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What is an Affair?
All affairs violate trust and involve unfaithfulness. They fall
into two major categories: affairs involving physical contact and
affairs involving emotional intimacy.
Physical Affairs. These consist of varying degrees of physical
and sexual contact between a married person and someone other than
his or her spouse. These affairs fall into two categories: overt
sexual and covert physical contacts.
1. Sexual contact. An affair can be defined as a sexual relationship
with someone other than one's spouse, which violates the marriage
covenant. The unfaithfulness may involve sexual intercourse, whether
in a "one-night stand" or as part of a long-term emotional entanglement.
But complete sexual union is not necessary for it to be
considered a sexual affair. An illicit relationship
may also occur through any form of intimate physical contact intended
to stimulate and enjoy sexual arousal with someone other than one's
spouse, even if it doesn't result in intercourse.
2. Physical contact. This affair involves an inappropriate
display of physical touch or sexualized affection that breaches
the healthy boundaries of a brother/sister relationship. Depending
on the intent of the heart, this form of covert touching would include,
but not be limited to, a lingering hug, a kiss on the cheek, a touch
on the arm or leg, holding hands, or brushing against someone in
playful ways that indicate more than a casual interest or concern
for the well-being of the other person. Because the level and kind
of touch is not overtly sexual, and because the real betrayal is
an unfaithful intent of the heart, these visible indicators are
sometimes difficult to interpret.
Emotional Affairs. These also violate the exclusivity of
the relational bond of marriage. When married people invest time,
money, conversation, and emotional energy that should be reserved
for their mates, they are guilty of breaking the union with their
spouses that God intended (Gen. 2:24). This would include such things
as sending flowers, letters, cards, or e-mails to a non-spouse.
Intimate dinners alone, conversations, and phone calls involving
personal and emotionally sensitive content while under the guise
of "friendship" are also included. In essence, any emotional attachment
to someone else that is normally reserved for one's spouse breaches
the exclusivity of the marital bond.
Emotional affairs may be easier to detect than physical affairs
because inappropriate interactions can be seen. But they can be
more difficult to prove because hearts and motives are hidden.
Given the different categories of affairs, some may question whether
or not an emotional affair is adulterous. Jesus made it clear, however,
that adultery is as much a betrayal of the heart as of the body
(Mt. 5:27-28). He taught that anyone who looks lustfully at another
person is guilty of adultery in his or her heart, even if the act
is not consummated with sexual behavior.
On the other hand, while not minimizing an emotional affair, Jesus
said that when a spouse steps over the line and turns adulterous
thoughts into a physical affair, the betrayal is so grievous that
it gives the wounded spouse legitimate grounds for divorce (Mt.
5:31-32). Paul made it equally plain that sexual immorality is a
unique kind of sin that carries with it severe consequences (1 Cor.
6:18). Although God's original intent was for permanency in marriage,
the hardheartedness and sexual betrayal of an unfaithful spouse
moves the heart of a wise and loving God to allow an offended spouse
the protection of a divorce (Mt. 19:8-9).
Thus, while there is a form of adultery of the heart that can devastate
a marriage, the wound of sexual adultery is such a complete betrayal
that God grants the faithful spouse the freedom to divorce because
the exclusive "one flesh" covenant has been violated.
That being the case, why would so many who say they fear and love
God risk losing so much for so little? Why would they ignore the
ancient wisdom of Proverbs? "Can a man scoop fire into his lap without
his clothes being burned? . . . a man [or woman] who commits adultery
lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself" (Prov. 6:27,32).
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Managing Editor:Dean Ohlman
Cover Photo: Terry Bidgood
©2000
RBC Ministries —Grand Rapids, MI 49555 Printed in USA
Used with permission.
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