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Marriage Preparation 101
Have you heard of it? Leaving and Cleaving is
something you need to know about now — before
your marriage. This key item needs to be at the
top of your marriage preparation checklist.
Leaving and Cleaving is a biblical concept that describes
how when you marry, you leave your parents
and cleave to each other.
There are many ways to cleave to one another—
physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.
Let's take a look at some of these individually.
In the process remember that what works for some marriages doesn't always
work for others. However we surveyed hundreds of couples and came up with
the following techniques that seemed to rank among the most popular ways
to cleave in those early days and weeks of marriage.
Physical Distance
We asked couples what helped them physically cleave to one another after
getting married. The top response was geographical distance between the
couple and extended family.
For some people this was merely a matter of doing
what we've already talked about — taking time
away from extended family in order to strengthen the
brand new marital bond between the two of you. Physical
distance from extended family during this initial
stage of marriage causes the following benefits, all
of which help develop the cleaving time.
• You will need one another for daily support
• Neither of you can go to your former home, even if you want to
• Privacy
• When you visit extended family you can share experiences and bond
• You will be forced to depend on each other
• You won't rely on parents to solve problems
• It was a wonderful time of developing our own lifestyle
Establish Boundaries
On an emotional level, the cleaving period is when you will share your
feelings and heart's desires with your husband or wife rather than your
parents. Of course you will have discussed many of these feelings during
this, the engagement period. But situations will come up than can only
take place once you are sharing a home together.
We recommend that you use this time to set limits on the involvement of
outsiders, whether from extended family or friends or co-workers. Spend
as much time as possible talking together, getting to know each other
as husband and wife. This is the beauty of cleaving.
The following are some of the benefits that come from this type
of emotional cleaving:
• You will learn to keep personal issues between you and your spouse
• You will learn to say no to excessive demands outside the marriage
relationship
• You will feel committed to holding your spouse first in important
decision-making
Leaving Past Behind
It is crucial that this cleaving period involve the fact that your spouse
is now your central relationship. Perhaps you had a serious relationship
prior to getting married. That is fine and probably has contributed greatly
to the getting-to-know-each-other period that leads up to engagement.
Now, however, it is time to put the past behind you
and press on to what is ahead. And that means your
relationship with your spouse. If you always remembered
your old girlfriend's birthday with a dozen roses
— stop the flower delivery immediately. Nothing
is more damaging to the cleaving period than making
your spouse believe they are not — after God
— first place in your heart. The following is
a list of things that might be involved in letting
past relationships go as you cleave to the single
most important relationship you will have in your
life from this point on. Get rid of old letters and
pictures of past relationships If a possession was
from a former relationship, perhaps sell it or give
it away. Be sensitive to your spouse's feelings when
talking about the past and past relationships. If
necessary, attend counseling together to work through
issues that might have come up as a result of past
relationships.
Depending on Your Spouse Spiritually
Spirituality is a very important part of your impending marriage. If you
are not both believers, now is the best time to talk through those issues.
There is nothing more heartbreaking than believing ahead of time that
you will be likeminded spiritually only to find out that after the wedding
vows one spouse has a completely different viewpoint than the other.
Talk through all issues of spirituality now. Include traditions, biblical
interpretations, biblical translations, church attendance habits, prayer
habits, Bible study habits, and any other issue important to you.
We knew one couple wherein the husband would not allow the wife to talk
about God or put Scripture verses in any visible place in their home.
We asked if they'd discussed spiritual matters ahead of time, and the
wife shrugged.
"I told him I couldn't marry him unless he believed in the Lord like I
did." She glanced at her husband. "And I told her I believed."
We looked at him, confusion clearly written across our faces. "But you
don't believe in God, isn't that right?"
The man nodded. "Yes."
We were beginning to wonder if we'd stumbled onto the set of a Candid
Camera shoot. "Okay, then why'd you tell her you believed back when you
were dating." The man frowned. "That was the only way she'd marry me."
Whatever you do, don't lie to your fiance this way. Issues can be talked
through, differences can be examined. But a lie can only cause irreparable
harm. Once you think alike when it comes to matters of God, realize that
this will be the holy cement that will truly bind you together during
this cleaving period. The following is a list of things that will help
you cleave spiritually:
• Prayer for each other
• Prayer together
• Church attendance together
• Serving in some type of church or mission service together
• Bible reading together
• Scripture memorization together
We know one couple who memorized Scriptures together and then played a
game whenever they were in the car. One at a time they would recite a
verse until one of them was stumped. They spent hours this way, laughing,
memorizing God's word, and having fun at the same time.
This is a perfect example of spiritual cleaving.
By Dr. Greg and Michael Smalley, Used with Permission.
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