Wife's Past

wpscooter · Newbie Joined: 03 Oct 2006 Posts: 11

I am having difficulties posting, so I am not for sure if this posted more than once. I have and alway have had issues dealing with my wife's sexual past. I need help.

webacus · Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 9:24 pm Post subject:

Welcome.
Can you elaborate a bit?

wpscooter · Newbie Joined: 03 Oct 2006 Posts: 11

I have been married for over 17 years. I got married at 19. My wife, girlfriend at that time, was pregnant. We got married. We were freshmen in college, and she was my first serious girlfriend. I was a virgin and very naive, being raised in a small town and sheltered. My wife was just the opposite. She had had sex when she was 15 and had several sexual partners. I was totally blinded and mesmerized with the relationship. She told me about much of her past before we were married, or at least a small glimpse of her past partners. At that time, I was so lost in lust for her that I really did not understand what it all meant. I also was not saved at the time and had never really been taught anything about sexual purity. As I matured and realized what a relationship is suppose to be, I have realized what our relationship is missing. I have learned new aspects to her past as she has let things slip. Things that really bother me, such as she slept with her best friend's boyfriend, she had several one night stands, slept with more than one guy during the same time period, and cheated on me while we were dating. All these issues point to the same thing that I have a problem with, and that is I don't believe someone who so freely let other guys have her can have a sacred sexual relationship with me. In fact, our sex life suffers more and more as time goes by. I sort of feel cheated that she withholds from me so much of the time that which she gave away so freely to other guys who seemingly meant so little to her. I feel as though I am selfish sometimes, because she says I should just get over it and it is in the past. Yet, that seems easy for the person with the past to say that to the person who is hurting. I feel like I am paying for her past.

Please help!

webacus · Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 10:00 pm Post subject:

Thanks.

So, just to be clear, you are bothered
by your wife's behavior over 17 years ago,
prior to you getting married?

Throughout your marriage, have any sexual
issues (adultery, pornography, addiction) surfaced?

wpscooter · Newbie Joined: 03 Oct 2006 Posts: 11

I don't think she has any issues such as porn, etc. I have always has an issue with her past. It didn't just start now. Our relationship just seems to have gotten worse. She did fool around at least once since we were married. She said she did not have intercourse, but did many other things such as groping and kissing. I just feel like sex is something that is suppose to be sacred and it seems as it meant nothing to her then or now. It is that then she just freely gave it away and now she doesn't care for it anymore.

webacus · Posted: Tue Oct 03, 2006 10:15 pm Post subject:

Have either of you tried counseling?

I think that is definately a next step for you.

wpscooter · Newbie Joined: 03 Oct 2006 Posts: 11

I actually have a counseling session set up for next week. Mainly I want to deal with me at this point and how to work out my feelings. I get confused, because I do not want to lose my family, yet I am miseable at this point. I just do not know what to do.

thanks for the help and for listening

webacus · Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 6:30 am Post subject:

Excellent.

You need help understanding and processing
those feelings. Seventeen years is a long time to
be stuck on the past-- you need to get on with life.

Perhaps at some point in this process, you and
your wife can get counsel together.

Good luck to you and stay in touch.

findingtheway · Full Member Joined: 28 Nov 2005 Posts: 150

wpscooter, Wow when I read your story it could have been my story other than it was my H who was like your wife. We have been married for 16 yrs and I struggle with his past as well. Like you it bothered me when we were dating however my H was not a Christian when we met (I was and had been all my life) and he became one while dating. My H has had several sexual partners but he has never been open about it, mainly because I was young & didn't really know what to ask. I asked some questions when we were dating (met when I was 16 he was 1 Cool

but he was very vague and always led me to believe it wasn't that bad. He says that he knew how I felt about it and knew the truth would have hurt me and feared I wouldn't stay with him. That should have been my choice then. I never really knew how many partners he had, some how he avoided the question & I don't know why I never pursued it. I was a virgin as well when we me & we didn't become sexually active until about 1 yr into our relationship (I know that was wrong, we became engaged). Although I don't have proof and he denies it I do believe he cheated on me as well when we were dating or at least did things he shouldn't have been while engaged. I know of a couple things. Again it has bothered me all these years that he could do these acts so freely with these people, people he hardly knew but some how I was able to somewhat put it behind us because he seemed to have changed and we had a good marriage and his parents weren't really there for him and he was an only child.
Well to today, about 4 mo. ago I finally found out he had a one night stand 10 months into our marriage, 15 yrs ago, I suspected it back then ONLY because he had pubic lice but he completely denied it and I took the couple drs that I called that it was a VERY slim chance he could have gotten it another way. There were no other signs, although I think I didn't fully believe him I went on and fully trusted him the last 15 yrs of our marriage, I asked him on several occassions through out our marriage if he did ever cheat on me during our marriage and he lied all these years, He has also done a couple inappropriate things during our marriage that I know of that are questionable, but I think he's telling me the truth now. We have since started Marriage counseling and I have learned a little more about his past & it is hurtful he claims he's had 7 partners. I learned more about his history with the girls he was with, barely knowing them, his first time. It is now VERY difficult for me and I have since finding out about the ONS 15 yrs ago that his past is very hard for me. There is so much I wish I would have asked back then. Like your wife my H says the past is the past I'm different now. but our MC said that after him cheated I will replay history.
Anyways I just wanted you to know that I understand totally how you are feeling and I don't have any advise for you just because I'm struggling with the same things but I hope that you get some advise or maybe share some of the things you learn. We are in MC and I also would like to do some individual counseling as well to help process all this. Sorry it's so long.

wpscooter · Newbie Joined: 03 Oct 2006 Posts: 11

Thanks for the reply. It is nice to have people who understand. It is so easy for people who have not been through this to just say forget the past. And it is even easier for the person with the past to tell the person without the past to just forget it. It seems as if we have to pay for their pasts. They don't have to deal with feeling of having to share their life partner with other people. God designed us to be with one person and we long for that. With our partners' past, we can not have that, even though they have it with us. I know we chose to marry this person, but as for me, I did not make that decision with God's guidance. I really want to save my marriage, that is the reason I am going to counseling. Yet, I really wished my wife would try to understand how I feel and stop getting so angry each time I ask anything- and just say I should let it go. What she did before she met me doesn't matter, yet the fact is it does affect our relationship. She had 15 partners, and 6 in about 6 months in college- 4 in a 4 week period. I did not know the details about this until after marriage. 2 of these partners were at the same time we were dating. Again I did not know this until later. She fooled around with a guy as I said earlier about 3 years into our marriage. She won't admit it, but I believe from what he told me, before he knew who I was, that they had sex. Even if not, I know there was touching and other issues. She says she has completely changed, and I now have no reason to believe she is doing anything. We just do not have the relationship we could, and it seems to get worse. I feel as though I am not as special to her, because she gave away so freely to so many guys that which was suppose to be mine. I have given her everything and never cheated. I hope this counseling helps. Thank you for your reply.

findingtheway · Full Member Joined: 28 Nov 2005 Posts: 150

wpscooter, I agree I feel that I'm paying for my H past. I have always felt there have been ghosts in my bedroom but those feelings have gotten so much worse after finding out about the ONS he had 15 yrs ago. It just makes me wonder what else he has done. I have never suspected anything over the years but the thoughts that there could have been more are petrifying. Like you I chose to marry my H without the guidance of God, I was a Christian but wasn't following in the Lord's path. I as well want to save my marriage and marriage counseling has helped us, but I also want to seek individual counseling to help me through his past. I don't regret necessarily marrying my H, I wish I would have asked more questions and I wish HE would have been more honest about his past so I could have dealth with it then, what I already knew about his past was hard for me back then but I was 16 yrs old it's hard to process that kind of stuff when you're that young. I know God can help heal us in time if we allow him to, and if our spouses are open to it as well. I know my H wants to save our marriage, but our situation goes a little further because of his lie for 15 yrs. Well thanks for your reply, it is nice to hear someone who understands.

Mishymu · Newbie Joined: 04 Sep 2006 Posts: 6

Ok, so you guys have been describing me.....BUT......after years and years of abuse and misguidance or no guidance at all, loss of Mother at 14, more abuse by Uncle, I was under the wrong assumption that to be loved I had to let them use me.Sex was just sex. I could take it or leave it, but somehow it seemed very important to those guys for some reason.I was basically numb during the actions of sex.It was a means to continue having a relationship:to continue to "feel loved".

I did not disclose all the crap until almost 10 years after we were married and my daughter was around 3. I did not want her anywhere near my Uncle.I almost lost my husband when I told him. This just validated my fears of why I never said anything before that.3 weeks later he was living with another woman. He had had numerous affairs on me before I ever said anything, but this time he actually left and lived with the other woman. For 4 months he went from our bed to her bed and back again over and over until I told him he either came home for good and became the husband/father he is supposed to be or I was filing divorce.

Fast Forward 12 years and here I still am. Do I still have a lot i never told him? You bet! Do you think that I am proud of who i was as a kid? No way! Do I want to be judged by who I used to be vesus who I am?Not on your life! Maybe your reactions or subtleties have told your partners that they cannot trust you to hear who they used to be with out condemning them. I am sorry, but who do you think you are? Do you not realise that in Gods eyes, SIN is SIN? Your little white lies that you have told your whole life are just as sinful as the sexual misconduct of your spouses! God doesnt place sin in categories, Man does! This is why he turned to the group who were stoning the harlot and told them that he who is without sin to cast the 1st stone. Sin is Sin. Period! No matter how much we as humans want to place it in categories of greater or lessor it is not humans that will be judging at that great day, it is God! Besides, if yor spouses have accepted Christ, their sin is forgiven, it is seperated as far as the east is from the west from them by GOD! So next time your flesh wants you to get down in the muck of their sin, just remember it is you who are placing the sin in a "greater than" category, not God.

On the day I said I DO, I DID! It was a personal vow that I took before God and have doggedly stuck by it. Have I had opportunity? Yes! Have I had worldly "reason" to? Yes! Have I succumbed ? No! Never! By the grace of God I will hold true to my vows that I took when I married him. If we end up divorced, I will still live my vow, because it was a vow not just to him, but to God and until he is dead I am his. Could your spouses have this bullheadedness to be able to make a vow and stick to it? I am thinking probably yes. The past IS past! Have you ever been in a car accident? If you were in the same situation today would you do the very same thing at the very same time that result in the accident again? NO! Hindsight is wonderful, but unfortunately a little too little too late. You are upset that you didn't find these things out till way late in the game, could it be that maybe your relationship had come far enough, that maybe your spouses felt they could trust you enough, to be the only ones they ever came clean to,besides God, that they would ever trust with their Whole selves? What have you dont with that trust besides condemn and show recrimation? This is your opportunity to shine! They trusted you enough! Please don't crap on that! It's very rare to have that much trust in someone to be able to bare all and share all.

cjbaldw · Posted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 2:32 pm Post subject: Re: Wife's Past elaboration

cjbaldw · Posted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 3:56 pm Post subject: Re: Past reply

Sunshine · Newbie Joined: 25 Nov 2006 Posts: 3

What she did before marrying is her business but what she's done since dating/marrying you is a whopper.No wonder you are struggling with this.
Das

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