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 The Restoration of Oneness— What God Intends Marriage to be Remember the discarded oak table? In order for it to become useful again, it needed to be stripped, sanded, strengthened, and finished. When its beauty and strength were restored, it was enjoyable to see and to use.
The same is true when it comes to restoring a marriage. Strength
and beauty must both be restored. The writer of Proverbs reminds
us: By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures (Prov. 24:3-4).It is God’s will that a marriage fill a home with “rare and beautiful treasures.” But this kind of relationship doesn’t just happen; it must be built. For a couple to enjoy the treasure of oneness, they must devote themselves to acquiring and applying wisdom, understanding, and knowledge about how they are designed to relate to each other and how they actually do relate to each other. Husbands must learn what it means to care for and sacrificially love their wives. Wives must learn what it means to deeply respect and love their husbands. God’s intention is to restore the strength of a man and the beauty of a woman through the mutually refining process of marriage (Prov. 27:17). The Context For Restoration: Restored Oneness When we get married, it’s easy for us to forget that the primary goal of our marriage is not our own personal fulfillment. The goal is to reflect God’s love and wisdom. Fulfillment is the joyful byproduct of sharing in His goodness. Another analogy is helpful here. A braided relationship. I learned a long time ago how to braid my daughters’ hair. I discovered that even though a braid looks like it is made of two strands, it is a hidden third strand that holds the other two together. It’s a beautiful picture of a godly marriage. Mature marriages reflect the glory of God when both spouses actively invite Christ to braid their individual love stories together with His larger love story of redemption. Their focus shifts from me to we, which recognizes God’s story interwoven with theirs. The braiding together of a man’s strength and a woman’s beauty with God’s will results in a relationship that is stronger, more beautiful, and more glorifying to God than either of them ever could be separately. The writer of Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 heralds the virtues of partnership and exposes the liabilities of aloneness. His summary of a healthy partnership is this: “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (v.12). One loving man and wife plus the living God make a healthy marriage that reveals rare and beautiful treasures.  The mind of Christ. Many have expressed concern that too much or too little is made of Paul’s teaching on mutual submission (Eph. 5:21) as the context for marriage. What is clear, however, is that the kind of mutual submission a husband or wife owes any other brother or sister in Christ also applies to the marriage relationship. The words of the apostle Paul in Philippians 2:3-4 define the essence of all Christlike relationships: Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.When Christlike love permeates a marriage, husbands and wives honor and care for each other. Instead of looking out for self-interests, each spouse personally invests in and sacrifices for the best interests of the other. This is what leads to the enjoyment of the uniqueness of being male and female. “We have a choice: We can either delight in diversity or destroy distinctions.”5 The Calling Of A Wife A wife is called by God to demonstrate her Christlike love for her husband by the healthy way she respects and submits to him. A wife’s call is to respect her husband (Eph. 5:33). A wife can respect her husband when she knows that God has given him a role and responsibility for which he will be held accountable. She respects him as an expression of her desire to honor the Lord. She gives weight to her husband’s calling to protect and provide for her “just as Christ loved the church” (v.25) She doesn’t take lightly this responsibility given to him by God. It’s important to understand, however, that if a wife truly honors her husband, she will help him remain true to his commitments. While offering herself to God, she offers her husband an inner beauty that helps him enjoy the opportunity to nourish and cherish her (Eph. 5:29; 1 Pet. 3:4-6). A wife’s call to submit to her husband is found in Ephesians 5:22, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” This submission is not about indulging the self-centered interests of her mate, but rather about helping him to be the kind of man and husband God intends him to be. Unfortunately, too many men and women have a warped idea of submission. Some see it as a husband’s right to call all the shots and the woman’s duty to do whatever he tells her to do. Many abusive marriages are built on this hellish view of submission. It deadens the heart and soul of both partners and often leads to violence. Nothing could be further from what God had in mind. A woman is never called to put up with abuse under the guise of submission. Instead, by living out her calling to respect her husband, she will hold him accountable for any abuse of his God-given strength. The term submission in the context of marriage literally means that a wife is to voluntarily align herself under the loving protection and provision God built into a husband’s role. Such submission relates to a woman’s original calling to be a “suitable helper” for her husband. There is something about a woman’s having been made to complete what was lacking in a man that is reflected in God’s call for a unique kind of submission in marriage. Submission in no way diminishes a woman’s value, spiritual equality, or place of honor in the relationship. In the Garden of Eden, submission was safe. Since the fall, however, willful submission to a sinful man has become an act of vulnerability for a woman. It directly cuts against the grain of her curse (Gen. 3:16). Instead of doing what self-protection would dictate—working hard to control her husband so that she doesn’t experience the pain of his failure to love—she puts her hope for security in God (1 Pet. 3:5), not in her husband, remembering that one purpose of her submission is “so that no one will malign the word of God” (Ti. 2:5). The Calling Of A Husband Prior to my son’s going out on his first date, we talked about his responsibility to the one who was going out with him. The word I impressed on him was honor. If he honored his date, he would give her reason to feel safe and protected by his strength, and he would grow stronger because of her trust. While such honor is foundational to the relationship between a man and a woman, God requires more of a husband. According to the New Testament letter to the Ephesians, a husband’s distinct role and responsibility is to love his wife the way Christ loves the church. This is how he submits his own will to God—to care for her and to protect her. Christlike love (Eph. 5:25). Paul told husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” By this clear and direct statement, we learn more of what Jesus taught about leadership. The Lord who sacrificially died for the church gave His disciples a profound pattern for leadership when He said: The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors. But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves (Lk. 22:25-26). When this principle of servant leadership is applied to the marriage relationship, it helps us see that husbands are not called to rule over their wives but to lead by the way they love. And how did Christ love the church? He patiently cared for her—even to the point of dying for her. A man is called to use his strength to provide a safe relationship in which a woman will not face the fear of abuse or abandonment. As a husband gives his wife reason to feel secure and deeply loved, her true beauty will be enhanced. She will feel more trusting, and they will feel close. Nourishing and cherishing love (Eph. 5:28-29). It’s natural for a man to love himself. He doesn’t need to be taught. But loving his wife the way he loves himself is uncommon for most husbands. Every woman longs to feel nourished and cherished by her man. To nourish means that he provides her with what she needs to flourish as a woman. He wants her to grow strong, so he feeds her hunger for communication, attention, time, and touch. A husband should take the initiative to provide a relational and spiritual greenhouse environment that consistently encourages his wife to engage in acts of love and good deeds (Heb. 10:24) as she lives out her call to reflect beauty and tenderness in nurturing relationships. To cherish means that a husband treats his wife in ways that make her feel highly valued and deeply loved. Actions and words that take her best interests and desires into account make a woman feel cherished. Knowing that she’s not only heard but also listened to communicates to a wife that she’s significant in her man’s life. His appreciative comments not only praise her in private but honor her in public. By taking the initiative to courageously draw out her inner feminine beauty, a man provides his wife with a taste of the very first marriage. 
[Discovery Series Home] [Order Here] © 2001 RBC Ministries —Grand Rapids, MI 49555 Printed in USA Used with permission. |
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