Words of Encouragement?

Unconditional · Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2005 4:52 pm Post subject: Words of Encouragement?

Friends,

Well, right now, I am in an emotional state where I do not know what to do or what to think. I suppose I am looking for words of encouragement and words of comfort.

Without going into alot of detail, my current situation is that my wife filed for divorce from me in mid-September. Her reasons for leaving are that she is and never was attracted to me to begin our relationship. I feel otherwise, but that is where she is in her stand for divorce. She wants "someone who makes her heart skip". She says she went along with the marriage because everything was felt "right" and everyone approved.

So after almost 5 years of marriage here I am alone - praying, waiting, crying, etc. You know, the roller-coaster of emotions. My wife has moved in with her parents and has found work to pay her bills.

This Friday is our wedding anniversary and we are going to go out to a dinner and watch A Christmas Carol. Understandably, the situation is awkward. She calls me, she has come visited with me at my father's. We have gone to the movies several times and had dinner together. I am quite confused. She says she doesnt want to be with me, yet she does not want to sever ties.

I have asked her where she stands on the whole divorce situation, since we have a court date in January and she said she does not know. She only asked for space right now, and I have given her space. I am trying to be as obedient to God's word as I can but my mind is searching for answers. I feel as though I am in a void of things being positive and things being negative... she hasn't left completely, yet she doesnt want to be with me.

I have been going through a book with a pastor and I have been praying desperately and pleading for God to restore my marriage. At the moment I am lost. I simply do not know what to think. My wife still has 60% of of her possessions in our house. She moved a family "heirloom" table out and back again, and said i can go ahead and use it. So I am completely confused. Perhaps even more than my wife is.

This pastor/friend has been listening and helping me through this, and we both believe that God is doing a mighty work in this all. We have both seen the Lord's powerful hand in many things so far... but with my anniversary coming up I am feeling discouraged.

I am seeking the Lord, perhaps wishing He would hurry and finish His task, but I know that it is my flesh wanting to have things my way, right now.

Please pray for me. I know that patience, understanding (which is hard to come by), and obedience are what I need right now. I am consumed by my impatience. I know this is all in God's hands. Thanks for listening, many of you have great words of wisdom and draw it all from the Word. I look forward to hearing from you.

-Unconditional

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2136 Location: Chicago

Thanks for posting and for pouring out your heart. It is good to know what is going on as it helps for those here to pray very specifically for your needs.

Here's what I ask of God when praying, because I have come to believe and know that He simply loves the details of our lives. We pray for the BIG things, but fail to recognize all the little prayers He answers. And, HE JUST LOVES, to answer the little prayers.

So, here it goes - ask this of God.
1) Lord, I pray that my wife's eyes are changed to recognize I am the sexiest man there is for her.
2) Lord, I pray that you restore her passion for me
3) Lord, I pray that I have patience to wait
4) Lord, I ask for my anxiousness to be removed from my heart
5) Lord, I have to leave this in your hands and trust the outcome
6) Lord, I lift up my marriage to you and ask for restoration and love and growth in my marriage that surpasses anything we have felt for each other before.
7) Lord, I ask for you to restore her desire to come home again
Cool

Lord, I ask for you to take away the doubt in her mind and heart about our marriage
9) Lord, convict my wife's heart to be willing to attend a marriage seminar with me.

If you want to watch an amazing God, journal these prayers and watch God do His amazing work!! Until I started journaling this past year, I never realized how much God answered my prayers.

If you can get her to meet for counseling with a Christian pastor, wonderful. Or, consider outside Christian counseling. There are some wonderful seminars throughout the country that you may want consider taking her to -
http://www.growthtrac.com/events/

In the meantime, if you have the chance, pickup "Every Man's Marriage" by Stephen Arterburn. I believe it will give you some amazing insight into the mind of your wife.

Unconditional · Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2005 5:52 pm Post subject:

Sam,

Thank you. I will look into getting that book. People do have me reading alot of books though. It doesnt hurt to read, but all of these different angles and what not... I am in the final chapters of When Godly People Do Ungodly Things. I just finished Understanding the Mind of a Woman (which I feel is a great resource for broken marriages and wounded spirits). I see my failures written into the book (figuratively speaking). And I am looking at getting the Dobson book Love Must be Tough.

I am journaling off and on, but not on a consistent basis. The big things that God has done so far have been quite amazing and I am thankful for that... and you are correct in that I am overlooking the small things that He does day in and day out. He has been faithful and true. Honestly, I can testify that the Lord has answered basically every specific prayer that I have asked for and that is where I am finding my faith... He hasn't let me down once. Funny to say, even in asking for a parking space to open up in a crowded parking lot... He alway's comes through. How awesome is that?

But beyond that. I am realizing that I am letting the thoughts of projection consume me and I am not allowing God to take over. I need to look to the Word and seek comfort in that. I also realize there is nothing that I can do to change my wife's heart except pray that God can reveal something miraculous to her. Many want her to break... perhaps that is what needs to happen. I am already broken and I have been showered with love from God, so I feel I know what true love is. I only pray my wife can understand, accept, and realize that like the love Jesus has for us, I have that for her. Pray. Pray. Pray. That's all I can do.

Thanks for your encouragement and glory to God.

newcreation · Junior Member Joined: 31 Aug 2005 Posts: 25

I urge you to see if your wife would be willing to go to a weekend marriage retreat with you. My wife and I attended "A New Beginning" by Family Dynamics last weekend in San Antonio.

http://www.familydynamics.net/seminarschedule.htm

I went in just hoping for some improvement in our marriage, but God in His goodness gave us a miracle. My wife and I had been separated for 2 months and she was having an affair. We were on the road to divorce. I asked my wife to go to this seminar with me and she said yes at first, then no, then yes again after some begging and lots of praying. We are now living together again and she tells me she loves me every day.

The seminar was great and I'm sure God used it to begin the healing, but it was the prayers of so many that really brought her home. I urge you to ask every believer you know to pray for your marriage. There are many wonderful prayer sites on the net and I utilized them all. I also asked friends around the country to add my family to the prayer lists at their churches. Also, be in constant prayer for your wife and pray specifically as SAM stated above. Ask God to break her heart and reform it in His love and to heal all wounds caused by you and others. Ask for her to know peace and joy and to have clarity of thought. Ask God to wrap His loving arms around her and to draw her close to Him and deepen her faith to be centered in His will. Ask that she be able to see you as God does - a valuable, loving, devoted, Christ-centered man.

I also think it was seminal in our situation when I finally surrendered my marriage to Him and asked to make His will for ME known and let Him work on her. When I did that, God put on my heart to love my wife no matter what she did or had done. I prayed that I would be a reflection of Christ's love for her and that only the Fruits of the Spirit would be displayed in me. It's amazing how people are drawn to you when they feel the love of God emanating from you. The Bible says to love your wife as Christ loves the church - period. It doesn't say do it only if she lives with you, or if she's nice, or if she's submitting to you. It gives no conditions for this love, only to love her. When you let go of the notion that YOU can effect change in her you begin to focus on your relationship with God and really live for Him. I know you think about her constantly, but turn those thoughts into prayers for her. Satan wants your marriage to fail and you have to do battle to fend him off. Pray for your wife's protection from the lies of the evil one.

The seminar we attended was wonderful in that it provided a setting for God to move in my wife's heart. It was a time to focus on just our relationship and we experienced wonderful healing and a real strategy for changing the dynamic of our marriage. Do whatever you have to to get her to go. Contact Family Dynamics and they will send you some great info on how to get her there. I will be praying for you.

NC

AmazingGrace · Newbie Joined: 16 Dec 2005 Posts: 1

I stumbled upon this site and read your story and wanted to share mine with you. This is the only thing that I can say to encourage you because I have been were you are and the books and the advice tend to become too much at times.

My Story:
On a November 6th, a beautiful Sunday afternoon, after church my husband sat down in a chair in our living room with this sick look on his face. I ask him what was going on and he began to tell me that he had cheated on my in the first year of our marriage and that he didn't love me anymore. When he thought of me he was numb and empty and he didn't see us together in the future. Needless to say I was in a state of shock. We have a one year old daughter, our lives were going good and there wasn't anything to suggest this was coming.
I begged him to go to counseling and to work with me on our marriage but he said he just didn't feel like it. Later that day I found some emails from a girl he worked with, that suggested they had feelings for each other. I confronted him but he said they were just friends.
We lived in the same house for the next week and were even intimate but the following week I saw phone logs from her and confronted him and he decided to move out.
Over the course of the next month he dated this girl, only contacting me regarding our daughter and that was only once a week.
Let me tell you I prayed so hard my brain hurt and I cried every tear I had. Until the week after Thanksgiving and I turned it over to God. Don't get me wrong before I thought I had let him have the situation but I was still trying to carry my burden while God carried me, instead of taking it off and giving it to him. My point being I was going crazy trying to figure out my situation, my husband, what had gone wrong, what I could do to fix it etc...
I finally said Lord I realize I haven't had the faith that should have. I know you have taken care of me in the past but I am not fully letting you have this situation, please take it from me and give me peace and rest. That is exactly what he did. Now that isn't to say that I didn't think on the situation after that, but when it crossed my mind and the worry started I just closed my eyes and said Lord I am weak take this thought from me.
My husband called me on December 4th and ask me if he could come home and work through this. God truly is amazing. I had to listen to people tell me, once a cheater always a cheater, he isn't good for you, he will hurt you again, blah blah blah...the truth is God will see me through whatever situation I face. In times of struggle it is easy to try to fix our own situation but truly when you are up against the Devil and the sins of this world you can't fight that battle.
I also believe in the power of "corporate prayer." The ladies of my church lifted me and my marriage up to the Lord and for them I will forever be thankful!
The most important lesson I learned from this situation is this:
The world is not my home and as much as I love my husband there are more important things for me to be doing in this life. God's work is what we are on this earth for. So as you pray for your wife's return, pray that God will show you his work for you to be doing in this life. When we make it about Jesus then we can't go wrong, and He will give us everything we need to survive!
So I pray for God's will in this situation and your peace and comfort to handle whatever decision your wife makes. Oh and start making some decisions of your own. Feeling empowered and in control and being empowered and in control is a quality that attracts people and is what will begin to heal your your broken spirit.
The Dobson book is so encouraging and an easy easy read. I recommend you try it.

Unconditional · Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 4:21 pm Post subject:

Thanks for sharing AmazingGrace. That is truly inspiring. Praise God for what He is doing in your life. He is awesome.

Like you say in your response, this is truly a test of faith. At times, I am completely certain God will restore our marriage... then at times I feel as though I am getting allowing my hopes to get the best of me... and that I will be hurt and let down. But then again... Hebrews 11:1 sums it all up, right?

Although I can relate somewhat to what you have written, I feel as though I am in a peculiar position (but its happened to so many people before) in that there is no adultery involved in this. My wife has simply said she is not attracted to me. No other reasons. Upon looking closer at the marriage, I did fail in many aspects such as building her spirit, tending to many of her emotional needs, etc. And to many people our marriage would be considered "okay". We didnt fight much, no phyiscal or verbal abuse. It was more as though we were roommates. And I take the responsibility for where we are at, even though it is her decision to leave.

The books and all have been helpful. I thumbed through the Love must be tough and took alot from it, but I felt as though it was off the track in my situation. So I decided to get Every Man's marriage. So far I can relate to it and am taking much to heart.

So I see where this is all leading... prayer and patience as usual. When this all happened in September, I was confused and desperate. I cried out to God and He comforted me. Off and on I lose that comfort. I know it is my flesh trying to take control. The fear of the unknown is where I am at, and I know prayer is the only answer to feel at ease. Its just tough. I have friends and family and I do have alot of people praying for God's miracle... but I guess for myself since I am in the center of it (my wife not appearing to have any problem what so ever) I'm just out in a field alone praying to God and waiting. Its lonely, but I know I have to go through it.

I give praise to God for all the miracles He's done so far in this. He is awesome. My prayer is to be have faith and also be faithful to Him and his promises. Thanks for everyone's encouragement.

By the way, our wedding anniversary "celebration" went off without a hitch. My wife was surprised by the horseback riding and was appreciative of that. She said thanks and that was it. Just another night for her I guess. But I was blessed to be able to spend the time with her.

-Unconditional

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2136 Location: Chicago

When a wife has made an emotional exit from the marriage, it is a really long road back because everything we do, everything we feel, everything we think as a woman is tied to our emotions and wiring. I got to the point of being tired, worn out and empty and there was nothing left to give back to my husband.

My husband had to show me over and over and over again how committed he was to building a God centered, God honoring marriage. A marriage where he was willing to put all he could into growing and loving God and becoming the head of our home. It took time and investment, something we don't often want to be committed to in our marriages. It took almost five years to get back to a place where I could honestly, with all my heart and soul, say I loved my husband again. God has been good and has blessed our marriage beyond our wildest dreams, but it took both of us being faithful to what God designed our marriage to be.

Unconditional · Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 5:43 pm Post subject:

Sam,
I see where're coming from. And after finishing Discovering the Mind of A Woman and after starting to read Every Man's Marriage, I see the "wounded spirit" concept and I understand how much I played the part in wounding my wife's spirit. And to read that it took you 5 years to get back to the place where you could fully love your husband opens my eyes to what I am in for.

I feel as though it is a "test" from my wife. Over time I am going to have to show her how I am changing and how God is changing me. I have made efforts to minister to her saying that I am not going to change and that God is the only one that is going to change me and our marriage. I suppose she is waiting to see the long-term change... not the immediate "I'm desperate for you so I'll change" change. Which really, I am not desperate for her - I am simply committed to the relationship that God has created and I want to honor her and God. So it's a test from her and a test from God. Both want to see how committed, how faithful, and how much more Christlike I will become. Honestly, I don't know how much I have changed. I know that I am more sensitive to the needs of others and I can honestly say I have felt the unconditional love of God, but in other aspects... I don't know. I haven't had the chance to prove myself. Or perhaps, I am proving myself on some level and others notice it, I just havent.

So taking what you have written... I guess I'm in for a looooong journey. I see the light... as far as it may be, I still see the light. Thanks SAM.

-Unconditional

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2136 Location: Chicago

It's a test of trust. Can I trust this man for the long term? Can I believe that these changes are being made from the heart and not just to try and win me back? That is where time is a factor and starting your dating relationship all over again is necessary. I will pray for God to provide you with the patience you will need.

We become complacent sometimes. We do all these things to woo our mate to the point they agree to marry us. Once we have won them over and walk down the aisle, the wooing stops. It should actually continue with more intention than before marriage.

Unconditional · Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 12:51 pm Post subject: Any scripture for where I am at?

Hello friends. Its been a while since I last posted and I am coming back with a request for some scripture to get through what I'm going through right now.

Its been about a month since I last talked to my wife. I've tried to communicate with her, asking her how she's doing and trying to be somewhat available for her. She is still living with her parents and working as a waitress in her hometown, about 2 hours away. Her reponses to me are brief and without feeling (via email). We've seemingly drifted apart... and for some reason it is because she has "wanted her space". I've granted that wish which may be backfiring in some sense because I feel in some sense the distance that is growing between us... not only from her end but mine as well.

So, during the time since I havent talked to her (about a month), I have been moving forward in my life... joined a fitness club to improve health, release some stress etc., continuing to pray, continuing to go to church and small group. My prayers have been for my wife's heart to change and for the redemption of our marriage. I continue to "stay the course" and wait on God and his miracle. In a sense, I've been doing the "right" things to occupy myself and channel my energy to not think about the situation.

Over the last few days though I have had an overwhelming loneliness and emptiness. I've talked with the pastor who is mentoring/counseling/praying with me and have told him that I think my heart is becoming hardened toward my wife. He believes its a natural reaction... to get away from the "stress". I see where he is coming from but I also feel as though I am running from the reality of the situation. I also feel as though I have been neglecting God in taking on these other activities such as going to the gym and working harder. I've made positive improvements, but I feel as though they are simply another stab at trying to take control from God's hands or rather not caring about the situation. Does that make sense?

I'm not looking for anyone else now, nor will I be. As I look around at people and their situations in seeking a partner and how lonely people are, yet are unwilling to humbe themselves and love and be loved it hurts me. I guess I am empathizing with the lonely people out there who are searching... while I know that I can only sit and wait on the Lord for whatever is going to come of this.

Coming this Tuesday, there is minor court session to direct us in how we are going to finish off the divorce (if we are going through with it). I'm not really stressed about that. There has been no communication regarding the divorce between me and my wife, which is good in a sense. But it still doesn't answer the question as to what is going to happen.

As usual the answer is patience and prayer. I need to do a whole lot praying now... but I was curious if there is any scripture to get through this time of confusion and loneliness? I appreciate it.

God bless you all and thanks for your time.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2136 Location: Chicago

Thanks for posting and letting us know how things are going. Have you considered going to your wife, or as you stand in court, telling her this is not want I want for us? When we promised this would be for life, I meant it!!

Can you give me a few more specifics on what category of scripture you are searching for?

I'll take a stab at loneliness -

Psalm 102:7
Psalm 25:16
Psalm 142:1
Psalm 68:5-6
Deuteronomy 31:6
John 15:4
Psalm 38:9-15
Hebrews 13:5

Hope that helps somewhat with regard to that topic. Also, I would pray for God to protect your heart, your mind and your eyes right now against influences by the Evil One because you are very vulnerable to attack.

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Ask your pastor to pray for you and if you have a prayer team or elder board at your church ask them to pray as well. You mentioned you are part of a small group - ask them to pray too. Cover yourself in prayer. Ask those who are praying to keep your heart softened toward your wife and that you can love her in the same manner Jesus does. That is a key element - continuing to love her as Christ does. It's rather difficult for a heart to grow cold and hard if the focus is on Christ's love.

Unconditional · Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 3:54 pm Post subject:

Thanks Sam. Your words are always encouraging and lead me to God's truth.

I read over the scripture you gave me and I have been reflecting on it. Last night I began another men's group going over the book The Exemplary Husband. Its a companion to The Excellent Wife, which I hear my wife is going through with her sister. From here it seems a bit odd that she is going through that book (for the second time) yet is walking away from the marriage. A small, but weird blessing.

The men's group was great and I was able to set myself right with my focus on God and his word, but I still feel a loneliness in my heart for my wife. I'm fighting the thoughts of hope that our marriage is over as I look at all the stories of redemption through all of the posts. God is good and God is so amazing.

I am having a difficult time seeing the hope in my situation. It almost seems as though I am in a different situation than most. The fact that my wife says that she is unattracted to me and that she was miserable for 5 years of our marriage is ultimately confusing to me. And I don't think that there is any means of understanding her train of thought. She is seeking someone who will fulfill her... but as I see other people searching for that Mr. Right or Mrs. Right... I only see desperate people with a particular expectation already set in their mind without compromise and thus they end up missing out on something special. And I don't want my wife to end up on an empty trail of loneliness. But what else can I do?

In redirecting my attention towards more "positive" activities, I feel as though I have lost her completely. Now I don't even get a response from her. God has been nudging me to move forward and continue to do what I am doing but at what cost? I stopped communication with her and now I have lost it completely. It's all so confusing and I know we can never understand God's ways... but He really is taking me for a loop! I mean, I feel as though I have given the situation up to God but then I feel as though I don't care. Maybe because I have not been praying about the situation as intensely as I was before... its just been fading away (as I self-evaluate myself).

But all in all I am rambling. I truly see that I need to seek God and ask for some way to win my wife's heart back. She is gung-ho on the divorce but feels bad that she does not have biblical grounds for it. Yet, she feels her "misery" is more than she can bare and that it is not "fixable". ????? Only God and time will tell.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2136 Location: Chicago

Have you considered counseling for yourself? I would highly recommend it.

Even as Christians we can justify ourselves right out of a marriage even if there are no biblical grounds for a divorce. Unfortunately, Christian marriages are failing at the same rate as secular.

What does that say to us? There is no effort to work on the hard stuff or making the time investment to restore brokeness. There is still a focus on blaming our spouse for the circumstances and failing to look at a broken/hardened heart (or own). When a heart is hard, Christ cannot dwell in it.

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