s kids is?
  • The way kids usually feel about me is?
  • Kids should be disciplined when?
  • The way I want to discipline my kids is?
  • The role of a parent is?
  • I want [ ] kids someday.
  • How important is showing physical affection to my kids?
  • Is telling my kids I love them important?
  • How much time do I think I should spend with my kids daily?
  • How important is two-parent interaction and discipline?
  • I think the bottom line for discipline should be with the (mom or dad)?
  • How important is it for kids to respect their parents in my home?
  • When it comes to discipline, I think I will be: lenient, strict, or somewhere in-between?
  • Where do I want my kids educated (private school, Christian school, home school, etc.)?

Health & History

  • Taking care of myself and my health is [ ] important to me.
  • I think a healthy lifestyle includes?
  • Physical exercise is?
  • To me, eating right means?
  • My idea of a good work out is?
  • My life fitness plan is to?
  • My health problems (present or past) are?
  • I take medication for?
  • I think life long-term supports are?
  • People in my family have a history of the following health problems?
  • People in my family have died at the ages of?

Intimacy

  • I feel loved when?
  • The way I show love to people is?
  • Which of the following are ways I feel most loved? Time spent with, words of encouragement/praise, gifts, being touched and hugged in a non-sexual manner, when people do things for (serve) me.
  • Showing affection in front of kids or friends is?
  • Intimacy is developed through?
  • I think a good marriage needs at least [ ] hours a day (or week) of focused communication to stay connected.

Work

  • My idea of a dream job is?
  • I think the average number of hours a person can regularly work a week and maintain family commitment is?
  • Providing for the family is whose responsibility?
  • My career plans are?
  • How important is a steady job to me?
  • What kind of work ethic do I want in my mate?
  • Where do I draw the line with a job that demands too much time?
  • My plans for retirement are?

Spirituality & Religion

  • The way I feel about God is?
  • I think the way God feels about me is?
  • On a scale of one to ten, going to church is [ ] in importance for my life and future.
  • I want to raise my kids in the [ ] faith.
  • Will God be the center of my home? Why or why not?
  • If yes, how will I make Him the center?
  • Prayer is something I do when?
  • To me, the Bible is?
  • Other religions besides Christianity are?
  • Eternal life is accomplished by?
  • Select and discuss the following. To me, God is: personal, real, distant, vague, angry, happy, loving, harsh, demanding, gentle, kind, good, make-believe, living, powerful, weak, or other.
  • The way to have a relationship with God is?
  • For me, including God in my daily life is?
  • On a scale from one to ten, obeying God and His word is a [ ] to me.
  • When I die, I?

• Also see Marriage Preparation

Copyright © 2006 Julie Ferwerda, Used with permission.

Read more from Julie at julieferwerda.com

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  • Emily

    This is so helpful! Thankyou so much for investing in so many people’s futures. You’re a hero.

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2006
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