Wife wants separation and possibly divorce.............help!

Mike1966 · Newbie Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 17

Thanks rdsmith,

I move out later this afternoon so I'm sure it will again be painful, but somehow I've already mentally prepared so maybe it won't be so bad. I continue to seek after God with all my heart, soul and mind. As of late my prayer is that "this time", I'm not a baby christian who just turns to him in times of need then goes back to the "old way". Loving God with all your heart and having a relationship with him takes discipline and effort and I need to continue to seek him out daily...............for the rest of my life.

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

A year ago today, my husband and I went to a Christian counselor for the first time. Just 4 days earlier he had asked me for a divorce and wanted to be finished. There was NOTHING that I could say to change the situation. It wasn't until my pastor gave me some homework about looking at myself that I was able to see myself as my husband saw me and as God saw me. I had a lot of work to do. God was able to use the situation to put me back on track and used my change to put our marriage back on track.

My husband tells me that there were a thousand little things that delayed his filing, but almost every one of them wouldn't be possible, if we hadn't been in the same place. He was on an emotional roller coaster and everytime we discussed the future it put him back on track for the moment. If I hadn't been there for those discussions, I don't think healing would have been possible.

Mike1966 · Newbie Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 17

greenwidow,

I wish I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity. Unfortunately, my wife left me no choice as 3 nights ago, she was either going to force me to pay for an apartment for her and our kids and move out, or have her mother pay for it.....................I can't afford to pay for another household. Fortunately, God provided relief through my parents where I moved temporarily last night until our house sells. My kids are with me this week, then they will stay with my wife the next.

This has been such an emotional roller coaster..................lately I have had peace even about our separation because my wife could not think clearly. I found out from my youngest daughter tonight (13 yrs old), that my wife had already talked with her and her sister (my other daughter, 14 yrs old) about it sometimes being better divorcing if you can't get along.....and that her and I fight all the time...etc., basically excusing the divorce because it may make mommy happier. This brought on a great discussion between us about commitment and the fact that just because you're unhappy, don't "feel" love for someone at present in a marriage, that you pick up your blocks and go home. It made me feel somewhat in despair before God got me back on track and I realized HE is bigger than any of this.

When my wife invited me to dinner two nights ago and we talked, then came to me emotionally later saying God was starting to let her have forgiveness in her heart for me and that no matter what it would be better for her to forgive (meaning whether or not we reconciled).

I was talking with her this morning when I went to the house to work with her on separating the bills and closing our current joint checking account. She's always wanting to know what people say about us separating and I had just talked with her Dad the eve before. He couldn't believe we had separated and viewed us as having a lot of love and a good marriage. I told my wife of our conversation but then told her she probably wouldn't want to hear what he had to say..................she asked me "why not"? I told her because her Dad hopes we reconcile............then she said, "why wouldn't I want to hear that"? I told her "because I have no idea how you feel about me right now or what you want". Anyway, it wasn't negative, and I suppose gave me a little more hope that things aren't over and that she is trying to forgive and find a way to move on, together.

Right now, I'm just trying to give her space and unconditionally love her. I don't want to be viewed as controlling and this has probably been an issue since she has never worked outside our home. Our money situation has always been fairly tight and I believe has added to the stress.

Anyway, I still appreciate any words of wisdom from those of you who have experience this type of thing or feel God speaking to them about it. I have felt peace lately knowing that God will sustain me and that he must be #1 in my life. At the same time, he does want to know the desires of our hearts and does hate divorce. Up until yesterday, I had been meek about praying for healing in our marriage because I wanted healing for my wife via forgiveness.....................I do want that but I also dearly want reconciliation in our marriage which I have been fervently praying for since yesterday.

Any thoughts, comments and/or prayers are appreciated.

rdsmith3 · Full Member Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 274 Location: NJ

Mike1966 · Newbie Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 17

Thought I'd give anyone who has been following my situation an update.

For starters, God has been so faithful to me personally in giving me peace in this situation. HE needs to be first in my life no matter what.

The past couple of days, my wife and I have emailed back and forth many times. What started as venting emails by her to make me understand the pain I caused have turned into what I believe is spiritual healing for her. She is starting to respond to the Holy Spirit, soften her heart and forgive. She doesn't trust me at this time but does want friendship which is a start.

I'm sure there will be more pain and healing through this process, but, I feel it has started. Strangely enough, I don't even think i trust myself to go back to my wife right now. God has healed me and exposed the sin in my life (which mainly stems from selfishness), but I really do not want to hurt my wife again and want to make sure God has completed the healing process in me before we get back together, if she's open to it. Right now, I'm just focusing on being there for her and listening.

Also, this is giving me more time to focus on just my kids which I have needed to do for a long time. I think for years I have been so concerned with mine and my wife's relationship that I really had not been giving them the quality attention they need.

I hope this is okay with the site rules, but I want to attach this link:

http://www.familyministries.com/Reconciling_husbands.htm

I came across it while surfing the net and gathering information on my situation. It's like God reached out to me through it and gave me further insight to the situation I'm in and have caused. I highly encourage any man who has a wife that has contemplated leaving him, has left him, or started the divorce process to read this article.

Anyway, any further insight you care to share on my situation is appreciated. Thank you so much for the many replies and God-given wisdom provided.

lostone · Newbie Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 10

Mike:

Haven't been on the site for awhile and something drew me back in. I don't have much wisdom to share, but am glad to hear the channels of communcation are open again with your wife and that somehow God intervened to soften her heart. Keep talking, keep listening and be there for her as a friend. I've been praying for the same thing for a year now since my wife moved out but sometimes hit a road block and lose faith. Her personality is such that she won't take advice from anyone. She doesn't have God in her life or in her heart. She's been running with a fast crowd since she moved out, only caring about her own happiness for the moment. She's convinced she'd be happier without the stress of our relationship, and is happy with her newfound freedom and independence of living by herself. We have three kids that split time between us and I think she truly enjoys her alone time to go out at live it up with her new friends (who have not been a great influence and probably have been encouraging her to join the party). Anyway, she mentioned divorce for the first time a week ago and appears to have made up her mind. I keep holding out hope that somehow, someway God will answer my prayers, soften her heart, and wake her up to what she is doing and her selfish ways. Maybe I'm the one being selfish by not letting go and just moving on, but I firmly believe that this is not what God's plan for us. How could he let us bring three beautiful children into this world, just to ruin it by selfishly divorcing? Anyway, I'm glad to hear it worked out for somebody who kept the faith.

Mike1966 · Newbie Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 17

lostone,

I feel your pain. I have only been separated from my wife for a week, I can't imagine what you have endured. If my wife still did not have her faith imagine I would have no hope at all. As it is, there is still nothing for certain with my wife and I but we are at least talking without fighting.

I'll lift you up in my daily quiet time and ask God for peace in your situation though I'm sure you have despair. My prayer will earnestly be for God to do "whatever it takes" in your situation.

Try to take comfort in knowing that he will see you through this and you will have joy again. This is one thing my best friend, who is also a Christian and whose wife left and divorced him after 14 years of marriage, continually tells me. To focus on healing and restoration in my own life and trust God in the rest. I know this is not an easy thing to do, my friend.

I wish you the best. PM me if you ever want to talk, I'd be glad to email or exchange numbers.

lostone · Newbie Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 10

Mike:

The article on Reconciling Husband couldn't have been more on point. That described everything that happened to us that caused our relationship to weaken. I'm leaving in God's hands at this point to soften my wife's heart. The problem is she doesn't have God in her life. She is scheduled for a weekend retreat at the end of the month which is sponsored by the Catholic church which I hope she attends (she's backed out about three times now over the last year or more). Please pray that God can get here there and work some miracles. For me, I'll be alright but I sure would rather be alright with her in my life and work things out to be happy together again. I prayed for you last night as well because I'd hate to see anyone go through what I've been through. Divorce is the easy way for too many people in this generation and it is so sad that we can't be more committed to our vows and make things work even when the going gets tough. Anyway, good thoughts and wishes are with you.

Mike1966 · Newbie Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 17

Thanks, lostone.

I'll pray for you today and write down your situation in my journal. I've been reading so many things since all of this happens. One thing to keep in mind is that all things happen in God's time. Yes, your wife seems to currently have turned from God, but at the same time he is the God of miracles. This book i just finished today "What God Does When Men Pray" refers to so many scriptures about how we just seem to pray for the "bare minimum". God is so big we don't even know what he can do. I don't want to give you false hope but at the same time want to encourage you to stay the course. I've recently read of countless marriages that were healed even as many as 10-20 years after a separation or divorce......in God's time.

I do appreciate your prayers in my situation also. Your words ring true.............many couples seem to forget the commitment they made before God about their marriage. It just takes one partner to start focusing on themselves, their happiness, and what their spouse is not providing for them to consider separation or divorce. I'm not excusing myself for the mistakes and pain I've caused in my own marriage.............at the same time one thing I KNOW is that God doesn't want divorce for anyone. God's Word advises divorce can be granted in cases of infidelity............even then, God's desire would be for repentance, forgiveness and reconciliation, not divorce.

I have hope for my marriage but right now I'm really trying to not think about my wife so much as to seek after God first in my life no matter what and ask him to heal me of the selfishness in my life that was the root cause of my wifes pain and our separation. Yes, I definitely want to work things out, but at the same time she has to want it to.

Stay in touch and PM me if you ever want to exchange information and talk.

Mike

lostone · Newbie Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 10

Thanks, Mike. You're right on course with your thinking. Get close to God. I keep looking back thinking he put us through this so he could get closer to us and in the end we could grow closer together. It has certainly worked for me. About things being in God's time, I think he waited until now to get my wife to the Cursillo (retreat) weekend. She wasn't ready for it before, but maybe she is now. I know he has a plan, and I keep praying that his plan involves us putting him first in our lives, letting go of the selfishness, and being the family he always wanted us to be to raise our three girls with God in their lives and set an example for them to live by.

sppdscott · Newbie Joined: 06 Jul 2007 Posts: 2 Location: Nebraska

Reconcilable Differences: with Study Guide by Jim A. Talley (Paperback - Jan 7, 1991)

Here is book my wife and I used to work on some difficult areas of our marriage as we both were seeking reconciliation. In our case I moved out as my wife said she was going crazy with me present. She needed time away and I needed that "jolt" to make me realize how serious the situation was, and that I needed to consider some changes. After 3 years of separation, many individual counseling sessions and finally joint counseling sessions the past several months, we are together. My wife had major fearfulness that things would lapse into the same patterns of the past. This book helped steer us somewhat, especially just helping me to talk about things. This book is also written for divorced people who need to get over their issues with their spouses so they can move past the anger and bitterness towards each other. Seems there are few resources for those truly seeking to reconcile.

lostone · Newbie Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 10

Thanks for the book referral. Three years must have been hard being separated. We're at thirteen months and my wife has made no effort toward reconciliation. She wants to be friends and thinks maybe down the road in a year or two she might get some feelings for me back. Don't know if she's just saying that to ease my pain. I'm still praying for a breakthrough but realistically I think I have come to the conclusion that she wants it to be over so I just have to accept it and go on. I'm glad to see you came through it ok though and reconciled. I wish more people would put in that kind of effort. I'll get the book and let you know if it helps.

Mike1966 · Newbie Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 17

That sound like a great book...............I'll definitely be picking up a copy.

Your story gives hope to those who are separated but at the same time I have to be honest..............it scares the hell out of me. My wife and I have only been separated for a little more than a week and now, after having been married 15 years, I have no clue what to do with myself the week she'll have the kids.

Your analogy of where your wife was at when you separated sounds a lot like my wife. We have been talking a little, but at present she doesn't want to see anyone (counselor) and is bothered by our/her Christian friends that call and want to talk with her................obviously because they will tell her to work it out and that is not what she wants to hear at this time.

Thanks for the reference and sharing your story.

Jetstream · Newbie Joined: 07 Jul 2007 Posts: 1

This is my first time to post, so I don't know if this is a repeat of my last post.

This is a word of encouragement for you:

15 So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings[e] we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter.

16 May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, 17 encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.

Do not grow weary in doing what is good and right. I'm sure it is difficult to keep your chin up when your wife doesn't respond, but be patient. Read Gary Smalley's book "If Only He Knew". He has a lot of good things to say.

I'm trying to learn how to be a loving husband myself and to "restore the years the locusts have eaten". I'm having a tough time getting myself out of the way and loving with a true, 1st Corinthians 13 love. But the Holy Spirit can do this. I know he can.

I'll be praying for you, brother.

Mike1966 · Newbie Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 17

Just thought I'd post an update to my situation........i'll be as brief as i can, so much has happened.

My wife moved into an apartment last week. I felt the best decision for me was to buy a much less expensive house for me and the kids, we each will have them every other week. I'm temporarily staying with my parents until moving into my house in about 3 weeks.

Our situation has gone back and forth. No real commitment for the future, still separated but not filing for divorce. It has gone back and forth for her emotionally. We haven't talked as much about the past but last week got together once or twice for coffee while I was looking for a house to purchase. We had a nice evening.

There has been a friend of my wife and I's who my wife thinks alot of (a guy) that I initially felt she may have been having an affair with. They kind of remained friends after my wife and I separated, emailing and maybe talking, I'm not sure. When I dropped by my wifes apartment this past Friday unannounced, he happened to be there and I lost my temper. At this point, I realize nothing happened.....after thoroughly examining the situation and talking with them, but, him being there without anyone else there was totally inappropriate and he agrees with me. The friendship will have to end or I believe there is potential for disaster.

After this past weekend and my blowup, I was angry and told my wife we were through and she would get her wish. Then, over the next 2 days, I backed off a little and told her I would still go through with the divorce if she wanted but didn't think it was right, offered to move forward with her if she agreed to go to counseling and stop the friendship with the guy-friend. She wanted to move forward with the divorce at that time.

We spoke again, twice more. The second time I told her again, we've only been separated for 6 weeks and I feel like if we divorce now (which I'm willing to do if she wants to) that one or both of us is going to regret it in 6-8 months. I asked her about holding off or just getting a legal separation? She said we could talk about it later in the week sometime.

My wife started a new job today, the first she's had since we were married 15 years ago. I dropped off a note in her vehicle before she left wishing her luck among a few other things. She called and chatted with me briefly, she was friendly. Then, she called me again on her lunch break and said she didn't know if it would keep her busy enough but we had a short and pleasant talk.

So, right now, we basically aren't discussing what the next move will be for either of us. I am praying for the ability to just love my wife unconditionally through this with no guarantee of our future which has been hard. I've drawn closer to God through this but the last week has been hard.

I get conflicting advice.................don't be available, be available, don't answer her calls or call her, be there for her. I'm weighing things out and trying to pray my way through.

Any help or advice is appreciated.

	Growthtrac Community Forum Index -> Separation, Divorce, and Re-Marriage	All times are GMT - 6 Hours Goto page Previous 1, 2, 3, 4 Next
Page 2 of 4