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 The Damage of Extreme Verbal Abuse Verbally abusive words can hurt at any level. But we are left with damage that is more extensive when the abuse becomes extreme. You can’t see the bruises, as you can with physical abuse, but the injury is there and is just as great. In fact, most extremely abused spouses say they would prefer physical abuse over another torrent of guilt-trips, put-downs, and angry words. The misery they experience is seen in the details of the mental, emotional, and physical harm they incur. Mental Damage. The long-term effect of living with an irrational, belittling spouse is that those who are being abused feel as if they’re going crazy. They feel as if they’re going to explode inside because they know something is seriously wrong but their partners continue to deny it. Their partners insist that nothing is wrong, and that if there is a problem it’s not with them. One abused wife said that she would get so frustrated and confused that she felt like pulling the hair out of her head. She never knew what to expect. What wasn’t a big deal one day to her husband would upset him the next. And no matter how hard she tried to explain herself, her husband wouldn’t even consider her point of view. She knew what the truth was, but her husband was so clever and persuasive at making her think that everything was her fault or that he didn’t say what he said, that she felt compelled to believe him. But she always suspected she was betraying her own sense of good judgment. Spouses who are married to mates who regularly abuse them with their words also struggle with extreme self-doubt. They doubt their own feelings, judgments, abilities, and perceptions. When their point of view is constantly discounted, they begin to second-guess themselves. After being so disparaged and demeaned, they lack confidence in themselves and in their ability to stand up for what they believe. Perhaps the worst damage caused by severe verbal abuse in marriage is a loss of selfhood. This is when a spouse begins to believe that he or she has no value or voice. No one can ever truly take away an individual’s sense of being a person of unique value, but a verbally oppressive spouse can come very close. To have one’s opinions, feelings, accomplishments, and dreams regularly mocked and discounted can lead a person into thinking that he or she is nothing as an individual. Such cruel mistreatment smothers the glory and honor God has given each of us as creatures made in His image (Ps. 8:4-5).  Emotional Damage. Extreme verbal abuse makes its victims feel small and powerless. They feel weak and helpless as individuals to change their circumstances. After living in a situation where nothing changes no matter what they do, they slowly give up. They begin to stop caring and start to lose heart. Many of us who know someone who has been verbally abused notice this shift in the person’s countenance. The person who used to be happy, outgoing, and full of energy and hope is now unhappy, withdrawn, lethargic, and depressed. Spouses who experience extreme verbal abuse also feel the penetrating knife of betrayal. Before marriage, their partners led them to believe they were kind, thoughtful, reasonable, and flexible. Some put on quite an elaborate show of kindness and respect. Shortly after marriage, however, the dark side began to show itself. When marriage partners turn out to be completely different from what they pretended to be, feelings of betrayal can become overwhelming. The sense of betrayal and abandonment deepens for many because they also feel let down by their church. Many women who have been victimized by extreme verbal abuse haven’t found their churches to be a place of help. Many church leaders don’t believe the Scriptures give them a basis for considering verbal and emotional abuse as serious as physical and sexual abuse. Some believe the problem will go away if the “offended” partner goes home and tries to be more submissive and loving. The Scriptures, however, teach that while words may seem insignificant, they can do great damage. Words can degrade. Words are like fire (Jas. 3:5-6). Words can be hellish in their destructive effect (v.6). Words can be a deadly poison (v.8). Words can cripple. Words can kill. The sinful use of words can put us in danger of eternal punishment (Mt. 5:22). Sadly, the truthfulness of these Scriptures is borne out in the lives of many who have found that the pain of demeaning words can be worse and more lasting than a physical assault. Having their marriage partner call them ugly, stupid, or good-for-nothing is a worse betrayal of companionship than a slap in the face. Physical Damage. Eventually, what affects the soul will take its toll on the body. It’s not uncommon for spouses who have experienced extreme verbal abuse to suffer with a host of stress-related symptoms such as migraine headaches, nervous twitches, or severe stomachaches. Victims also suffer from exhaustion, TMJ disorders, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Such physical afflictions can cause needless suffering and disrupt a person’s capacity to serve and to enjoy life.  [Discovery Series Home] [Order Here] ©2000 RBC Ministries —Grand Rapids, MI 49555 Printed in USA Used with permission. |
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