How Unfaithful Spouses
Explain Affairs
Most people who are caught up in an affair fail to give their spouses
an honest or adequate answer for their behavior. Instead, they hide
the motives of their hearts and look for ways to defend their actions.
Many shift the blame by citing deficiencies in
their spouse. Others hide and detach by saying, "This
isn't about you. You're wonderful. This is about me." Both responses
leave wounded spouses either stunned by a barrage of blaming tactics
or floundering alone with nothing to do because "this isn't about
them." Many are left with lots of questions and few answers.
The rationalization of an unfaithful spouse is often, "If you only
knew what I had to put up with at home, you'd understand why I had
to look elsewhere. I was dying with her. No one should have to live
like that."
While sex is involved in most affairs, many people report that they
don't have affairs merely for sex. Some do, of course; but many
claim, "I just didn't feel connected with my spouse anymore. I felt
unappreciated, bored, unfulfilled, and discontent." Many a wife
has justified her affair by revealing to her husband, "You don't
make me happy anymore. You pay more attention to your job, sports,
and TV than to me. You weren't there for me when I needed you. You
pushed me into his arms."
No matter what the rationale, in the end many unfaithful spouses
are seduced into believing the myth of the "greener grass." Proverbs
6:32-33 reminds us that the person who commits adultery lacks judgment,
destroys himself, and faces an avalanche of shame. Shifting the
blame is the usual tactic for dealing with shame. But regardless
of what has gone on in the relationship prior to the affair, no
spouse is responsible for the unfaithful partner's lack of judgment
and choice to be unfaithful.
Because unfaithful spouses are unlikely to reveal what is really
happening inside, every betrayed husband or wife is left with the
nagging question "Why?" "What caused my spouse to cross the line
and have an affair? Was it him/her? Or was it me?"
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Managing Editor:Dean Ohlman
Cover Photo: Terry Bidgood
©2000
RBC Ministries —Grand Rapids, MI 49555 Printed in USA
Used with permission.
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