Wife wants separation and possibly divorce.............help!

Mike1966 · Newbie Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 17

This is my first post to this forum. I'll try to be brief but want to provide enough background for a picture of where I'm at. I'm 40yrs old, married, 2 daughters 13 & 14yrs old.

This past week, my wife told me it's over and she doesn't love me anymore. I take full responsibility for her feelings.....................obviously hard to summarize the entire problem but suffice to say it has to do with my poor spiritual leadership in the home, neglecting in cherishing and loving my wife the way she needs to be loved, and lack of responsibility. We've had a somewhat firey marriage but there has been a lot of love..........or so I thought.

At first, I was in total despair.............obviously being a guy I wanted to "fix it", find out the problem and make the necessary changes. What God has shown me through this is that it has to do with my relationship to HIM, first and foremost. HE needs to be the one to sustain me, it can't be my wife. So, I am trying to focus on the spiritual change that needs to take place within myself, then, if my wife sees the positive change possibly she'll have the love for me again, who knows?

I would really like to hear from men or women on the forum who have "been there, done that" I"m really struggling.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

Mike1966 · Newbie Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 17

Thank you so much for your post and wisdom. In addition to putting God first, I want so much to be able to restore my marriage but realize that my wife will ultimately have to want it, too.

At present, she wants to separate and we are selling our house to be able to afford two apartments. She's already dividing up visitation times and even asked me today how much I thought a divorce would cost, as if she's already made up her mind.

Strange thing is, she's in the word daily and says she plans to stay attending the same church we now attend. She will go to the 1st service and I will go with the kids to the 2nd service.

We met with our pastor yesterday and she agreed with him on everything as I was mainly to blame, but, the only thing she wouldn't change her mind about was trying to stay together and work this through. Her mother offered to pay for an apartment for her but we talked it over and agreed to just live together until our house sells...............maybe that's not such a good idea?? Anytime I talk with her, if I bring up anything other than pure business about selling possessions or selling the house, she doesn't want to hear it and gets upset. Should I beg, borrow or steal a way for her to move out now before our house sells? I don't know how our budget could handle it.

The other thing I'm very concerned about is my kids. We have talked to them and they seem to be doing okay but I'm sure it's tearing them up. The thought of only seeing them a little less than 1/2 the time is almost more than I seem to be able to bear.

Thanks for any help or guidence you can provide.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2041 Location: Chicago

As for what you need to do, or not do regarding your home, I can't possibly provide advice regarding that.

I believe you need to sit down and ask God for his wisdom, guidance, patience and strength as many times a day as you need to. You need only ask - He will provide it. Otherwise, you create huge anxiety within yourself emotionally.

Trust Him - He is a very trustworthy God.

It may mean a time of separation - not easy but maybe necessary. It's important that you continue seeing your pastor, together if at all possible. If not, then on your own.

Unfortunately, she may have reached the end of her rope. The end of trying, the end of having patience, the end of waiting for changes ... just the end. And... the only way she can see anything clearly is to get as far away as she can from the person who is causing her the most pain in her life.

Just a thought.....

Because I do not know what has caused her to get to this place or what has occured in your marriage that would cause the pastor to agree with her, that your actions have been the cause of marital breakdown, it's very hard to know what to tell you, exactly. But you admit this rests on your shoulders and this is a great start.

There is always hope....

There is hope even if she files for divorce. There is hope even if the divorce is finalized. There is hope....for restoration of this relationship as long as she does not remarry.

There is nothing wrong with going to her and saying...
- I am deeply sorry I have caused you pain
- I am deeply sorry for not being the husband you have needed
- I have been wrong
- I have not cherished you the way a wife should be cherished
- I do not want our marriage to end
- I am willing to go to counseling or see whomever you want me to
- I am asking for your forgiveness

webacus · Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 1:40 pm Post subject:

Hi Mike
I know we don't have all the details, so it's difficult
to see the whole picture.

٠ You say you met with your pastor. What was his
counsel on you moving apart?

٠ On what grounds is your wife seeking divorce?

Mike1966 · Newbie Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 17

SAM,

Hopefully this won't post twice, I must have messed up before. I have plenty of faults but really believe that my wife struggles with true happiness.............not due to me, just life. She has needed change throughout our marriage whether it be furniture, houses, paint colors............I'm not talking about a little change, I'm talking about alot.

I have aplogized many times for the hurts I've caused and taken full responsiblity. With our pastor, I just did not feel led to bring up any issues I may have with my wife since she is so bitter toward me currently.

Mike1966 · Newbie Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 17

Our pastor told us it would be best to stay together and work through this, especially for the kids sake. That was the one thing my wife disagreed with that he said because the rest of the time we just focused on me.

I'm not sure whether or not she will go again and get more and more hesitant to approach her and talk about anything as she seems to just get more resentful. She seems to have her mind made up about moving out, but since our house has to sell first I'm not sure if that is a blessing or curse? I realize it gives more time but since she won't talk with me about anything remotely close to reconciliation I'm not sure what good it will do. I almost think she just needs to experience moving out to see what it's like and wish I could afford to give it to her.

I'm totally focused on my relationship with the Lord right now. In the word daily and just seeking God knowing that true personal healing will only come from him, whether or not I stay married. Not much else I can do at this point except add to my prayers a request to God that her heart would soften and she would forgive...............she does not want to do this.

Mike1966 · Newbie Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 17

I have an update on my situation and would like Godly counsel.........

My wife and I talked more last night about our situation. As much as I'm trying to love her through this and be the Man of God I'm supposed to be, I did not feel it appropriate to support separation. I've known my wife 15 years and I don't believe "absense makes the heart grow fonder" in her case. Her side of our family tree has a history of unforgiveness and being able to write people off. I'm afraid if I supported separation, she would just be mentally moving one step closer to Divorce.

In our discussion, she said "I don't love you but I'll stay", was exasperated, went out and got a drink and sat in front of our computer until 9pm then went to bed. She seemed in despair...................it really bothers me because I love her very much and don't want her to be so stressed. I can't help but think there's more going on than just pain that I've caused in the past. In her opinion, it's been this way for 15 years..............from my prospective, there has been a lot of love and a lot of fun in our marriage, even as recently as a few weeks ago. Then for the past two weeks her attitude changed for the worse.

She takes medication for a personal nervous system issue that surfaces once in awhile. When it does surface, she is that much more emotional...............it has come upon her for the last couple of weeks. I'm wondering if her emotions are just so "out of control" that she can't think clearly? She talks with her mother (who left her Dad, bitter, after 27 yrs of marriage and still is) and her sister but neither of them are believers and she really isn't that close to anyone in our church so she is getting no spiritual counsel whatever. A former spriitual mentor (woman) of hers from a few years ago called last night and tried to convince my wife to come stay all night (it's about a 45 min drive) but my wife resisted. Then the mentor told my wife that no matter what she thinks God is telling her at present that he doesn't want divorce and that my wife just needs to slow down...........which is a tough thing for my wife to do as she is not a patient person.

Since she said last night, "Ok, I'll stay", should I just cease communication for several days? We had already made the decision to sell our house and the realtor is showing it today. On the one hand I'm encouraged that she said she would stay, but she can be spiteful and, if the house sells, maybe she's just planning to leave me anyway at that time? Who knows? I'd like to talk with her about it but I think at this point it would do more harm than good.

I'm staying in the Word daily and praying constantly for God to make the necessary changes needed in me to serve him more diligently and also praying for healing in my marriage. I'm meeting with our Pastor for lunch later this week and a spiritual mentor who is a good family leader this evening for dinner.

Any advice would be appreciated. I know I can't ultimately control this but would like to do everything I can to work through this. Even if she does stay, there's no way through this without some serious healing on both sides which I do not think will come without counseling. I just hope my wife is open to it. It seems in the past she has not wanted to turn that direction herself, almost as if she didn't want to have to change anything but would be glad if I did. My wife is such a fun person but would probably be classified as needing quite a bit of attention from me and any friends that we have to completely feel good about herself. She can be very hard on people and doesn't really have that many close women friends. She relates to men better than women it seems.

Anyway, any counsel is appreciated as I prayerfully work through what is the most painfully emotional thing I've ever experienced.

Thanks,

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 367 Location: NJ

Sam gave you some really good advice. Another book I would recommend is The Exemplerary Husband by Stuart Scott.

But I understand that you aren't looking for books to read right at the moment. You want financial advice and marital advice, and it is difficult for us to provide that because we just don't know enough about the situation.

It is great that you have recognized your role in this. The issues in the marriage are not 100% your fault. You can only control your own thoughts, words, and actions, and that is what you need to work on. You need to make them pleasing to God, not to your wife.

You cannot control your wife; you cannot relieve her stress or even out her emotions. It seems that she also needs to get her relationship with God to be better. We all do. However, the last thing she wants to hear right now is you telling her that she needs to work on her relationship with God, so you have to be very careful in that regard.

On the other hand, and this is just my opinion, you should not say and do things just to please your wife, and just to avoid conflicts with her. You have to be thinking, saying and doing what is right and what is true. Also, if at all possible, make an effort to really get to know your wife better, to connect with her. That is why I think it is better for her to be in the same house as you (but it is hard to tell from this situation). Surely you must have conversations about something? The kids? Can you use these as the gateway to other conversations?

Remember 1 Peter 3:7

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered

Pray fervently for her, and for your marriage. Ask her if you can pray with her. God can work miracles.

Again, I cannot give you advice. If it were me, I would not sell the house.

Mike1966 · Newbie Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 17

rdsmith,

Thanks so much. I need to be focusing on what God wants me to say and do............that's the bottom line.

It's very difficult right now......if I bring up anything she almost immediately jumps into "that's it, that's why I want out".........very emotional and upset easily. It does add to her stress when I speak to her but I'm not sure how to do anything by just being silent and apart.

I wondered when this all came about so sudden (to me) whether or not there was someone else. She says there isn't but that she has committed "emotional adultry" as she dreams about other men (no one specifically) because I have provided the romance and intimacy that she needs. She has briefly mentioned this before to me but I didn't act on it. Today, I also approached her about if there was an internet relationship or anything else as she's been spending mega time on the computer chatting and doing email................she exploded when I mentioned it and had the screen up and showed me she was only chatting with her sister so i felt like a total heal and feel I've driven her further away.

Anyway, any other advice is appreciated.................this is uncharted territory. At times, I'm emotionally distraught, then at times when I think there's a chance she's staying with me I feel better. I know I need to work through this, it's just so very painful thinking about being without my wife and kids on a full-time basis. I really love them all very much.

Classyladi · Newbie Joined: 27 Jun 2007 Posts: 2

I think that you should bind those generational curses that have cursed her side of the family. If you don't know anything about doing that Maryln Hickey has a book out Breaking Generational Curses and so does Larry Hutch, I believe that is his name. I have found that the bad traits in my family as well as my husbands needed to stop at us. I had to bind the spirit of divorce, adultry,drugs and alcohol from our family. God showed me this is what I needed to do, because there was a pattern through each generation it helped me to see what was unclean on both sides of our families.
Also, you and your wife are ONE, because of marriage. You have the right to bind every demonic thing that is coming against her and against you through her. Bind those thoughts and immaginations that are against God's will for your marriage that rise up in her mind. Bind the spirit of divorce and separation as well. Make them go directly to the pits, and not to return.
God has given us authority over these unclean spirits that are attacking our families. We must learn what they are and how to use them.
I hope that I am not out of place with this info for you.

Mike1966 · Newbie Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 17

ClassyLadi,

I totally respect what you are saying and appreciate your reply. At present, I've been totally focusing on God and my relationship to him but he had not brought that to mind. Yes, the spiritual realm is real but I think sometimes we forget this while living in daily in the physical. I will act on your advice and bind satan in the areas of divorce, family curses, separation, false ideas for romanticism.....and other areas. Thank you so much for the insight.

Last night, my wife decided she was moving out. At first she wanted an apartment but I can't afford to rent one for her and she has always been a stay-at-home Mom with our two kids. My parents live 40 minutes from us and volunteered that I could stay with them while we are separated and selling our house. Strange, I have been getting closer to God and praying for him to reveal himself to my wife and I through this.............I know without a doubt he does not want divorce. At the same time, I felt a sense of peace once we finally talked about separating for awhile.

I'm not sure if my wife has anything on her mind at this time other than being away from me and out from under my thumb. Maybe in the end it will be for the best so she can really clear her mind, get close to God and get the healing she needs for anything I've caused and her own issues. At this point, we are splitting up all the debt 50/50, each getting our own checking account and I will provide 1/2 my paycheck to her to live..............cash flow will be the same for both of us. She has gone the extra mile to be fair in that she doesn't mind me staying with my parents and I will have the kids one week, she'll have them the next.

If she wanted to be vindictive, she could have legally filed for separation or divorce behind my back, charged up credit cards, tried to make me look bad to the kids.....etc. So, right now, we are trusting each other to make the decisions that are best for us, and our kids, at this time.

Obviously, my prayer is for healing and reconciliation. However, God has given us all free will to choose so it is totally out of my control. I will use this time to grow closer to my awesome God, and get plugged in with my kids again. In time, hopefully my wife and I can heal the wounds and move on. Time will tell.

Any advice on how to deal with separation is appreaciated. I'm hopeful but realize it will be a long road either way.

Classyladi · Newbie Joined: 27 Jun 2007 Posts: 2

There was a time when my marriage was facing a danger of divorce. I fasted and prayed. I also took my anointing oil and put it on everything my husband wore and owned and used. Right down to his shoes and underclothes. I anointed everything and prayed over it all. Today, he is still with me (21 years now). What I did caused the Holy Spirit to work on him and he surrendered and repented before God. I prayed that God would stir up his love for me, and make it strong again. I also prayed that God would reconcile him to Himself (so he would return back to God), and reconcile him with me. I praised and thanked God as well. I think I even claimed every scripture I could find concerning us. If your wife is right with God, there is no way she would even look at divorce, as God is against it. If she thinks it's ok, she is believing a decietful and lying spirit.
There is one other thing I did that God told me to do, but I will not add it to this, it would have to be sent by e-mail, as it is personal. I will add you and your wife to my prayers. May God grant you wisdom to deal with all of this.[/b]

Mike1966 · Newbie Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 17

Thanks again, Classyladi,

Last night, my wife came to me in tears and asked me to have dinner with her. We had a very nice time, mostly just talking about what each other had been doing that day and other days and what peoples reponses were when we told them we were separating. At the end of the night, my wife came to me in tears again and said she felt God working on her heart and allowing her to start the process of forgiveness for the hurt I had caused her. At the same time, she's not even considering a future for us.............not that she isn't, her focus is just on trying to fogive me and realizes that even if we aren't together anymore she doesn't want to have contempt for me and that we need to work together for the good of the kids.

I'm so pleased for her sake that she is experiencing some healing from God. At the same time, I pray for my strength because my heart will break even if she forgives me but does not end up loving me anymore. I'm trying very hard not to focus on those thoughts knowing God doesn't want me to worry about tomorrow, and, ultimately it's not up to me anyway. I hope and pray that my wife can heal and forgive me and that the spark of her love for me will reignite at some point. I'm afraid that the separation may allow her to realize that she doesn't need me after all, who knows? Nothing I can do but continue to be in the Word for myself and the healing that needs to take place in my own life.

Classyladi - if you'd like to relate to the personal info to me, can you send me a private message on this forum? I'm new to it and am not sure but I think you can do that............or I'll try to send you one.

Thanks for any other thoughts on my situation everyone.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 367 Location: NJ

Mike,

That is great news. God is definitely at work.

Remember that you cannot make your wife love you. I know this from personal experience!

All's you can do is work on your relationship with God, work on being the best possible Godly husband and father, pray, and surrender completely to God. You have to trust that His will is going to be done. God is sovereign over everything.

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