Understanding God’s original design for marriage will help us to see why we are not experiencing the kind of intimacy, passion, and union that our Creator intended. The

self-centeredness and alienation that all marriages now wrestle with tells us that something has gone wrong. According to the book of Genesis, our struggles can be traced back to a defining moment.

The Temptation And Fall are recorded in Genesis 3:1-6. Satan, the great deceiver, entered the garden disguised as a beautiful and cunning creature. He convinced the woman that God was holding out on her and Adam by denying them the right to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (2:16-17). The deceiver raised doubts about God’s goodness, suggesting that the Creator didn’t want Adam and Eve to be as wise as He was. Being deceived, Eve ate of the fruit and “gave some to her husband, who was with her” (3:6).

Without any recorded word of objection, Adam ate. (The language of the narrative seems to indicate that Adam may have been present when Eve ate the fruit but did nothing to intervene.) What we do know is that he wasn’t deceived (1 Tim. 2:14). Adam chose his relationship with his wife over obedience to his God. And all of mankind and creation since then have groaned under the bitter consequences of his choice (Rom. 8:22-23).

The Consequences Of The Fall are found in verses 7 and 10 of Genesis 3:

Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. . . . “I heard You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”

Three major consequences of the fall to the marriage relationship were shame, fear, and hiding.

Shame produces fear. Adam and Eve immediately knew something inside of them had changed. While physically unaltered, they saw their nakedness differently and experienced shame for the first time. No longer did they feel comfortable being uncovered in each other’s presence. They became self-conscious. Their embarrassment was not that they saw each other’s naked body for the first time. Rather, it was the way they looked at each other that had changed. No longer were they looking with eyes of pure love and devotion. Sin had separated them spiritually from God as their life source. From now on they would see each other not only as someone whose love and companionship they craved, but also as a threat to their well-being.

Spiritual alienation from God has made us a threat to one another. Because we all are painfully aware that there are things about us that are flawed and unacceptable, the closer the relationship, the greater the risk of exposure and consequent rejection. Nowhere is that felt more acutely than in the closeness required in marriage. With time comes the awareness of faults and failures. That’s why we fear openness—with each other and with God. “The world is not set up for intimacy, but on the contrary for privacy, and for the most part it abhors the pain and the honesty and the humility which characterize deep human relationships.”2 The threat of exposing our sinfulness often compels us to hide.

Fear results in hiding. After doing the one thing God told them not to do, Adam and Eve were afraid (Gen. 2:10). They must have remembered that God said they would die if they ever ate of that one tree (v.17). So, not thinking clearly (which is usually the case when sin is ruling our hearts), they hid. They should have known that if God really was all-seeing and all-knowing, hiding would be futile.

As they hid among the trees, Adam and Eve had no concept of God’s forgiveness and grace. They knew only that they had broken the one rule they had been given—and they were afraid of the consequences.

Ever since that day, fear and hiding have scarred and marred all human relationships. All of us now discover for ourselves that “in a fallen world, the most profoundly experienced human touch is often one that hurts.”3 We learn in so many ways that it is dangerous to let down our guard. Fear rules our relationships, and hiding seems perfectly reasonable.

Hiding becomes a way of life when distance is preferred to closeness, and when risking exposure threatens one’s sense of wholeness. In spite of the fact that we were created to reflect the likeness of God in our relationships, we spend more time protecting our own interests and self-image than promoting God’s interests and reflecting His image.

As we have learned to hide our bodies to protect ourselves and avoid disgrace, we have learned to hide our hearts as well (Jer. 17:9). In fact, we are so adept at it that we are often unaware that we’re hiding. Sometimes, however, we know exactly what we’re doing. And when we’re caught hiding, we typically look for a way to shift the blame to others. Time after time we repeat the pattern of our first parents who when caught red-handed tried to shift blame away from themselves (Gen. 3:12-13).

Since the fateful fall of the first couple, our modus operandi has become self-protection at all costs. While we say we long for intimacy (and we do), the fact is that we abhor the pain it requires and avoid the honesty and humility that it demands. We feel trapped. We long to be close, yet we refuse to pay the price of the closeness we crave and can’t live without. Marriage torments us with its call to enjoy intimacy but with fear of its exacting price of self-exposure and vulnerability. Because of the unique closeness it requires, marriage is probably the most delightful and demanding of all human relationships.

And as if that wasn’t enough, God levied a curse on Adam and Eve. This was not merely to frustrate mankind but to lovingly reveal that, in our fallen state, relationships will not work apart from a humble brokenness that drives us back to God as our only source of life and hope.

Gender-Specific Consequences. The Creator’s apparent intent in the curse was to rig the world so that mankind’s best efforts to make life and relationships work without reliance on Him would constantly be frustrated. This consequence wasn’t just punishment. It was designed to draw straying men and women back to their God.

The impact on women (Gen. 3:16). The curse on the woman targeted her relationships.

Relationship is marred by pain. To the woman, God said, “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing.” With these words, God was signaling that the fruit of intimacy with her husband would not only produce joy but also pain and sorrow. This pain, however, would not be confined to childbirth. Looking back, we can see that all of a woman’s attempts to nurture life and cultivate beauty through loving relationships have been fraught with heartache. And marriage has been one of her primary battlefields.

Conflict is normal in marriage. God warned Eve, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” This text describes the roots of the battle between the sexes. A woman’s “desire” in this context likely implies a desire for control (compare the same word in Gen. 4:7).4 A man’s “rule” likely refers to domination by force. Marriage has become what God never intended it to be—a struggle for power and control instead of a complementary relationship of equals.

A woman often struggles to control her relationship with her husband because she’s afraid of being controlled by him if she doesn’t. While God has not taken away a man’s responsibility to provide loving, self-sacrificing, servant leadership, He knows that a man’s self-centered tendency will be to misuse his strength and overpower his wife to get what he wants. This abuse of male power fuels the urge for control on the part of women.

This intensifies a woman’s core struggle with insecurity. A wife longs to be secure in the strength of her husband’s love. She feels most secure when he takes the initiative in tenderly leading her. But when a man violates his call by either abdicating his leadership or abusing it, a woman feels abandoned and unloved.

But rather than face their vulnerability and painful disappointment, women tend to hide their femininity by controlling or conceding.

Women often strive to control the relationship to minimize their feelings of insecurity. If they risk letting their vulnerability be seen, they fear it will be ignored. When their security is threatened, they take control by efficiently managing their world (such as being so competent that no one would ever suspect their fears), being so nice (so that anyone denying their requests would feel like a cad), or by relying on their physical attractiveness to ensure that they are not abandoned. Women who practice hiding their heartache by seeking control seldom risk experiencing their insecurity without a safety net. A well-thought-out contingency plan is essential to their survival because “no man is truly trustworthy.”

On the other hand, some women have been so overpowered and overwhelmed by abusive men that they hide their feminine hearts by concession. They may have fought for control earlier, but after being repeatedly crushed by an overbearing man, they have given up on ever feeling safe and secure in their marriage. They go along to get along, and they avoid conflict. They end up settling for a hollow relationship that is mere survival—not truly living.

The impact on men (Gen. 3:17-19). The curse on a man relates to his adequacy to creatively manage his work and initiate leadership with his wife.

Men’s struggle with work. While productive work was always a part of God’s plan for man (Gen. 1:28-30; 2:15), God told Adam that all his attempts to sustain life from the earth would now involve “painful toil” (3:17). The earth would become more his foe than his friend. The ground that had once yielded abundantly to his touch would “produce thorns and thistles” that would frustrate his attempts to eke out a living (v.18). Work now became hard. Resistance became the norm. Blood, sweat, and tears were required to survive.

Men’s struggle with adequacy. Men are typically haunted by the question of whether or not they have what it takes to love and lead in the way God expects. Chronic fears of inadequacy are the lingering legacy of God’s curse on men. The curse exposes their battle to balance all that life throws at them. “Thorns and thistles” produce hostile opposition not only in their work but also in their relationships. Commonly, a man’s efforts to measure up in his marriage are especially frustrated when he is threatened by his wife’s vulnerability (which he can’t fix) and her demand for control (which he can’t change). The battle for control in a marriage with a woman who feels vulnerable and unprotected by a man who feels inadequate and unfairly criticized is a formula for frustration and conflict that most men work hard to avoid.

But rather than face their inadequacy and disappointment in not measuring up, men tend to hide their masculinity through avoidance or abuse.

Men who feel weak often avoid situations and relationships (especially with assertive women) where they fear exposure of their ineptness in leading. When threatened, these men tend to seek escape through some form of diversion, busyness, addictive activity, or some area of felt competency. Men who practice hiding through avoidance won’t risk failure in what matters most to them. They seek to protect their image at all costs.

Some men who are open in their anger use their strength to abuse and control physically weaker women. They dominate with physical intimidation, tongue-lashing, money control, or relentless put-downs and criticisms, which over time demean and dishonor the wife God has given to them.

But a man’s avoidance or abuse, or a woman’s concession or control, is not a solution. Time, love, and tenderness are needed to restore what has been deeply marred. And that’s exactly what it will take for marriage to become what God intends it to be—a work of restoration in progress.