Consider Character

What kind of person would you want to perform heart surgery on you? Would you want someone who was a regular user of cocaine, a psychopathic killer, or a medical intern who had cheated his way through medical school? Probably none of the above, right? You would want someone who was a qualified and competent doctor, someone who was prepared for the surgery he was to perform on you.

So too, you need to be sure that the person you choose to marry has the right qualifications to be your husband or wife. This doesn't mean that you should hand out test forms to everyone you date, but it does mean that you should be aware of what traits are desirable in a spouse, and what to watch out for. And perhaps most important of all —what you expect from others should also be evident in your life!

What character traits were important in the case of Isaac and Rebekah? As Eliezer came into the town of Nahor, he prayed and asked the Lord to point out a certain kind of young woman; and I don't think he was just asking for some arbitrary signs. Eliezer asked the Lord to bring to him a young woman whose actions would display a submissive, humble, servant attitude. Those character traits would be revealed by her willingness to give a drink to Eliezer and his camels (Gen. 24:13-14).

When Rebekah fulfilled those requirements, the account says that Eliezer watched her closely to confirm if she was the one for Isaac (v.21). As the situation unfolded, she displayed a sensitivity to the Lord by her willingness to go with Abraham's servant--even after she heard his amazing story.

In verse 16, Rebekah is described as being very beautiful and a virgin. I'm sure that her natural beauty didn't hurt her chances, though we can't be sure that her beauty was a determining factor. We can be fairly sure, however, that her virginity was an important issue. The Old Testament law was very strict about sexual behavior (Dt. 5:18; 22:13-21). Deception at the time of marriage about one's sexual purity could even lead to the death penalty (v.21).


What character qualities are important for people entering marriage today? Here are some traits you should look for in others and develop in yourself:


1. Willingness to serve, humility. He or she should be able to live in harmony with others, be willing to associate with people of low position, not be conceited (Jn. 13:1-7; Rom. 12:16). Above all, he or she should be willing to serve you.

2. Sexual purity. Sex was designed for marriage. You should be saving yourself for someone who has been saving himself or herself for you (Rom. 13:13-14; Heb. 13:4).

But what if you or the person you are interested in was sexually active in the past? Have you forfeited the privilege of a happy marriage? No. You will have to deal with the emotional scars of those previous sexual activities, but by God's grace and mercy any person can be completely forgiven and purified by Christ (2 Sam. 12:13; 1 Jn. 1:9).

According to recent surveys, the odds are that many singles who read this booklet will have already engaged in sexual activity. So do you throw the standards out the window? Of course not. Sin never makes lawlessness okay. Our sin only makes us need God's mercy and forgiveness more desperately.

The problems in your sexual past or your future marriage partner's sexual past could be deepseated personality issues. You would be wise to make sure that the past has been properly dealt with and that sinful sexual behavior patterns have truly been broken and left behind. Otherwise, those same character weaknesses will reappear in the future and threaten your marital sexual relationship. It would be wise to talk over these issues with your pastor or a Christian counselor and make sure that you and your future partner have truly put the past behind and are committed to sexual purity.

3. Devotion to Christ. You should settle for no less than a believer who is spiritually sensitive to the Lord and desires to live for Christ (2 Cor. 6:14-18; Eph. 4:17--5:20; Phil. 3:7-16; 1 Jn. 2:15-17).

4. Right priorities. The one you choose to commit your life to as husband or wife should not be committed to money, pleasure, or popularity (Eccl. 2:1-11; 5:8-17; 6:1-12; Mt. 6:33; Rom. 12:2; 1 Tim. 6:10; Heb. 13:5).

5. Right beliefs. Don't marry a heretic! You don't have to agree on every minor issue, but make sure that you agree on the biblical basics of sound doctrine (1 Jn. 4:1-6).

6. Commitment to church. God did not intend the Christian life to be a game of solitaire. He designed the church to meet our needs and for us to serve others. You should agree on this issue with your future mate (Eph. 4:1-16; Heb. 10:24-25).

7. Loving attitude. This is the most basic characteristic that every believer should possess (Jn. 13:35; Gal. 5:22; 1 Jn. 3:11-20). Don't marry a grouch! I can't imagine why such people would attract any prospects, but they do—by hiding their true character and by luring with other qualities. The wisdom of Proverbs warns us that being married to an irritable and contentious person can be torture! (19:13; 21:9,19). Examine your relationship and see how you get along. Are you always bickering? Do you feel verbally or emotionally abused?

8. Self-control. Does the potential mate show restraint when angered? Is he or she addicted to alcohol, drugs, food, sex, work, sports, or impulse buying? (Prov. 23:20-21; 25:28; Gal. 5:22-23; Eph. 5:15-18).

9. Honesty. The writer of Proverbs said that "an honest answer is like a kiss on the lips" (24:26 NIV). If a person truly loves you, he or she will show that affection with honest words.

10. Beauty below the skin. The Lord looks for attractive inner qualities in a man and a woman; should we do any less? (1 Sam. 16:7; Prov. 11:22; 31:13; 1 Pet. 3:2-5). Beauty is only skin-deep, but character goes right to the bone. You should find your mate to be physically attractive to you, but that's not as important as inner attraction.

11. Responsibility. Don't marry a selfish, lazy person who lacks the desire or the means to fulfill certain responsibilities. Rebekah and her father could tell from Eliezer's gifts and his description of Isaac that he would be able to take care of her needs (Gen. 24:22,35,53). That sounds coldly practical, doesn't it? But contrary to some opinion, you can't pay bills with promises of love.

In 1 Timothy 5, the apostle Paul said, "If anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever" (v.8). Paul didn't mince words, did he? If you shouldn't marry an unbeliever, you certainly should not marry a person whose financial irresponsibility and laziness make him "worse than an unbeliever." The "sluggard" who is mentioned so often in Proverbs is a person to be avoided as a mate (24:30-34).

12. Good relationship with parents. How a person relates to his parents will tell you a lot about his character. God places great value on showing respect and honor for parents (Eph. 6:1-3).

How can expectations be too high or too low? Some people may expect perfection while others don't expect enough. The problem with any kind of list (like the one above) is that we can make impossible demands on another person. Certainly the basic spiritual and character qualities should be there, but we cannot expect a person to be perfect. There's no such creature on this planet! So be reasonable. Don't budge on the major issues, but allow room for growth of character. The important matter is whether or not the person you marry is devoted to Christ and is allowing God to work in his or her life to become more like Jesus Christ.

And one other practical note: Don't choose someone with the idea that you will be able to drastically alter his or her character after the wedding ceremony. Be prepared to live with that person even if he or she never changes!

Thinking It Over. What area of your life needs some prayerful attention? Would you be a good "catch" for someone looking for a marriage partner? If you are thinking about marrying someone, do you know that person well enough to conclude that he or she would help your relationship with Christ?





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