We all carry myths into our marriages. We all bring our share of unrealistic expectations shaped by parents and friends, education and media, church and culture.

When these dreams give way to unhappy nights and realistic mornings, marriage loses its glow. Disappointment, disillusionment, and cynicism set in. All too often, husbands and wives begin to think they have made a mistake and married the wrong

person. Some become restless and look for another “special someone” who will fulfill their dashed hopes and dreams. Others, rather than risk the temptation to look outside of the relationship for fulfillment, progressively deaden their hearts and deny the desire for something more. Endurance becomes the goal. The dream of enjoyment fades to a faint glimmer of the past.

Five of the most common myths about marriage that fuel unrealistic expectations are:

The For-Me Myth of personal fulfillment is expressed in the unspoken thought, “Finally I have someone who will meet my needs.” This myth grows out of a self-centered preoccupation with what seems best for me. Marriage is viewed not as a we-relationship but as a me-arrangement designed to meet my needs. This myth explodes with the realization that a healthy marriage needs two people who are committed to be there for each other, not two individuals seeking self-fulfillment.

The Marriage-Is-Easier Myth grows out of a legitimate understanding that burdens shared are more manageable. An engaged man or woman often assumes, “Things will get easier now that I have someone to share the load.” While financially that may be true, the combination of two people with different genders, backgrounds, experiences, and expectations adds up to a mix of mystery and madness. The marriage-is-easier myth usually begins to die after the honeymoon is over, and after a series of heated arguments about money, sex, inlaws, schedules, friends, weight, appearance, or why there is a scratch on the side of the car.

The No-Effort Myth represents a passive and irresponsible approach to marriage. This is the assumption that “If a marriage is good, it just happens—like magic.” Work and painful choices are not viewed as necessary components of a healthy marital partnership. Instead, those holding to this myth believe that if they have to work at their marriage, then something must be wrong. And the “something” quickly becomes “someone” who needs to be controlled, changed, or replaced.

The Happiness Myth is probably the most common, and the most deadly, to marriages. “And they both lived happily ever after” is the expected postscript to every wedding. This myth assumes that my personal happiness is the ultimate goal of marriage. Even the phrase “happily married” suggests that this relationship is expected to provide a lifetime of bliss. Yet time always reveals that unrealistic expectations are chronically unreasonable. The hope that “a spouse will always make me happy” is impossible to fulfill.

The Lost-Love Myth is rooted in the belief that love is only a feeling. Once the initial intense affections for a spouse are buried by the reality of life together, many believe that their love has been lost. Couples fear that they have “fallen out of love” and begin to doubt that they could ever “fall back in.” In this myth, choice and commitment are not seen as a part of an ideal relationship. Love is viewed as a feeling that is fragile and fickle.

Many couples struggle or give up on myth-based marriages. They stop short of discovering the radically different portrait of marriage that God paints in the Bible. It is the wonder, design, and “oneness” of that relationship that we’ll be looking at.





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