What Fuels an Affair?

Affairs are primarily matters of the heart. While external factors do tempt, entice, and entrap, in the end it is the heart that determines the path one chooses. The biblical

story of Joseph and Potiphar's wife illustrates this (Gen. 39). That's why the writer of Proverbs warned his young apprentice in wisdom, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Prov. 4:23).

But one cannot guard what one does not know. Most people don't understand the underlying, deep desires of the heart that they are unwittingly trying to satisfy with physical or emotional pleasure. While much time and energy are consumed with the concerns of daily living, little or no time is spent on exploring and understanding the longings, hopes, and dreams of the heart.

The explosion of passion that erupts in an affair often feels bigger than life because it taps into the desires of the heart that have never really been examined or understood. That's what happened with Mike. By not understanding the deep spiritual desires that could have helped him renew a healthy passion for his wife, he allowed himself to be enticed and captured by Vicki's attention and affection.

To understand why anyone can be vulnerable to good, God-given longings gone astray, we must understand that in every heart is hunger, pain, and folly.

Hungry Hearts. We all long for something more than the relationships we have been given. Something deep inside yearns to be caught up in a romantic love affair of epic proportions. That's why romance is the universal theme of every good story, including the story of the Bible. We've been built for a sacred romance with the Lover of our souls (Isa. 62:5; Eph. 5:25-32).

G. K. Chesterton remarked, "The man who knocks on the door of the brothel is looking for God."1 The danger, intrigue, mystery, and madness of an illicit affair promises to satisfy a hunger that in reality can be satisfied only in God. When this underlying spiritual longing is not understood, our unsatisfied hunger fuels the recklessness that can propel us into an affair, and the painful disappointments of our relationships seem to justify it.

A Craving For Romance. Romance is far more than the emotional fireworks and infatuation that get a relationship started. Romance involves passionate pursuit. We crave to be pursued by someone who fully knows and delights in us. What we often fail to realize, however, is that the wonder of romance between a husband and wife is meant not only to deepen the enjoyment of one another, but also to arouse in the heart a deeper understanding of our Creator's love for us. A loving spouse can mirror the romantic pursuit of our loving God. Many spouses have enjoyed a taste of God's delight in them through the sparkle in the eye of their mate.

When we don't pursue God to meet our deepest longings, we choose others to substitute for Him. Often a spouse is "set up" by being expected to satisfy our deepest hunger. When a spouse falls short (as all will), our hunger for the divine romance can be reduced to a mere physical craving for sexual gratification that our hedonistic, self-indulgent society endorses.

A Yearning For Connection. We all long to belong. God built us for connection with Himself and others. Jesus prayed that we would enjoy the oneness that He enjoyed with His Father (Jn. 17:21). Oneness is to be reflected in the physical and emotional intimacy in marriage (Gen. 2:24).

If we don't pay attention to our hearts, however, we will settle for the outward trappings of connection with our spouses without enjoying the inner oneness God intended. If we fail to cultivate an intimate relationship with God, our marriage will be reduced to a relationship of selfish convenience without meaningful connection. Eventually we will look for satisfaction of our hunger elsewhere.

Hurting Hearts. Our most significant pain often comes in the form of disappointment and betrayal in the context of our hunger for love, acceptance, and belonging. We all carry into our marriages emotional pain that may have come from past troubled relationships or from their failure to provide us with genuine love.

Our vision of marriage is often clouded with the unrealistic expectation that our spouse will finally satisfy our hunger for romance and connection. While a loving, faithful spouse can provide a delightful taste of genuine intimacy, no spouse can compensate for the other's lack of intimacy with God.

Mourning The Loss Of Romance. All spouses must face disappointment in their marriages. No marriage escapes because no spouse's love is flawless, nor can it satisfy our hunger for the divine romance. If we don't face disappointment and allow it to drive us back to God, we not only lose our romance with Him, we also sabotage a healthy delight in our marriage partner. Instead of pursuing our spouse, we blame him or her for our pain. Rather than mourning the loss of romance in our relationship with God and with our spouse, we subtly use our hurt to justify seeking emotional and physical comfort in the arms of another lover.

Aching From The Lack Of Connection. When we don't feel connected, we feel distant. Instead of oneness, we feel separate and alone in a relationship that feels hostile, not healing.

When we feel a lack of connection in marriage, disillusionment soon follows. We end up just going through the motions because "our heart isn't in it." We reduce our expectations and live by the "shoulds" but not from deep desire.

Even good marriages are disappointing, difficult, and demanding. They don't satisfy our deepest longings, nor are they as pain-free as we had hoped. Instead, they are complicated and require constant maintenance.

The allure of an affair appeals to the longing for a perfect relationship that satisfies our hunger, inflicts no pain, and makes no demands. The mournful lyric "It's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along" is the theme song for many unfaithful spouses. The hope is that maybe the next one will satisfy the hunger for love and salve the hurts.

In reality, the pursuit of an affair to deal with one's hungry and hurting heart is a foolish attempt to push one's way back into Eden.

Foolish Hearts. The natural inclination of every human heart is toward foolishness. Proverbs 22:15 reminds us of our roots: "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child." No one learns foolishness. It's part of what we inherited from Adam and Eve. Instead of taking our hunger and hurt to God, we rebel and try handling it on our own in one of the following ways:

Giving Up On Romance. Rather than feel the gnawing ache of our hunger, we deny our need for romance and connection by calling it a foolish dream. Losing hope of ever having a deeper romance with our spouse indicates that we've abandoned our calling to love our spouse the way God does. It also indicates that we've abandoned our longing to be romanced by God. We become the "half-hearted creatures" that C. S. Lewis describes as "fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."2

Selling Out To False Connection. The best counterfeit to true intimacy is the false intimacy that sexual indulgence provides. Forbidden sex gives an immediate and artificial sense of being "alive" when in reality it deadens the heart.

People who get involved in affairs are deceived by their sinful, foolish hearts and refuse to remember God. It is impossible to enjoy an affair and remain in close fellowship with Him. They must say in essence, "Get out of my life, God. I can't enjoy this new relationship in the presence of Your holiness and righteousness."

Every affair is a running away from God. But there's a bizarre twist. By the very act of running from God and exchanging His truth for a lie, unfaithful mates are tormented by the lingering consequences of their sin (Isa. 50:10-11). They also forget that God is a jealous lover who will use even their foolishness to arouse their hunger for Him. God's intent is to draw every heart back to His table, where He will satisfy them with a taste of His own presence (Dt. 8:3).

When an affair is finally exposed, both spouses must embark on a perilous journey. Trina's journey began when she refused to suffer alone. She left Vicki's apartment and called a trusted friend. They called their small-group leader from church. He contacted another elder, and the two men were waiting with Trina for Mike when he came home after work. The journey had begun.

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Managing Editor:Dean Ohlman
Cover Photo: Terry Bidgood

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Used with permission.