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marriage issues
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The 6
Habits of Best Friends
I'm married to my best friend. We share our lives and all
that they are. Through more than 26 years of marriage we have
developed a friendship love of mutual affection, rapport,
and comradeship. It did not automatically appear when the
vows were said and the rings exchanged. Our friendship has
been nurtured as we have practiced the six habits of friendship.
1. Friends stay in touch with each other.
Friendship implies a continuing relationship in which both
parties involved make consistent efforts to maintain. To neglect
these special efforts is to risk allowing the relationship
to wither and possibly disappear entirely. We verbally communicate
with each other in a way that says, "I am interested in you
as a person." We ask about the day's events; inquire about
what has been read; anything that transcends talk about career
and parental roles. We let each other know where we are as
a courtesy.
2. Friends share themselves and their experiences.
Without this level of sharing you may have an acquaintance,
but you do not have a friend. Sharing thoughts, feelings,
and experiences in marriage creates an openness that deepens
the bond. Andre Maurois defined a happy marriage as "a
long conversation that always seems too short." Spouses
who have grown apart share only negative emotions and cynical
or critical thoughts which focus only on problems and frustrations.
3. Friends are supportive during troubles times.
Friends must always be there for one another, not only during
the good times, but also during times of emotional turmoil,
marriage issues or personal crisis. To have such a friend
in times of need is a wonderful source of strength. What helps
me get through my troubled times is when Cindy gives me a
hug and tells me she is confident that God will help us get
through this.
4. Friends consistently affirm one another.
Good friends communicate a very simple message: "I like
you, and being with you makes me feel good." The base
of such a relationship is a deep acceptance of one another
along with encouragement as life circumstances evolve. Love
and acceptance should never be conditional. Such a conditional
acceptance drives a wedge in the relationship that tends to
deepen with the years. We seek to communicate regularly in
words and deeds, in small acts of kindness and loving words,
the value we find in each other. On one of our wedding anniversaries,
Cindy gave me a card with the following statement: "It's one
thing to be in love. It's another to be good friends. And
it's a wonderful thing to be madly in love with my best friend!"
That's affirming!
5. Deep trust always exists between friends.
As friendship deepens, a corresponding openness about experiences
and feelings develops. The price of friendship is personal
vulnerability — letting your spouse know about personal
doubts & sensitivities. Such information must always be respected
and the vulnerability must never be violated. To deepen our
trust we seek to never use a personal sensitivity to hurt
each other when we are angry. We do not gossip about each
other. It's a betrayal of marital trust.
6. Friends let go and have fun together.
Good marriages do not focus exclusively on issues or emotionally
intimate discussion. Time is spent just having fun together.
Good friends can let go to enjoy good times spent together
knowing that they are deeply accepted and that they will be
there for one another when tough times come. As married life
becomes busier, humor often fades, and no time remains for
fun. Stressed and tired, couples feel overwhelmed with responsibilities.
They forget how to relax and enjoy lighthearted times together.
Fun is a powerful tool in relieving stress.
Copyright © William Batson. Used with Permission.
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