|
 |
The Healing Journey
Stage Two: A Time to Decide
After an affair, many couples quickly try to restore their broken
relationship for a variety of reasons—some good, and some bad. Well-intentioned
friends, family, and
church leaders often unwittingly pressure a spouse
to quickly reconcile with an unfaithful partner. This push for a
quick decision is a mistake. A faithful spouse will probably feel
chided or coerced into reconciling quickly, especially if the unfaithful
spouse has not been required to take sufficient time to demonstrate
sorrow and repentance that is trustworthy. Time is needed for both
partners to sort through the issues and put words to the struggles
within their own hearts. Both will question if restoration is even
possible or worth it. A quick decision either way minimizes both
the gravity of what has happened and the necessity of a process
of confrontation, confession, repentance, and forgiveness, which
may or may not lead to reconciliation in the marriage. Deciding
if one should quit or recommit is a monumental decision that should
never be made lightly.
If you are in this stage, seek wise counsel. Take all the time necessary
to sort through the countless questions and ramifications of this
life-altering decision. Don't decide quickly in either direction.
Be devoted to prayer (1 Th. 5:17) and solicit the prayers of others
(Eph. 6:19). Take your time and reflect on what God is doing in
your own heart as well as where He appears to be leading in the
relationship.
As a way of facilitating your journey, walking through some of the
following questions may help you decide which path reflects more
faith, hope, and love. The choice to divorce or rebuild after an
affair will not be easy for either spouse. Important choices never
are. But you can still honor God in your choice.
Can there be restoration if the affair is still going on?
Absolutely not! It's absurd to think that any genuine progress could
be made in healing the wounds in a marriage if the weapon that inflicted
the wound is still in the assailant's hand. Restoring the exclusiveness
of marriage demands a severing of all connection and communication
with the affair partner. Divided loyalty is no loyalty at all.
How will you know if your unfaithful partner is genuinely attempting
to rebuild the marriage? Unfortunately, nothing can provide
the kind of reassurance that will allay the fears of a betrayed
spouse. The decision to rebuild is risky. However, a deciding factor
is the attitude of the unfaithful spouse. It would be foolish even
to consider reconciliation if there is a demanding spirit that pushes
for a quick resolution or uses the deficiencies of the faithful
spouse to justify the affair. An unfaithful husband or wife must
accept the fact that he or she has lost any claim to a restored
relationship.
An unfaithful spouse must be willing to go to extraordinary lengths
to demonstrate by actions the genuineness of his or her intentions
to rebuild the marriage. Consistency and diligence in the following
areas are what will make or break a reconciliation. The offended
spouse, counselor, and church community must all work together to
hold the unfaithful spouse accountable in these areas. He or she
must do the following:
| 1 |
Give up the affair by cutting off
all contact and communication with the third party. This can
be done either by a certified letter approved by the spouse
or in a phone call monitored by the spouse and counselor. Gifts
or mementos exchanged during the affair must be returned or
destroyed. |
| 2 |
Seek individual and marital counseling
to identify the reasons for the affair and to expose the issues
needing to be addressed in order to pave the way for reconciliation.
|
| 3 |
Move out of the home (if requested
by the injured spouse) while, if necessary, still maintaining
the financial provisions for the family. This move should in
no way allow for re-contacting the affair partner, but it does
provide a buffer zone for the wounded spouse to begin to heal.
|
| 4 |
Be patient with the slowness of
forgiveness from the offended individual. There must be no demand
to "just get over it and move on." |
| 5 |
Do whatever it takes to help the
wounded spouse begin to trust again. This includes, but is not
limited to, changing e-mail addresses, relocating, changing
jobs if the affair happened at work, quitting a job that requires
overnight travel, and relinquishing control of the finances.
|
| 6 |
Be accountable to several
trusted individuals and couples who know the whole story and
who have access to both partners. |
| 7 |
Refuse to ask church leaders or
others to help pressure the faithful spouse for quick forgiveness
and restoration. |
What if the unfaithful spouse becomes uncooperative?
The faithful spouse should continue in personal and spiritual growth,
but may need to take appropriate steps to separate from the spouse
who is still emotionally dangerous. The commitment to love the unfaithful
spouse is always required, even if that means loving him or her
as an enemy (Mt. 5:44; Lk. 6:27,35).
Does the Bible require the injured spouse to take back the unfaithful
partner? This question is often asked after an unfaithful partner
has made a public confession of a sexual affair and has asked for
forgiveness, but the wounded spouse is reluctant to forgive or reconcile.
The key is in the word require. The Bible does not require a spouse
to restore the relationship after an affair, nor does it require
a divorce. Although Jesus taught that divorce in the case of sexual
adultery is permissible (Mt. 19:9), the decision to divorce or to
reconcile is given exclusively to the wounded spouse. The unfaithful
spouse, by reason of his or her unfaithfulness, has breached the
marriage covenant and has forfeited all rights to the decision to
divorce or reconcile.
If an offending spouse refuses to give up the illicit lover or becomes
belligerent, physically threatening, abusive, or withholds financial
support from the family, the most loving response to such ongoing
cruelty and hard-heartedness may be to divorce. This prevents the
unfaithful spouse from continuing his or her active defiance of
the marriage covenant and limits the opportunity for abuse. Choosing
to divorce is one of the most dreaded decisions a spouse will ever
make, but in circumstances like these, divorce is not only permissible,
but may also be advisable.
A wounded spouse should not be made to feel guilty for exercising
the God-given option of a divorce. In that case, a wounded spouse
still has the opportunity to demonstrate Christlikeness throughout
the divorce proceedings. The terms of the divorce should be fair
and firm, not vengeful. Revenge is something that God reserves for
Himself (Rom. 12:17-21). (For a more thorough treatment of this
issue, see RBC booklet, Divorce And Remarriage Q0806.)
Can a marriage survive an affair? Ironically, some relationships
not only survive but flourish after an affair. Why? All the pretense
and denial that may have aided in the development of the affair
have been stripped away. Both partners are now capable of viewing
each other more honestly than they did prior to the affair.
This is not an endorsement for the foolish notion that "affairs
are good for a marriage," but it is a reflection of God's redemptive
plan to use things originally intended for evil to accomplish His
good purposes in the hearts of His people (Gen. 50:20).
It is highly unlikely, however, that lasting change will take root
and grow without the partners looking at their own individual contribution
to the troubled relationship. This by no means implies that the
faithful spouse is responsible for his or her mate's choice to have
an affair. Nor does it allow the betrayer to justify the affair
on the grounds of his or her mate's deficiencies. No one is ever
responsible for the choices of another. But both partners must be
willing to look at their individual and mutual histories, styles
of relating, and contributions to the problems in their relationship.
While care must be taken not to minimize or excuse the unfaithful
partner's betrayal, it is likely that some tensions existed in the
marriage before the affair. Dan Allender, in his book The Healing
Path, notes, "No failure of a wife or husband ever causes or excuses
an affair; nonetheless, the downward spiral that leads to an affair
usually involves mutual failure."4 The issue of mutual failure must
be carefully defined and explored if there is to be mutual confession
and forgiveness that produces a renewed oneness.
[Discovery
Series Home][Topical
Listing][Order
Here][RBC Home]
Managing Editor:Dean Ohlman
Cover Photo: Terry Bidgood
©2000
RBC Ministries —Grand Rapids, MI 49555 Printed in USA
Used with permission.
| |
|
|
 |
| |
Warning: main(http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/cat_headlines_11.php) [function.main]: failed to open stream: HTTP request failed! HTTP/1.1 404
in /usr/home/grow/www/htdocs/discover/cb001/point2.php on line 470
Warning: main() [function.include]: Failed opening 'http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/cat_headlines_11.php' for inclusion (include_path='.:/usr/local/php4/lib/php') in /usr/home/grow/www/htdocs/discover/cb001/point2.php on line 470
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
