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 Verbal Opression in Marriage While we know that verbal battles happen in every marriage, reasonable and fair-minded people realize that there is a line between normal marital conflict and severe verbal and emotional abuse. It doesn’t take great wisdom to see that when a dominant spouse begins using words to habitually control and attack, a critical line has been crossed. The marriage has become a one-sided, verbally abusive relationship where love and respect have been replaced by self-centered power and control. When the line between normal marital conflict and severe verbal abuse is increasingly crossed, the relationship becomes oppressive. Partners stand less and less on equal ground. One spouse doesn’t have the freedom to say no or to express his or her views and opinions. The other has most, if not all, of the power, and almost everything must happen on the controlling spouse’s terms—or else. The Bible doesn’t take any kind of selfish domination lightly. Seeing the tears of the oppressed and observing that power was on the side of their oppressors, the writer of Ecclesiastes concluded that it can seem better to be dead than to be alive and oppressed (Eccl. 4:1-2). Oppression is a terrible experience in any context, but especially in marriage. It’s certainly not the mutual love and respect that God intended between a husband and a wife (Eph. 5:21-28). Instead, it’s more like a dictatorship, one spouse lording authority over the other. To reinforce control, spouses with the most power may try to isolate their mates from family and friends. Behind closed doors they may also use a pattern of physical, emotional, financial, and even sexual control. Who Are The Abusive Oppressors? Experience and research tell us that husbands are usually the ones who are verbally controlling, but many wives are guilty as well. While husbands commit most of the physical abuse that occurs in marriage, both husbands and wives have the potential to dominate their spouses with their words. Not all verbally abusive spouses look alike. Some are overtly intimidating and demanding—similar to the sort of person described in Psalm 10:7 whose “mouth is full of curses and lies and threats; trouble and evil are under his tongue.” Others are not so obviously offensive and demanding, but are extremely manipulative. They are like both of Samson’s wives who manipulated and pestered him with their words for days on end until they wore him down to the point that he finally gave them what they wanted (Jud. 14:16-17; 16:15-17).  How Do Spouses Use Words To Oppress? Spouses who regularly oppress and control their partners employ the same verbal tactics used by all spouses—they just use them more frequently and with greater intensity and malice. The names they use are generally more demeaning. The guilt trips are more subtle and confusing. The sarcasm is more biting, and the blaming is more intense. They also add a few tactics such as threatening, demanding, and invalidating. Threatening. Threats are used to scare and intimidate their mates. They may threaten to divorce, quit a job, spread vicious rumors, take away the children, or even commit murder or suicide if they don’t get what they want. Demanding. Ordering their spouses around and speaking to them like servants is a more obvious way to control and oppress. They don’t make a request like “Please?” or “Could you do this for me?” They make demands. They restrict and boss their partners around with statements like, “You’re not doing that!” or “We’re leaving now!” Invalidating. Invalidation of thoughts or feelings can play havoc with a person’s mind. Controlling spouses often do this by outrightly denying what they have just said or done. They distort reality in an effort to confuse their spouses and make themselves appear superior. Such mind-games cause their partners to second-guess themselves. By negating what their partners think, they can make them doubt themselves. For instance, when a husband attempts to tell his wife that he feels disparaged by the way she lectures him, she may try to invalidate his point by accusing him of being too sensitive or by totally denying that she “lectures.” An extremely controlling husband might say to his wife, “I just don’t know what’s wrong with you. Do you really think anyone is going to take you seriously?” How Do Verbally Abused And Oppressed Spouses Respond? An abused spouse’s outward response is based on what is taking place inside. Inwardly, most feel extremely guilty for the problems in their relationship. Not only do their controlling spouses regularly imply that they are to blame, they have a tendency to take the hit for anything that goes wrong or to feel guilty for having opinions or desires that are contrary to or that upset their spouses. An emotion they normally don’t feel or allow themselves to feel is anger. Being relentlessly manipulated, belittled, and bossed around is wrong. Such mistreatment should cause them to feel a righteous sense of anger. Not all anger is wrong (Eph. 4:26-27). But oppressed spouses often don’t even admit their own anger to themselves. If they let themselves feel their anger, they are afraid they might say or do something that would further enrage their mates. Many live in the constant terror of being abandoned by the one they need and love. In addition to living with fear, verbally abused women often feel that it is their spiritual responsibility to be submissive even to abusive husbands. They fail to understand that the Bible does not give husbands the right to lord their authority over their wives. Nor does the Bible tell wives that they are never to question their husbands’ abuse of authority. Fearful submission does not honor the covenant of marriage. Nor does mindless submission honor the purpose for which the Scriptures tell husbands and wives to love and respect each other. On the outside, many verbally abused spouses wilt in the face of verbal attacks. Some will comply with their spouse’s demands and others will apologize for upsetting them. One abused wife, for instance, would always withdraw in fear when her husband blew up at her. Eventually, she would apologize for asking him a question or making a statement that he didn’t agree with. He would then tell her that she should be grateful to have a husband like him who would forgive her for putting him through so much. In most cases, verbally abused spouses don’t fully realize the oppression and control they are pinned beneath. It’s as though they have a sense that something isn’t right, but they can’t put their finger on it. Out of frustration, they often try to reason with their abusive spouses and attempt to explain what their abusive mates have misunderstood. They may even ask them to explain why they are so upset. But attempts to clarify are mostly useless. Abusive spouses don’t want to be reasonable. They don’t want honest dialogue. They want to play mind-games by invalidating their spouses’ opinions or by exaggerating the truth. They pursue a strategy of verbal abuse because it works to control their mates. Regrettably, verbally oppressed spouses may sometimes become like their partners and respond with physical violence. After years of constant manipulation, irrationality, and put-downs, a verbally cornered spouse may snap and lash out physically. But violence never resolves marital conflict. God hates violence (Mal. 2:16). In this case, however, the physical violence is not characteristic of the spouse’s reaction nor is a part of a larger system of control and oppression. The intent isn’t to reverse dominance roles. It’s usually a desperate, immature way to stop years of oppression and mistreatment.  [Discovery Series Home] [Order Here] ©2000 RBC Ministries —Grand Rapids, MI 49555 Printed in USA Used with permission. |
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