Help! I Think I’ve Misplaced My Sexual Desire…



Bring up this topic among a group of women and you’ll get quite a response: giggles, rolled eyes, smiles and yes, some frowns. While speaking recently at a women’s conference, I led a session entitled, “The Eight Things Every Wife Should Know.” Number three on the list is Enjoy Your Husband Sexually. I told the women that I didn’t title the session “endure him” sexually or “put up with him” sexually; I intentionally used the word “enjoy.” The ladies got very quiet, and I think I know why.

Had I been sitting in that audience just a few years ago, I would have rolled my eyes at the speaker and quietly picked at a thread on my jeans while discounting everything she said. The reality was enjoying sex and truly desiring my husband was an “I can’t” in my life. Since the theme of my articles this year will be “tackling the I can’ts of life,” I knew I needed to address this one.

I had bought into the notion that sex was a chore and something else I had to do for my husband. It was in no way a priority to me, and my husband knew it. It became a huge source of conflict in our marriage. The very thing God designed to bring us closer together was tearing us apart. I felt frustrated and misunderstood. Art felt neglected and rejected. Satan, whose very name means “one who causes a separation between two,” was having a field day.

I finally got to such a broken and weary place that I cried out to God. “Can I talk to you about sex, God?” I whispered the word “sex,” as if my having been troubled by this topic for years was some big secret to Him. As I prayed, my words went from embarrassed whispers to loud cries for help. Slowly, truths and perspectives started filling my mind that could have only come from God.

God gave me a word picture to help me better understand my husband’s point of view. I mentioned this in one of my feature articles from last year but I think it is worth repeating. Imagine if my husband was the only source of food my body not only wanted, but needed. However, every time I went to him for food he would reply, “Not now ? Are you crazy? ? I’m too tired ?

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I have a headache ? no.” After a while, my hunger would consume me, I would grow bitter towards him, and eventually I would look for food elsewhere.

Just like I need food, my husband needs the sexual nourishment only I can provide. His desire for intimate connection with me was given to Him by God and is a gift to draw us together. Under God’s perfect plan for marriage, I’m the only one he can share this gift with. But he not only needs me to share the encounter with him, he also wants me to share in the desire for sex. He needs to hear that I want him!

I’ll never forget how mechanical I sounded the first time I tried to utter, “Oh honey, I really w-w-w-want you.” Art just smiled back and said, “Wow, I can really tell.” But over the years I’ve learned how to whisper this in his ear and really mean it. It lights my man’s world on fire to hear me express my desire for him. And do you know how I got a burning desire back for my husband? I asked God for it.

I asked God to retrain my mind. I asked God for a burning desire for my husband. I asked God to reveal to me ways to make sexual encounters with my husband a bigger priority in my life. I asked God to give me wisdom to better understand my body and courage to talk to my husband about the things that truly make me feel good. I asked God to help me think about sex in good and desirable ways. And it worked. God honored each one of my requests.

I’m not perfect in this area. I still have quite a way to go. But I realize that my marriage is worth the investment of time, creativity and energy.

Oh, the cutest man you’ve ever seen just pulled up in my driveway. It’s time for me to go and whisper something in his ear!

Used with the permission of Proverbs 31 Ministries. If you would like additional information on Lysa TerKeurst or Proverbs 31 Ministries, please contact them at

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