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Use Wisdom
If you were looking for
a car to buy, would it be wise to open the newspaper to the auto
section in the classified ads, close your eyes, put your finger
down randomly on the page, and then purchase that car? Would it
make it any better if you prayed and asked God to help you to point
your finger to the right want ad? Or is the whole scene a bit ridiculous?
God wants us to use wisdom, whether we're buying a car, selecting
a place to live, choosing a college to attend, or looking for the
right person to marry.
Some decisions in life can be settled by flipping a coin—like
trying to decide whether to have peanut butter or bologna on your
sandwich for lunch. But most other choices demand more brain power.
A choice of a spouse, for instance, takes a lot of thought, a lot
of prayer, and a lot of dependence on God for His leading. After
all, it is a decision that will affect you (and your spouse) for
the rest of your life. It's not something you can afford to take
lightly.
What does the story of Isaac and Rebekah show us about how to use
wisdom? Genesis 24 holds several bits of practical wisdom. When
we combine it with the teaching of the whole Bible, we can get a
good collection of practical tips.
At first reading, it may sound as if Abraham's servant did something
like opening the classified ads and putting his finger to the page.
But let's look a little closer for some sound principles that we
can apply to our situations today.
Look in the appropriate place. To find a compatible, spiritual
wife, Abraham sent Eliezer to the logical place--his hometown (Gen
24:3-4,10). Eliezer didn't go into a pagan Canaanite village to
look for a wife for Isaac, just as it wouldn't make sense for us
to go to a Buddhist shrine, an atheist's club, a Satanist church,
or a singles bar to find a person who loves the Lord Jesus Christ.
Ask the Lord for help. Eliezer prayed about the marriage
he was arranging (Gen. 24:12) and he saw the Lord lead. Nothing
could have been more practical or wise. Proverbs tells over and
over again that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge
(1:7). The most logical move you can make is to put your searching
heart into God's hands.
Don't base your decision on one "sign." Even though you
may believe the sign is from the Lord, don't throw out wisdom.
One part of the story of Isaac and Rebekah is often misunderstood.
When Eliezer asked the Lord for a sign (a young woman who would
offer water to him and his camels), he didn't jump to the conclusion
that Rebekah was the right one when she offered water. The text
tells us that even after she passed the initial test, Eliezer quietly
observed her and wondered if she truly was the one who was right
for Isaac (v.21).
Eliezer had observed Rebekah's character as she humbly brought water
for him and his camels. And when he talked with her, he learned
that she was from the right family (vv.24-27). Then, as he talked
with her father and her brother, Eliezer received added confirmation
when they were quick to give their approval. And the final indication
was Rebekah's own declaration that she was willing to go (v.58).
The combination of all these factors helped to verify the choice.
Seek advice. Do you realize how much Isaac must have trusted
Eliezer's judgment? I can't fathom the idea of letting someone else
choose the person I would marry. I like to imagine that Isaac had
a long talk with Eliezer before he left on his wife-hunt, telling
his longtime friend and servant what he wanted in a wife. What we
do know for sure is that Abraham trusted his servant's judgment,
and Eliezer didn't make an arbitrary decision. Genesis 24 tells
us that Eliezer carefully explained the purpose of his journey to
Rebekah's father and submitted to his counsel (v.49). And Rebekah
herself humbly followed the direction of her brother and father
(vv.51,58-61).
Our thinking process is not always as objective as it should be.
Emotions can blind us to serious character flaws in the person we
are interested in marrying. The Proverbs remind us of the need to
double-check our judgment with the counsel of people we can trust
(12:15; 20:18).
What other practical items should we consider today? In
addition to the four guidelines just mentioned, we should consider
the following:
Study the family. How a person gets along with parents and
brothers and sisters will tell you volumes about his character.
A son who "mistreats his father and chases away his mother is a
son who causes shame and brings reproach" (Prov. 19:26). A person
who honors his father and mother (Eph. 6:2-3) enjoys the favor of
the Lord. Such a person shows the kind of character that we should
want in a mate. How do his or her parents relate to one another?
You can be sure that their example has left a deep impression on
your future mate.
And by the way, don't forget to study your own family life and your
parents' marriage example. What you've observed may or may not be
the type of marriage that God wants you to imitate.
Don't rush! Make sure you know yourself and the other person
well enough to be certain that you are right for each other and
ready for a lifetime relationship (Prov. 19:2; 29:20). Love at first
sight is a myth. The only thing you can catch at first sight is
a superficial attraction--or a cold. Love takes time to grow and
develop.
Practical Considerations
1. Look in the appropriate place.
2. Ask the Lord for help.
3. Don't base your decision on one "sign."
4. Seek advice.
5. Study the family.
6. Don't rush.
Should I consider marrying someone from another race? The Old
Testament regulations that Jews were to marry only within the Jewish
race were intended to keep Israel from close associations with their
idolatrous neighbors whom the Lord wanted destroyed. The purity of
the race was also important because of God's plan for Israel as a
unique nation, the race through whom the promised Redeemer would come.
The racial distinctions, therefore, were primarily spiritual distinctions.
And the New Testament does not promote a separation of the races.
So, no biblical reason exists for prohibiting marriages across racial
lines today. But a word of caution is needed. From a practical standpoint,
you must consider the differences not merely of skin color but, more
important, cultural backgrounds and even social acceptability. You
and your marriage partner need to be able to relate to one another
on many levels. Be sure that you can overcome whatever cultural barriers
may be there, and be sure that you are ready and willing to endure
any social stigma that you or your children may face. Prejudice against
interracial marriages is an ugly reality we all have to come to grips
with. So, caution and careful evaluation are needed.
What if my parents don't approve? Do you have to follow their
wishes? If you want to keep peace in the family you do! But if you
are old enough to make a mature and responsible decision, and you
think that you are making the right choice, what then?
Whatever you do, don't neglect to show honor for your parents (Eph.
6:2-3) even when you disagree with them. Give them time to see your
perspective. Talk it out with them. Find out exactly why they don't
want you to marry so-and-so. It could be that they sense a serious
character flaw or some other problem that you are not aware of. Give
them the benefit of the doubt for a while. Don't overreact. Ask the
Lord to help you and your parents to see the issues clearly. Affirm
your love and respect for them.
Your pastor and others may be able to give you objective counsel about
what to do. It could be that your parents are being unreasonable,
but do all you can to preserve your relationship with them. Try to
win their approval, but don't try to force it out of them. The person
you want to marry should be able to understand and wait for a while.
Only as a last resort, after you have carefully and prayerfully examined
your motives, your readiness for marriage, your compatibility, and
your love, should you ever bypass your parents' wishes.
How much freedom do I have to choose? Is there only one person
in the world who is right for you, or do you have several options
that would please God? This is another issue that isn't so easy to
answer because we get into the matter of God's sovereignty and our
free will —and that's beyond human comprehension.
We can be sure, however, that God is in control and that He has given
us freedom. That freedom includes the ability to make mistakes--both
innocent ones and sinful ones. Instead of sitting around and fretting
about whether or not we are selecting the one person in the world
God planned for us to marry, we would be better off living in continual
dependence on the Lord, trusting Him to bring us to the person who
is right for us.
Thinking It Over. What can keep us from using our heads before
getting married? What practical issues mentioned in this chapter are
essential to a happy marriage? What makes you a practical choice for
someone to want to marry you? What practical reasons would a person
have for not wanting to marry you?
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©1990,1998
RBC Ministries —Grand Rapids, MI 49555 Printed in USA
Used with permission.
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