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preventing divorce
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Moving
Toward Unity
Like many of you, my wife, Norma, and I lit "unity candles"
at our wedding ceremony. And like many of you, I had only
a vague idea at the time of what those candles symbolized.
Only recently have I understood.
If I was planning a unity candle ceremony today, I would start
with two candles colored yellow and blue. When you enter the
church or wedding chapel, you enter as singles, and you are
very different from each other. You have your own personality,
your own skills, your own opinions.
Blue and yellow mixed together will turn green, and that would
be the color of the third candle. After using the blue and
green candles to light the green one, the bride and groom
would then blow out their individual candles. It all symbolizes
the fact that, in a marriage, you are no longer singles. You
are a couple. Genesis 2:24 tells us, "For this cause a man
shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to
his wife; and they shall become one flesh."
I believe that conflict and argument can be the doorway to
true intimacy in a marriage. Why? Because it can force you
to learn what your mate is feeling and what your mate needs.
When you both understand each other, you can blend them together
and make a decision that works for both of you as a couple.
What often happens, however, is the conflict leads you to
re-light your blue and yellow candles, so to speak. You act
like a single again; you seek to win the argument rather than
finding a solution that works for both of you. Any time you
get into an argument, blow out those candles and say, "We're
going to be a couple. It's not my opinion that matters, it's
our opinion. We're a team now."
Inevitably, in any marriage, four germs will try to infect
your relationship and lead you to revert back to acting like
a single. These four germs are:
• Withdrawing from an argument
• Escalating during an argument — because you're
trying to win your position
• Belittling your mate
• Seeing too many negative things in your mate.
After many years of marriage, Norma and I have finally realized
that the greatest antidote to these four germs — and
the greatest thing we could do to build a great marriage —
was to honor each other. Take a look at the following three
steps to honoring your mate, and you'll see how they counteract
those germs.
Step #1: Make a decision that your mate is
highly valuable. All of your spouse's differences — personality,
interests, opinions, etc. — are priceless. God has put
you together as a team to become one.
Step #2: Start making a list today of all
the positive things about your mate. Write down the things
you love about your spouse, the things you appreciate. This
principle comes from Philippians 4:8, which instructs us to
dwell on "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever
is right..."
As you start forcing yourself to find something positive in
your mate almost every day, you start looking for it. And
the more you look for it, the more you see it and the more
you honor each other.
I have four and a half single spaced sheets of positive things
I've written about my wife. When our relationship is strained
from time to time I pull these out and start reading them.
Within five minutes I feel so warm towards her; it changes
my feelings and affections so rapidly.
Step #3: Tell one another these positive
things on a regular basis. Make it a habit to praise each
other. Use cards or sticky notes. Tell your children or your
friends about how thrilled you are with your mate, and let
them go back and tell your mate what you said.
Some of you are thinking, "I can't do this. I can't think
of anything positive." If you can't do it, go to the Lord.
He says He gives His grace to the humble, and the humble person
is the one who says, "I can't do it!"
If you can't tell your mate anything positive, ask for His
grace. It may not happen overnight; it might take six months.
When He gives you His grace, it will change your life and
your marriage.
By Gary Smalley. Used with Permission.
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