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marriage help
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12
Marriage Killers
My advice to young couples is simply this: Don't permit the
possibility of divorce to enter your thinking. Even in moments
of great conflict and discouragement when you need help, divorce
is no solution. It merely substitutes a new set of miseries
for the ones left behind.
Guard your marriage against erosion as though you were defending
your very lives. Yes, you can make it together. Not only can
you survive, but you can keep your love alive if you give
it priority in your system of values.
Any one of the following evils can rip your marriage to shreds
if given a place in your lives:
1. Overcommitment and physical exhaustion
Beware of this danger. It is especially insidious for young
couples who are trying to get started in a profession or in
school. Do not try to go to college, work full-time, have
a baby, manage a toddler, fix up a house, and start a business
at the same time. It sounds ridiculous, but many young couples
do just that and are then surprised when their marriage falls
apart. Why wouldn't it? The only time they see each other
is when they are worn out! It is especially dangerous to have
the husband vastly overcommitted and the wife staying home
with a preschooler. Her profound loneliness builds discontent
and depression, and we all know where that leads. You must
reserve time for one another if you want to keep your love
alive.
2. Excessive credit and conflict over how money will
be spent.
Pay cash for consumable items, or don't buy. Don't spend more
for a house or car than you can afford, leaving too few resources
for dating, short trips, baby-sitters, etc. Allocate your
funds with the wisdom of Solomon.
3. Selfishness
There are two kinds of people in the world, the givers and
the takers. A marriage between two givers can be a beautiful
thing. Friction is the order of the day, however, for a giver
and a taker. But two takers can claw each other to pieces
within a period of six weeks. In short, selfishness will devastate
a marriage every time.
4. Interference from in-laws
If either the husband or wife has not been fully emancipated
from the parents, it is best not to live near them. Autonomy
is difficult for some mothers (and fathers) to grant, and
close proximity is built for trouble.
5. Unrealistic expectations
Some couples come into marriage anticipating rose-covered
cottages, walks down primrose lanes, and uninterrupted joy.
Counselor Jean Lush believes, and I agree, that this romantic
illusion is particularly characteristic of American women
who expect more from their husbands than they are capable
of delivering. The consequent disappointment is an emotional
trap. Bring your expectations in line with reality.
6. Space invaders
I am not referring to aliens from Mars. Rather, my concern
is for those who violate the breathing room needed by their
partners, quickly suffocating them and destroying the attraction
between them. Jealousy is one way this phenomenon manifests
itself. Another is low self-esteem, which leads the insecure
spouse to trample the territory of the other. Love must be
free and it must be confident.
7. Alcohol or substance abuse
These are killers, not only of marriages, but also of people.
Avoid them like the plague.
8. Pornography, gambling and other addictions
It should be obvious to everyone that the human personality
is flawed. It has a tendency to get hooked on destructive
behaviors, especially early in life. During an introductory
stage, people think they can play with enticements such as
pornography or gambling and not get hurt. Indeed, many do
walk away unaffected. For some, however, there is a weakness
and a vulnerability that is unknown until too late. Then they
become addicted to something that tears at the fabric of the
family.
This warning may seem foolish and even prudish to my readers,
but I've made a 25-year study of those who wreck their lives.
Their problems often begin in experimentation with a known
evil and ultimately end in death — or the death of a marriage.
The restrictions and commandments of Scriptures were designed
to protect us from evil, though it is difficult to believe
when we are young. "The wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23).
If we keep our lives clean and do not permit ourselves to
toy with evil, the addictions that have ravaged humanity can
never touch us.
9. Sexual frustration, loneliness, low self-esteem,
and the greener grass of infidelity.
A deadly combination!
10, Business failure
It does bad things to men, especially. Their agitation over
financial reverses sometimes sublimates to anger within the
family.
11. Business success
It is almost as risky to succeed wildly as it is to fail miserably
in business. The writer of Proverbs said, "Give me neither
poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread" (30:8).
12. Getting married too young
Girls who marry between 14 and 17 years of age are more than
twice as likely to divorce as those who marry at 18 or 19
years of age. Those who marry at 18 or 19 are 1.5 times as
likely to divorce as those who marry in their 20s. The pressures
of adolescence and the stresses of early married life do not
mix well. Finish the first before taking on the second.
These are the marriage killers I've seen most often. But in
truth, the list is virtually limitless. All that is needed
to grow the most vigorous weeds is a small crack in your sidewalk.
If you are going to beat the odds and maintain an intimate
long-term marriage, you must take the task seriously. The
natural order of things will carry you away from one another,
not bring you together.
How will you beat the odds? How will you build a solid relationship
that will last until death takes you across the great divide?
How will you include yourselves among that dwindling number
of older couples who have garnered a lifetime of happy memories
and experiences? Even after 50 or 60 years, they still look
to one another for encouragement and understanding. Their
children have grown up in a stable and loving environment
and have no ugly scars or bitter memories to erase. Their
grandchildren need not be told, delicately, why "Nana and
Papa don't live together anymore." Only love prevails.
That is the way God intended it to be, and it is still possible
for you to achieve. But there is no time to lose. Reinforce
the river banks. Brace up the bulwarks. Bring in the dredges
and deepen the bed. Keep the powerful currents in their proper
channels. Only that measure of determination will preserve
the love with which you began, and there is very little in
life that competes with that priority.
By Dr. James Dobson
Dr. Dobson is founder and president of Focus on the Family.
Used with permission.
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