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marriage preparation
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How
do You Leave and Cleave?
Marriage preparation: There are many ways to cleave to one
another— physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.
Let's take a look at some of these individually.
In the process remember that what works for some marriages
doesn't always work for others. However we surveyed hundreds
of couples and came up with the following techniques that
seemed to rank among the most popular ways to cleave in those
early days and weeks of marriage.
Physical Distance
We asked couples what helped them physically cleave to one
another after getting married. The top response was geographical
distance between the couple and extended family.
For some people this was merely a matter of doing what we've
already talked about - taking time away from extended family
in order to strengthen the brand new marital bond between
the two of you. Physical distance from extended family during
this initial stage of marriage causes the following benefits,
all of which help develop the cleaving time.
• You will need one another for daily support
• Neither of you can go to your former home, even if
you want to
• Privacy
• When you visit extended family you can share experiences
and bond
• You will be forced to depend on each other
• You won't rely on parents to solve problems
• It was a wonderful time of developing our own lifestyle
Establish Boundaries
On an emotional level, the cleaving period is when you will
share your feelings and heart's desires with your husband
or wife rather than your parents. Of course you will have
discussed many of these feelings during this, the engagement
period. But situations will come up than can only take place
once you are sharing a home together.
We recommend that you use this time to set limits on the involvement
of outsiders, whether from extended family or friends or co-workers.
Spend as much time as possible talking together, getting to
know each other as husband and wife. This is the beauty of
cleaving.
The following are some of the benefits that come from
this type of emotional cleaving:
• You will learn to keep personal issues between you
and your spouse
• You will learn to say no to excessive demands outside
the marriage relationship
• You will feel committed to holding your spouse first
in important decision-making
Leaving Past Behind
It is crucial that this cleaving period involve the fact that
your spouse is now your central relationship. Perhaps you
had a serious relationship prior to getting married. That
is fine and probably has contributed greatly to the getting-to-know-each-other
period that leads up to engagement.
Now, however, it is time to put the past behind you and press
on to what is ahead. And that means your relationship with
your spouse. If you always remembered your old girlfriend's
birthday with a dozen roses - stop the flower delivery immediately.
Nothing is more damaging to the cleaving period than making
your spouse believe they are not - after God - first place
in your heart. The following is a list of things that might
be involved in letting past relationships go as you cleave
to the single most important relationship you will have in
your life from this point on. Get rid of old letters and pictures
of past relationships If a possession was from a former relationship,
perhaps sell it or give it away. Be sensitive to your spouse's
feelings when talking about the past and past relationships.
If necessary, attend counseling together to work through issues
that might have come up as a result of past relationships.
Depending on Your Spouse Spiritually
Spirituality is a very important part of your impending marriage.
If you are not both believers, now is the best time to talk
through those issues. There is nothing more heartbreaking
than believing ahead of time that you will be likeminded spiritually
only to find out that after the wedding vows one spouse has
a completely different viewpoint than the other.
Talk through all issues of spirituality now. Include traditions,
biblical interpretations, biblical translations, church attendance
habits, prayer habits, Bible study habits, and any other issue
important to you.
We knew one couple wherein the husband would not allow the
wife to talk about God or put Scripture verses in any visible
place in their home. We asked if they'd discussed spiritual
matters ahead of time, and the wife shrugged.
"I told him I couldn't marry him unless he believed in the
Lord like I did." She glanced at her husband. "And I told
her I believed."
We looked at him, confusion clearly written across our faces.
"But you don't believe in God, isn't that right?"
The man nodded. "Yes."
We were beginning to wonder if we'd stumbled onto the set
of a Candid Camera shoot. "Okay, then why'd you tell her you
believed back when you were dating." The man frowned. "That
was the only way she'd marry me."
Whatever you do, don't lie to your fiance this way. Issues
can be talked through, differences can be examined. But a
lie can only cause irreparable harm. Once you think alike
when it comes to matters of God, realize that this will be
the holy cement that will truly bind you together during this
cleaving period. The following is a list of things that will
help you cleave spiritually:
• Prayer for each other
• Prayer together
• Church attendance together
• Serving in some type of church or mission service together
• Bible reading together
• Scripture memorization together
We know one couple who memorized Scriptures together and then
played a game whenever they were in the car. One at a time
they would recite a verse until one of them was stumped. They
spent hours this way, laughing, memorizing God's word, and
having fun at the same time.
This is a perfect example of spiritual cleaving.
By Dr. Greg and Michael Smalley, Used with Permission.
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