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marriage conflict
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Eight
Rules for Avoiding Marriage Conflict
At different times during marriagel conflict, most couples
will experience emotions such as anger, fear, sadness, mistrust
and hostility. As a result, a major job for couples is to
handle these feelings constructively — and seeking marriage
advice — whereby allowing them to move towards solving
the problem. The real tasks during marriageconflict are if
sensitive issues can be brought up, and then, how each person
will respond. After hearing the problem, will there be listening
and communication, or will anger and withdrawal be present?
These are extremely important issues because the real problem
can become clouded if the couple is unable to respond in a
constructive manner.
The most helpful way that I have found to deal with the real
problem without getting trapped in escalation or withdrawal,
is by developing a set of conflict rules. These rules are
agreed-upon strategies that allow couples to deal with the
issues and not get distracted by the emotions of the argument.
Rules do not remove the emotions or solve the problem; instead,
they make the disagreement manageable and set the stage for
constructive communication. In other words, they provide agreed-upon
guidelines for what is in bounds and what is out, who can
speak when and in what way, and how both will listen to the
other.
1. Honor."Be devoted to one another in brotherly
love; give preference to one another in honor" (Romans 12:10).
Above all, strive to reflect honor in all of your words or
actions during a conflict. A great way to show honor is by
initiating some type of loving behavior toward your spouse
during the conflict if possible (e.g., holding hands, taking
a walk, etc.). On the other hand, it's important to limit
dishonor. Never threaten to withdraw love, use the silent
treatment, sarcasm or physical violence because nothing gets
solved this way.
2. Select an appropriate time and pace.Try
not to make a scene, deliberately embarrass or frighten each
other by excessively arguing in public or in front of the
children. In addition, don't drag in outsiders unless the
person is either part of the problem or the solution.
3. Time-Out. Agree to use a time-out when
things get out of control or escalate. It clouds the real
issues when you confront while angry or stressed out. Learn
to identify your body's own natural signs when you're getting
angry, stressed out, overloaded, or about to shut down. Furthermore,
never walk away without agreeing to take a break. It's great
to stop temporarily when a solution is unclear. However, agree
to resume the discussion when your emotions have cooled off.
4. Communicate. The best way to communicate
during a conflict is found in James 1:19. "...But let everyone
be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger." Begin
your communication with the mind set of listening and understanding
one another. As you attempt to clarify the conflict, repeat,
using your own words, your mate's position. Actively listen
and understand what your mate is saying. In turn, this slows
down the process and allows each person to feel heard and
understood.
5. Create win-win Solutions. Once your emotions
have settled and constructive communication exists, try to
find a "win-win" solution. This doesn't necessarily mean compromising.
Sometimes compromising creates a quick-fix solution where
no one is pleased with the outcome. In a "win-win" situation,
needs are met on both sides. Win-win solutions can be created
in a variety of different ways. Techniques like "brainstorming"
and "pros vs. cons" lists work great.
6. Admit your contribution to the problem while seeking
forgiveness. When you're wrong admit it. Accept any
blame for part in the conflict and then seek forgiveness.
"...put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness
and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each
other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the
Lord forgave you, so also should you" (Colossians 3:12-13).
7. Protect your relationship. Protect times
of fun, friendship and sensuality from conflict. Agree to
deal with the conflict at a later time.
8. Make Conflict Resolution a personal habit.
After reviewing some of the above rules, you may be thinking
that this sounds too strict or complicated, but as you'll
see, it's not. Rules or strategies can be very helpful in
preventing poorly handled conflict from harming the wonderful
things in your marriage. For most of us, fighting wrong comes
naturally. And rarely are we given instructions in how to
fight right. By creating your own personalized set of conflict
rules you can greatly facilitate your ability as a couple
to handle conflict in a manner that protects intimacy and
promotes growth in your relationship.
By Dr. Greg Smalley, used with permission.
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