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marriage counseling
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Marriage Counseling Questions
Reluctance about counseling
"I don't want to talk to a stranger about all my personal
problems."
"Counseling costs too much."
"It won't help anyway."
"I don't have the time."
"Therapy is for crazy people -- and I'm not crazy."
Are you reluctant to consider counseling for a personal, family
or marital problem? Take heart, you're not alone. Still, it's
important to realize that counseling with a trained professional
might be helpful for what you're facing.
Therapy isn't the stereotypical picture of you lying on a
couch talking about how you were potty-trained. It's not some
individualized version of Analyze This or What About
Bob? Quality counseling can help you gain a better understanding
of what's going on in your situation and inside yourself.
This awareness can give you a new viewpoint on yourself and
your circumstances, help you make good choices and lead to
action steps that will change your life. When it feels like
you can't see the forest for the trees, it's a good time to
seek an outside perspective.
It's not just for crazy people
Corporations hire consultants every day —outsiders with
an objective vantage point to help assess, plan and implement
changes that will better the company. You take your car to
a mechanic when you hear that "clunking" sound, because he
knows more about cars than you do. Elite-level athletes frequently
elicit specialty coaches to help them improve mental focus
and discipline.
People are always seeking outside assistance. It's no different
when the issue is anxiety, perfectionism, depression, lack
of confidence, marital discord or an alcoholic spouse. Going
to a trained expert who is objective and will help you make
significant changes is just plain smart. Marriages sometimes
need a tune-up when communication hits a stalemate. Seeking
out a "brain coach" can help you with your lack of confidence
or inability to make that important decision. While you may
not choose to tell people you are seeking therapy, it's nothing
to be ashamed of —you're in good company.
What to expect from a therapist
During your first appointment, your rights as a client, state
confidentiality laws and limitations of therapy will be given
to you in writing or reviewed verbally with you. The therapist
will also give you a written disclosure statement of his/her
licensure, other credentials and areas of expertise. The therapist
will conduct a thorough assessment of your present situation
and important background information. You will be interviewed
and possibly given a written psychological assessment to complete.
The counselor will then suggest a treatment plan, whether
written or verbalized, about how to address the issue(s) at
hand. Part of this plan will be the therapist's best guess
as to how long (assuming no new issues arise) the counseling
process is likely to take.
If you are worried about your privacy and fear that your secrets
will get out, realize that all licensed professionals are
bound by law to keep confidential what is said and documented
in a therapy session. There are exceptions in situations where
there is potential suicide or homicide danger, evidence of
physical abuse to a minor or an elderly person, or suspicion
of sexual abuse of a minor. However, a therapist is obligated
to inform you of this at your first appointment.
Choosing a good therapist
Get referrals. You can check with friends, a school counselor,
churches and/or your physician's office.
Interview each counselor over the telephone. Ask questions
like: What credentials and certifications do you have? How
long have you been in practice? What issues do you specialize
in? What is your experience in the specific area I am seeking
counseling for? How would you approach this type of issue?
Do you assign homework? What are your fees? Ask as many questions
as you want.
Choose a therapist and begin. Not all therapists operate the
same way. Some will be very interactive. Some may have an
"in your face" style. Others will be more subdued and simply
reflect back to you what they hear you saying and what they
sense you are feeling. Picking a therapist is like buying
a new pair of shoes. While there are many quality shoes around,
you only buy the pair that fits you. There is no "one size
fits all" in counseling. If the counselor doesn't feel like
a fit, don't buy. While individual styles of therapy vary,
it is usually better to choose a counselor who is active,
not passive in the session, working with you —not just
listening to you.
Actively work with the therapist. If you disagree, speak up.
If you have questions, ask. If the therapist isn't making
sense, seek clarification. The more active you are in the
process, the better.
Realize that you are not "stuck" with a counselor forever.
If things are not going well or no clear plan of action is
shared with you, speak up. If your personalities don't match
or his/her style is not what you are comfortable with, talk
openly about making a change to another therapist.
Not a last resort
When it comes to dealing with the changes, challenges and
crises of life, it's important to seek help early. Don't wait
until that clunking noise turns into total transmission failure.
The sooner you seek help, the shorter and easier it will usually
be, because there is less of a "mess" to deal with. Counseling
isn't just for crazy or weak people; it's for anyone who can
benefit from an outside, objective, expert perspective to
help them along this journey of life.
By Timothy L. Sanford. Used by permission.
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