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RBrownTN
Junior Member
Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 44
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 Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 12:02 pm Post subject: Wife stays, but... |
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It's been a long road in the year since my wife confessed her affair. Looking back, I see a lot of mistakes we each made along the way since then. (Original posts here and follow up here.)
I NOW realize I was short-cutting my emotions. I never really grieved the loss of a broken vow and never let my anger out. In the year since, that pent up anger has slowly, and sometimes without warning, came out verbally (harsh and demeaning) during arguments or disagreements. This has caused her to shut down completely.
Another mistake we made is that we tried to heal our marriage without counseling. That only made things worse as we didn't know how to set boundaries and work towards healing.
In short - the past year, she is once again back to what led her to commit the affair to begin with. She says she does not love me and wants out.
This reality finally made me admit that we haven't made any progress. We have since recently been going to a Christian marriage counselor - and I pray its not "too little too late".
First and foremost, my anger is an issue I see as one of my most immediate needs. I am working closely with our counselor to address this and I feel I've made some good progress.
However - my wife has flatly told me, she's emotionally divorced and in fact has already found what she feels is a man that God wants her to be with (an emotional affair?). I cannot disagree more - since I believe that God wants us to work through our problems and despises divorce. - but I have to be careful in how I approach my beliefs with her.
I have prayed about this and have decided to release her to chose her own way (after reading "Love must be Tough") even if I don't agree with it. I have come to rely more of God than ever before these days.
Since then, she's come back to me and told me that God came to her and said to "give it just one more chance". When she asked about this other guy - He said "Trust in me". She told me this - which she didn't have to do. But she made it very clear - she is staying for the moment ONLY out of obedience to God, but not because she wants to stay in the marriage.
I have mixed emotions on this. I truly believe that God will work miracles in me to change me to be the man/husband I need to be to best serve him - because I WANT to. I am willing to stay in the marriage as well, because God tells me to. But I have found peace in releasing her as well knowing that I did most everything that God asked me to.
Can God change her heart if she isn't willing? Can he effect that part of free will? I don't want her to be miserable any more than I want to be. Is this just putting off the inevitable or is God sending a clear message of His plan here? |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 2136
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 1:36 pm Post subject: |
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When a woman has been hurt that deepy emotionally and verbally, it's pretty hard to love the man God has given her.
You've heard the words, "God has told me to give this one more chance." So I believe she is trying to listen and be obedient, but still protect her heart at the same time.
A woman's self-esteem is so fragile and so tied into what her husband thinks of her.
A question to ask yourself is, "Do I cherish her everyday in my actions and in the words I use?" If not, then she is likely to leave with the next outburst you throw at her.
Please consider picking up the following books for both of you -
Every Man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn and Every Woman's Marriage by Shannon Etheridge. Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs. I believe these books will give you great insight. |
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RBrownTN
Junior Member
Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 44
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| Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 2:04 pm Post subject: |
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| SAM wrote: | A woman's self-esteem is so fragile and so tied into what her husband thinks of her.
A question to ask yourself is, "Do I cherish her everyday in my actions and in the words I use?" If not, then she is likely to leave with the next outburst you throw at her. |
I absolutely DO cherish her. I guess I still haven't gotten over the hurt even though I have forgiven. I just never let that part of my anger out other than slowly, which ended up in resentment and bitterness on both sides. This is something the counselor and I agree is a priority for me. If I can get beyond this, true uplifting healing can be done - I'm convinced of it. But since we haven't accomplished much good during the past year, we find ourselves back at square one again and wonder if its too little, too late.
One other facet I have is that I am still struggling with spiritual maturity - something which she has told me she desperately needs in a husband. I have found myself reading and studying when I can despite the stresses of work and a long commute. I literally find myself mentally exhausted each day. But I am finding myself relying on God more and more.
I intend on being the man God calls me to be - regardless of whether my marriage is saved or not (though it is *my* heart's desire). Above all, I know if I seek God's will - that He will take care of me whatever the outcome.
I have read 'Every Man's Marriage" in the past. Currently I am reading "Torn Asunder" and "His Needs/Her Needs" (the second was a reading assignment from our counselor for both of us) |
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rdsmith3
Veteran
Joined: 04 Oct 2006
Posts: 386
Location: NJ
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| Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 2:08 pm Post subject: |
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Although the cause was very different, I am experiencing a similar set of circumstances in my marriage. I am also guilty of some angry outbursts. The things I said were hurtful. They may have been mostly true, but they are still hurtful. My wife already feels guilty about certain things, and my words just made her feel even worse.
I do not mean to sound judgmental, but from the way you write this it comes across as if you believe you have done most everything you were supposed to do, but your wife has not? I used to think that, too, but I have realized more and more that the issues are much closer to 50/50 than 90/10.
It is wonderful that you are learning to trust God more and more. I am trying to do the same. You have essentially surrendered to God and He has answered you with your wife deciding to stay. Why not trust Him, and just take it day by day? You were already prepared to accept God's will if your wife divorced you. She has not. So why not accept that God is working, God is capable of doing anything, and He is working in ways that you do not expect?
I truly hope and pray that this works out for you both. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 2136
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 2:39 pm Post subject: |
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Torn Asunder is a great recommendation.
I agree with rdsmith3. The fact that she is still there with you and hasn't left is answered prayer. God is providing you with a blessing.
I read something recently that brought a smile to my face-
People say marriage takes hard work. It makes a difference if your priority is to work on yourself instead of your spouse.
I've found that to be true in my relationship with Christ and with my husband. I was the one that need the "fixing", not my husband. Once I did some serious reflection and work on myself, my attitude about my marriage got considerably better. |
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RBrownTN
Junior Member
Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 44
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| Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 2:45 pm Post subject: |
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| rdsmith3 wrote: | | Although the cause was very different, I am experiencing a similar set of circumstances in my marriage. I am also guilty of some angry outbursts. The things I said were hurtful. They may have been mostly true, but they are still hurtful. My wife already feels guilty about certain things, and my words just made her feel even worse. |
That's exactly what I did. Rather than uplift her, I can see now that I was "rubbing it in her face". It surely wasn't my intention, but I can't deny that I did. I can't apologize enough now that I can myself for my role.
| rdsmith3 wrote: | | I do not mean to sound judgmental, but from the way you write this it comes across as if you believe you have done most everything you were supposed to do, but your wife has not? I used to think that, too, but I have realized more and more that the issues are much closer to 50/50 than 90/10. |
In some ways, I do feel this way. Because we didn't get counseling till a year later, we didn't know what to do - or not do. I felt like certain boundaries needed to be in place - she felt like I was treating her like a child. It became a battle of two wills without someone to set us straight. We each had our ideas of what needed to be done - but we could never find that consensus. This led to strife and further distrust and hurt emotions. Because of this, now more than ever, I am a big advocate of getting counseling RIGHT AWAY. I feel it would have put us on a better path.
I still believe that while God will show us the way - its still our choice to pick which path to follow. Jeremiah 6:16 comes to mind. We each need to choose to listen and follow God's instruction. Something neither of us has done well in the past.
| rdsmith3 wrote: | | It is wonderful that you are learning to trust God more and more. I am trying to do the same. You have essentially surrendered to God and He has answered you with your wife deciding to stay. Why not trust Him, and just take it day by day? You were already prepared to accept God's will if your wife divorced you. She has not. So why not accept that God is working, God is capable of doing anything, and He is working in ways that you do not expect? |
Each morning, my knees hit the floor within a second of my feet. I thank God for the blessings He's given me and ask for protection from my own thoughts. I feel that I am in a spiritual battle as the enemy would love to destroy my marriage. Finding that faith not just first thing in the morning, but continually all day long is a habit I desperately am trying to develop. Trusting in God is the easy part - trusting in me isn't and the enemy knows it.
Here is how I know God is on my side. I live in a very rural area. This morning, all my radio could pick up was secular stations in my truck (cd player is broken). I wanted to worship so badly that as I was scanning through the stations - I let God know my desire out loud. The very next station the radio tuned to was a distant Christian music station that I can only hear as I get close to work (75miles away). I about broke down right there and then. There is no way I can deny that He is working for my benefit after such a clear and immediate answer to prayer. |
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RBrownTN
Junior Member
Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 44
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| Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 2:51 pm Post subject: |
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| SAM wrote: | | Torn Asunder is a great recommendation. |
I agree. It has taught me a lot about what happened - and why.
| SAM wrote: |
I read something recently that brought a smile to my face-
People say marriage takes hard work. It makes a difference if your priority is to work on yourself instead of your spouse. |
Oh sure - NOW you tell me!  Seriously though - I did make the mistake of trying to counsel her by "standing in the gap" for her at times. I completely missed my own failings and have since turned the mirror on myself instead. That made an immediate difference. |
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grieving wife
Newbie
Joined: 20 Nov 2006
Posts: 8
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| Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 11:20 am Post subject: |
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I second the recommendation for the book Torn Asunder. My husband and I are fortunate enough to be in counseling with Dave Carder, author of Torn Asunder, on a weekly basis. It's helping a lot! Praise the Lord! I just wanted to recommend his workbook that goes along with the text. If your wife is willing...you both work through it together and it really opens up your relationship and communication. It really addresses so much more than I could have imagined. My heart is healing after my husband's infidelity and our marriage is on its way to being restored as well. I do feel so much closer and respected, honored and cherished by my husband. I would have never chosen this road to get there...but I'm thankful that something good is coming out of something so heartbreaking.
Blessings to you. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 2136
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 11:57 am Post subject: |
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| I have a very dear friend who went through this with her husband. She told me awhile back that as heartbreaking as this situation was, it made them work on their marriage. Counseling helped them to stop burying emotions and issues. She said they are stronger for it today and their marriage is better now than it was before. |
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Tpratt23
Newbie
Joined: 06 Dec 2006
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 4:15 pm Post subject: |
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RBrown,
Trying to handle things ourselves and trying to hide the situation from others is a common mistake. I think you guys absolutely need counseling However, it is very hard to find good Christian counseling, so be aware.
My wife and I went through similar circumstances. We were refered by our pator to a Marriage Restored weekend. God worked a miracle there for us. I highly recomend this if possible. It will change your marriage. Do a search for marriage restored to go to the website.
What I didnt know and also your wife and most people dont understand is that love is a CHOICE. It is not just a feeling.
I will recomend a coupe books for you guys.
The 5 Love languages by Gary Chapmen
And
His Needs, Her Needs by William Harley
We sometimes think that since we dont have the "tingles" (as Dr. Chapment puts it) for our spouse anymore that we dont love them anymore. The fact is that the "tingles" dont last forever with anyone. There are 2 things we can do after the feeling of love is gone. 1. get a divorce, and search for a new love experience, which is what our society does now. or 2 Begin the hard work of learning to love each other with out the euphoria of the in-love obsession. Hopefully, your wife will be willing to understand this and work on your marriage.
I hope this helps,
Troy |
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RBrownTN
Junior Member
Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 44
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| Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 4:24 pm Post subject: |
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| Tpratt23 wrote: | | What I didnt know and also your wife and most people dont understand is that love is a CHOICE. It is not just a feeling. |
I have heard this about a dozen times in the past few weeks - including last night at my counseling session. The more I think about it - the more I agree.
| Tpratt23 wrote: | I will recomend a coupe books for you guys.
The 5 Love languages by Gary Chapmen
And
His Needs, Her Needs by William Harley |
His Needs, Her Needs is one the counselor is having us both read. I've also read the 5 Love languages in the past, but intend on re-reading it as I get through my stack of books that I'm currently working on.
| Tpratt23 wrote: | | We sometimes think that since we dont have the "tingles" (as Dr. Chapment puts it) for our spouse anymore that we dont love them anymore. The fact is that the "tingles" dont last forever with anyone. There are 2 things we can do after the feeling of love is gone. 1. get a divorce, and search for a new love experience, which is what our society does now. or 2 Begin the hard work of learning to love each other with out the euphoria of the in-love obsession. Hopefully, your wife will be willing to understand this and work on your marriage. |
Interestingly enough, my wife and I actually discussed this last night after my session. She says there is "nothing there", but I explained it is a choice. We chose to marry each other, etc. I think I confused her a bit (she hasn't gotten to that point in His Needs/Her needs). I then asked her to have the counselor explain it at our next appointment.
The fact that we are talking (despite living in separate bedrooms) while things have been very civil and pleasant is a bit encouraging too. But I know this is still a very long and rough road. |
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Tpratt23
Newbie
Joined: 06 Dec 2006
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 5:25 pm Post subject: |
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My wife also mentioned that the love "feeling" can return and there is hope of an awesome marriage after an affair. What the devil meant to destroy, God has used to make our marriage even better than we could have imagined. We are also starting a small group at our church to help other marriages.
God can change her heart, but she has to be willing to let him. I think the first step is for her to get rid of any thoughts of the other person involved. No contact at all. She needs to concentrate on your marriage and her relationship with God. Im sure you know this already. You will just have to keep perservering through this with God's help. You are on the right track wih the books you are reading. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 2136
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2006 9:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Every Man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn and Every Woman's Marriage by Shannon Etheridge are two books that I'd recommend - and the others you mentioned are great too. |
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RBrownTN
Junior Member
Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 44
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| Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 7:06 am Post subject: |
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| Tpratt23 wrote: | | My wife also mentioned that the love "feeling" can return and there is hope of an awesome marriage after an affair. What the devil meant to destroy, God has used to make our marriage even better than we could have imagined. We are also starting a small group at our church to help other marriages. |
That's awesome! Oh how I wish I could have that now, but I know we still have a long rough road to travel. It's the endurance we both need to see it through.
| Tpratt23 wrote: | | God can change her heart, but she has to be willing to let him. I think the first step is for her to get rid of any thoughts of the other person involved. No contact at all. She needs to concentrate on your marriage and her relationship with God. Im sure you know this already. You will just have to keep perservering through this with God's help. You are on the right track wih the books you are reading. |
So here is where the problem is then. She is only "willing" out of obedience to God - but has flatly stated that she doesn't want to. She says there is no emotion for me left - and does not know how to get it back. This is where I am having complete faith in God. I cannot "force" her to love me again.
At the same time, I have asked her to end all contact with this man (who lives out of state btw) - but while it has dramatically reduced it - it doesn't appear to have stopped completely. I really should say I don't believe her since we haven't really rebuilt any trust. I just don't know what to do beyond asking and praying.
God has been working on us. We have been talking more and the arguments have all but ceased. We've even gone out to dinner and a movie. But its a painstakingly slow progress. Our marriage is still very fragile. |
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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 2136
Location: Chicago
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| Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 8:39 am Post subject: |
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There is another book by Emmerson Eggerichs called Love and Respect that is awesome.
My husband fills me up when he tells me I am beautiful and he loves me (he's awesome in doing this everyday). It makes me feel cherished and protected. It didn't used to be this way. Often times words were used that tore me down and put my self esteem in the tank. I did this to him too. That is when I lost my love for him. It has since returned, but it took a lot of work on both of our parts to restore those "in love" feelings. There is now a sense of warmth and lifetime commitment. Our marriage is a place of comfort and mutual respect. That is more important to me than looking for "butterflies" in my stomach. Although, those have now returned for each other.
We treat our spouses worse that our best friends. I don't know what gives us license to do this. We should treat each other "better" than we would a friend, yet for some reason that doesn't happen.
My husband is now my best buddy in the world. |
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