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The Healing Journey
Stage One: Time for Suffering and Sorrow
No words adequately describe the trauma a person suffers when a
spouse's affair is exposed. Many report that it is the most dreadful
thing they have ever faced—more
excruciating than losing a parent, being diagnosed
with cancer, or being fired. An affair inflicts a vicious wound
to the heart of a faithful spouse. One man told me he would have
rather taken a bullet and been paralyzed than to face his wife's
affair.
At the same time, the unfaithful spouse is also forced to deal with
emotions that will in many ways shape the future of their relationship.
The Wounded Spouse. "While I may look the same on the outside,
inside I'm hemorrhaging and I can't stop it." Most betrayed spouses
feel as if they are going crazy—especially during the initial stages
of shock. Throughout the counseling process they invariably ask,
"Am I going crazy?" My response is always the same: "No, you're
not going crazy. What you're feeling is normal for the kind of experience
you're going through." This reassurance doesn't stop the emotional
roller coaster that's roaring through their world, but it does confirm
that their feelings are normal.
There are at least four categories of emotions that wounded spouses
experience:
They Feel Lost. Gone is the sense of being
intact and whole. They feel as if they've lost their voice in the
world. They feel fragmented, shattered, confused, and disoriented.
They don't know where they belong. It isn't unusual for them to
be driving somewhere and either forget where they were going or
how to get there. Self-respect is shattered, and they commonly ask
themselves, "Why didn't I speak up earlier when I sensed something
was wrong?"
They Feel Betrayed. Betrayal can strip the
heart of any sense of constancy, security, and meaning. Feelings
of being used, discarded, and rejected replace feelings of being
chosen, special, and valued. Their ability to trust is undermined.
Everyone, not just the unfaithful spouse, is now suspect. Even God's
goodness and protection are questioned.
They Feel Powerless. The statement "No matter
how hard I try, I can't fix it" indicates a loss of control. Anger
grows out of a loss of control. They feel as if their life is slipping
through their fingers. There is often a loss of control over their
thoughts and actions. Obsessive thoughts and dreams of their spouse
with a lover invade their days and nights. Compulsively driving
by the lover's apartment every 30 minutes to see if he or she is
there isn't unusual. They lose hope that life could ever be good
again. Usually anger and depression aren't far behind. Statements
like "I give up," "It will never be the same," "I want to die,"
"There's nothing to live for anymore" are normal.
They Feel Ambivalent. A host of competing
emotions all screaming for attention rips them apart. These competing
emotions are common: shame and contempt, joy and sorrow, hurt and
vengefulness, fear and relief. A wife will miss her husband and
yet feel glad that he's gone. She will fluctuate between wanting
to hug him and wanting to beat him, wanting to forgive him and wanting
to make him pay. Ambivalence results in one's shutting down internally—causing
an emotional numbness that paralyzes any productive movement toward
healing.
The Unfaithful Spouse. The emotional response of the ones
who are unfaithful can be varied, depending on whether they feel
guilty over the affair or justified in having it. If they feel justified
and are upset about having been caught, they will be more belligerent.
If they feel guilty and are willing to give up the affair and restore
the marital relationship, their response will indicate brokenness
and humility.
Janis Abrahms Spring provides a list of intense and contradictory
feelings that fairly describes the ambivalence of the unfaithful
spouse:
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Relief—"I'm
tired of lying about all this and wondering when I'd be discovered."
Impatience—"I said I was sorry and gave her up; what more do
you want from me?" |
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Chronic
Anxiety—"If I just keep busy I'll be okay." |
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Justified Anger—"I'm doing what I want to do, and it feels right."
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Absence
of Guilt—"I did what I did and that's that." |
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Isolation—"No
one's there for me" |
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Hopelessness—"There's
no way this relationship will ever work." |
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Paralysis—"I
feel torn. I don't know what to do." |
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Self-disgust—"I'm
such a fool. Why did I jeopardize all that I love?" |
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The unfaithful spouse may also
experience guilt over hurting the children and grief over the loss
of a lover.
After an affair is exposed, marital partners need to take personal
responsibility for seeking help to wade through the quagmire of
feelings and necessary decisions that must be made so they can make
progress in their healing journey. It is virtually impossible for
individuals to work through all these issues on their own. They
need a counselor or pastor with training and experience to help
them sort through and resolve these issues. They desperately need
the emotional support and prayerful involvement of friends, family,
and the church community if they are going to take on the task of
rebuilding.
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Managing Editor:Dean Ohlman
Cover Photo: Terry Bidgood
©2000
RBC Ministries —Grand Rapids, MI 49555 Printed in USA
Used with permission.
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