|
 |
The Healing Journey
Stage
Three: A Time to Rebuild
Building a good marriage is always an uphill battle—even when there
hasn't been an
affair. It requires hard work, sacrifice, humility,
confession, forgiveness, understanding, and love. Couples who make
the courageous choice to rebuild their relationship after an affair
find that the core issues don't change. But the intensity level
that has been raised by the betrayal and distrust must now be addressed
and overcome. Betrayal crushes the trust between a husband and wife.
Without trust, a relationship can't grow. Thus, the major work in
healing a broken marriage is rebuilding trust and restoring friendship.
Rebuilding Trust Through Telling The Truth.
Affairs thrive on secrecy. Deception is essential to the duplicity
that makes an affair possible. The betrayed husband who has been
fed a steady diet of deceit hungers for the truth from his wife.
He will often say, "I don't care how bad it is, just tell me the
truth! I can take the truth. I just can't deal with the lies anymore."
While the power of an affair may be in its secrecy, the weakness
of a marriage may be in its avoidance of issues.5 Truth-telling
means no more pretending from either spouse. The assumption is that
while the unfaithful spouse's duplicity is more easily seen, both
individuals have deceptive hearts (Jer. 17:9) that have played off
each other in a bizarre dance of deception. One lied; the other
looked the other way. One got angry and indignant; the other backed
off. One withdrew; the other didn't pursue. One ignored; the other
avoided. "Speaking the truth in love" to each other (Eph. 4:15)
means admitting the dance and the part each took in it.
The purpose of truth-telling is to put the issues out on the table
where they can be dealt with. It means coming clean—not just exposing
each other, but admitting one's own current feelings and attitudes.
It involves asking and honestly answering questions in three categories:
The Affair. What happened? With whom? When did it begin?
How long did it last? Is it over? This is a major test for the unfaithful
spouse. He or she must be totally honest and tell the wounded spouse
anything he or she wants to know about the extent and duration of
the affair, but not all the sordid details. Sometimes the offended
spouse believes that knowledge of the details will provide the control
needed to prevent an affair from recurring. It won't. Knowing the
details may only inflame the wound, filling the mind with images
that will make it even more difficult to overcome. This is where
a seasoned counselor can help a couple get past new revelations
about the affair and not get bogged down in details that serve no
good purpose.
The Damage. The wounded spouse must honestly share how much
pain the affair has caused. The unfaithful spouse should not be
defensive or try to explain but truly listen to, absorb, and understand
the other's suffering.
The Relationship. Both spouses need to talk honestly about
the way they relate to each other, how they struggle personally,
and how that has affected their relationship in all areas. They
need the help of wise counsel to make the connection between their
past and current struggles. This involves seeing how their unique
struggles reflect a failure to trust God, which weakens their relationship,
hurts those they care about the most, and makes them vulnerable
to a host of self-destructive choices—one of which is the affair.
Truth-telling opens the door to confession that is cleansing and
grief that is healing.
Rebuilding Trust Through Confession. Confession
must be specific. It isn't enough to say "I'm sorry I had an affair.
Will you forgive me?" The specific behaviors, attitudes, and responses
that inflicted so much pain and suffering must be individually named,
owned, and tied to the damage spoken of earlier. When a spouse confesses
to God (Ps. 51) and to his or her mate the guilt over the individual
wounds that have been inflicted, it paves the way for a deepening
sorrow that leads to repentance and change (2 Cor. 7:10). Confession
is necessary for the healing of body, soul, and relationships (Jas.
5:16). It also brings hope because God assures that "he who conceals
his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them
finds mercy" (Prov. 28:13).
Confession must be mutual. Seldom is either spouse blameless. While
not guilty of the affair, the offended spouse has had failures of
love that need to be named and confessed to the unfaithful spouse
and to God.
Should other affairs be confessed? There are always risks
with this. Each situation must be evaluated individually. But given
the human propensity toward deception, it would be a good idea to
come clean all at once rather than risk future exposure that would
undermine any progress made in rebuilding trust. Again, caution
is needed so as to guard against unnecessary exposure of the sordid
details.
Who needs to be told? Not everyone needs to know. Certainly
those directly affected by the affair—one's family. One's pastor,
small group, and some trusted friends need to know so they can help
in the rebuilding process. If a parent needs to leave the home for
a while, the children should be told in general terms, but not in
the specifics. While teenagers may already have figured it out,
don't assume that they know. If there is evidence that they know,
parents should tell them together and prepare them for the changes
that may be ahead, but avoid revealing unnecessary details.
Rebuilding Trust Through Repentance. The
best description of repentance comes from the lips of the king of
Israel whose adulterous affair rocked the nation: "The sacrifices
of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God,
You will not despise" (Ps. 51:17). What are signs of a repentant
heart? A humble attitude that is neither demanding nor defensive
when questioned. An openness that replaces deceit. The willingness
to be accountable for time, money, and whereabouts. Not blaming
or making excuses for failures. Quietly accepting consequences.
A betrayer's humble repentance in word and deed will pave the way
for the betrayed to again risk opening his or her heart and offering
the sweet fruit of forgiveness that can lead to restoration and
renewed joy.
Rebuilding Relationship Through Forgiveness.
The sin is always before those who have had an affair (Ps. 51:3),
but it is ever before their spouse as well. It created a debt that
remains outstanding, and it demands a response.
The natural response would be revenge—to make the betrayer suffer.
But God calls us to a radical standard of loving that advocates
mercy, not revenge (Rom. 12:17-21). He calls us to "be kind and
compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ
God forgave you" (Eph. 4:32). This doesn't seem fair, especially
when the wound has cut so deep. It seems as if it's minimizing our
pain and letting the offender off the hook. But that's not what
forgiveness is.
Jesus taught that forgiveness is the loving, voluntary cancellation
of a debt (Lk. 7:36-48). It doesn't mean that the pain or the anger
will miraculously vanish or that the consequences of sinful choices
will evaporate. Once the betrayed sees signs of repentance (Lk.
17:3-4), forgiveness opens the heart to reconciliation that is based
on mutual respect, mercy, gratefulness, and love.
Rebuilding Relationship Through Reinitiating
Physical Intimacy. After an affair is revealed, both
spouses should get tested for AIDS and STDs. This is a humbling
but necessary experience. In most cases, a minimum of 6 months abstinence
from any sexual relations is necessary to protect the health of
the faithful spouse. If the AIDS test is positive, the couple will
have to grieve and accept the loss of certain forms of sexual intimacy
so as not to endanger the non-infected partner.
The rule for reinitiating sexual intimacy after an affair is to
go slow. Returning to the home after a time of separation doesn't
automatically mean returning to the bedroom and sexual intimacy.
A spouse whose mate has had an affair may want to try to satisfy
all the mate's sexual needs for fear he or she may go looking elsewhere.
The unfaithful partner will need to reassure the wounded spouse
that he or she will not go looking and will be patient.
Trying to prevent a relapse by using sexual intimacy is foolish
and is not a celebration of love the way God intended sex to be
enjoyed. The couple will also need to have some extensive conversations
about the fear, meaning, use, and expression of sexual intimacy
in their relationship prior to reengaging in sexual relations.
[Discovery
Series Home][Topical
Listing][Order
Here][RBC Home]
Managing Editor:Dean Ohlman
Cover Photo: Terry Bidgood
©2000
RBC Ministries —Grand Rapids, MI 49555 Printed in USA
Used with permission.
| |
|
|
 |
| |
Warning: main(http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/cat_headlines_11.php) [function.main]: failed to open stream: HTTP request failed! HTTP/1.1 404
in /usr/home/grow/www/htdocs/discover/cb001/point3.php on line 453
Warning: main() [function.include]: Failed opening 'http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/cat_headlines_11.php' for inclusion (include_path='.:/usr/local/php4/lib/php') in /usr/home/grow/www/htdocs/discover/cb001/point3.php on line 453
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
