Wife is unsure remaining married to the prince

majordel · Newbie Joined: 07 Feb 2005 Posts: 7

Hi everyone.
I am new to this "means" of sharing but I am in need of assistance and prayer. This will be lengthy, but will help in painting the overall picture.

My wife and I have been married for a little over two years and in Nov she shared with me that she is not sure if she wants to remain married. Her words were "my feelings for you have changed and I am not sure if I want to be marrried anymore".

We had a terrific courtship (2 yrs) and tremendous first year of marriage. After three months of being married, we both were called back to active military service and subsequently physically (location) separated. This caused a strain on our well-established friendship/marriage with only limited weekends to spend precious time with each other. Also, being separated caused my wife to develop other friend(ships) with people she worked with because my wife is a "kinda" social butterfly.

Things came to an empass when on our regular weekend together, my wife decided that she wanted to not come home and spend the weekend apart. I fully understand the need and the necessity of having time to yourself. What I did not understand is the suttle changes occuring in her feeling.

Intimacy was slowly becoming an issue (over the past of 4-6 months).

On one emotional (tear-filled) evening, my wife told me that things were not the same for her as when we first got married. She did not share the same passion and zeal for me that I always shared with her. She was becoming more distant even in the same room with me. She decided that she needed professional counseling (she is a licensed counselor as well). Being "pro-active" and compassionate, I told her that I would seek counseling as well to ensure that I could help her as "we" travelled thru this journey together. Her response was the shocker, "you do not need any help, this is all in me".

We both entered counseling and continued to work as a couple, now at the same military installation. During her counseling sessions, she started to tell me that "I need some time to myself". It is still difficult for me to type. I have been divorced once, I did not want this to happen for a second time. Especially with the woman who I cherish and adore and honor as a queen, that she is to me.

We still do things together. Like going to the movies, going out to dinner, visiting my in-laws, even sleep in the same bed and cuddle when we are at our home. I openly pray for her in her presence. I continue to attend church and pursuit my walk with the LORD, but she is not there yet.

What I have had to do is to let go and let GOD work with her.

We have no conflicts (outside of this), no infidelity issues, no family interference issues and no financial issues. I love my wife as what is written in the BIBLE. My father-in-law and I have talked at length about this conflict and some of his observations were "Are you loving her too much? Can she handle being cherish and honored and respected as you share with her?"

But, I also love her enough to let her go thru this (what I call a phase) and respect her wishes for time, space and no time pressure. She has not mentioned divorce and I have not been served with divorce papers. Just the request to time and space and interaction more on her terms than mine.

Bottomline, am I wanting a miracle or am I investing in a future great testimony?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2136 Location: Chicago

Keep praying and let God do the work. I'll continue to pray for you as well.

There is always the expectation that we will have that "in love" feeling forever in our marriage. Sometimes that feeling is up and down. It is working through those times when we don't always have that feeling that is tough.

There is one thing to not compromise on and that is going to church together. There is a bond there with God that needs to be in place.
Where is your wife in her relationship with Christ? As a couple, have you had an opportunity to develop a board of directors for you marriage? What I mean by this is a group of people who are like minded in their walk with God, who are there to hold you both accountable, and to pray for you. People to spend time with in bible study, etc.

webacus · Posted: Tue Feb 08, 2005 9:28 am Post subject:

majordel
Welcome, and thank you for the post.

While this must be a very difficult time, I want to encourage you to keep moving forward-- I see several positive things.

First, you're a Godly man and you've taken the situation to God. Remain in prayer, and as hard as it is, trust Him with this and seek his discernment.

Secondly, both of you are not afriad of counseling. I hope you and your wife will continue, as needed.

And you say "We have no conflicts (outside of this), no infidelity issues, no family interference issues and no financial issues... no mention of divorce..." That is positive.

Is your wife a Believer? You say 'she is not there yet' ...

What do you think your father-in-law meant by these questions?

majordel · Newbie Joined: 07 Feb 2005 Posts: 7

First of all, I would like to thank SAM and webacus for your heart-felt responses. This is a very difficult time for me but I am increasing my intimacy with our HEAVENLY FATHER.

You both ask very similar questions and here are my responses.
1. Yes, I am happy to share with you that my wife is a Believer. She is still a babe in the journey. She has not displayed, demonstrated or "truly" depended on her growth relationship with GOD that accompanies Believers that have been in the trenches.

2. In responses to "going to church". She is still trying to overcome some issues with attending corporate worship. She has issues with being in environments where she has not developed any trust and belief. She sometimes think that some of the worshippers are too goody and not sincere. In the five years that we have been together, I have seen her go to church on her own once or twice.

3. So, in regards to associating with other young married couples, mentors and more christian based activities, she is not ready to "jump" into the water. This is one of the areas that I know will help us, but she just is not ready. Her circle of friends does not have many married members, were as for me, the majority of my circle is married.

4. What my father-in-law meant was, you promised and you have delivered on every promise and committment that you have made to her. The men that she has dated in the past, pale in comparison. I have met and exceeded what he wished for as a son-in-law for his daughter.

5. My wife and I only saw one (marriage counselor) together (one time and a very painful experience for me). Otherwise, we saw separate counselors. My wife's counselor is the one who got my wife to start to identify some areas of repression (holding things in so not to hurt my feelings).

6. "Alone time" for my wife is time for her to visit with her friends out of town and time in her apartment with anyone around.

Carebbean

Majordel

Praise God that you have Him in your sights and sites!

Here's my take on your situation (simply based on your side of the story):

There seems to be several issues that have possibly have been going on for some time in your wife's life. I won't begin to name them because I (or any of us) am not a counselor nor do I know her side of the story. but it's obvious that there is stuff being stuffed.

Here's the deal: give her space while keeping your vows to cherish, nurture, love and being there for her, through think and thin. Remember those? We usually really don't understand them or remember we said them.

BUT .... boundaries must be discussed if separation is the path she wants to take (emotionally or physically). By discussing boundaries, you demonstrate confidence, strength, leadership and consequence-management while she hopefully will realize that she has a man of God who is following biblical guidelines for marital relationships (I could quote tons of scripture here, but you probably already know them).

Not sure of what boundaries should look like? There's good news ahead!

Every woman really wants a man with those characteristics, Majordel - believe it! In fact, God designed both women and men to desire that in a mate.

Read this exciting and awesome (I rarely use that word loosely any more) book written by Dr. James Dobson entitled "Love Must Be Tough" (Multnomah,Sisters, Or). In it, Dobson speaks of indications and symptoms of a mate who looses respect for their spouse, among other things. I'll bet (drawing lots, as the Bible says) this book will have a huge impact on both you and your wife - albeit that she may not be willing to read it. But if she did read it, she may recognize that someone understands her plight and that may be just what she needs to begin opening up to you or her counselor more.

Specifically for you, the book will help you gain even more confidence and skill in this ever-challenging area of managing a marriage by God's perfect design! As you know, He doesn't want this five-year commitment to end -especially if you are both believers.

Space, time, boundaries, consequences and .... try not to smother or evaluate her growth by imposing yourself causing intrusion. God never forced anyone to make a choice - influenced with patience, yes .. but forced,no. So who are we to force anybody to do anything they don't want to do? We can only lovingly set boundaries and consequences while praying that they will make the God-honoring choice.

" ... and that's all I have to say about that!" (Gump)

Prayerful Blessings on you

majordel · Newbie Joined: 07 Feb 2005 Posts: 7

Carebbean

Thank you for your words and solid insights.

You are on target with you observations. I guess I painted a pretty accurate picture. My wife does have some issues that have been repressed for some time. Her counselor has helped her unlock and discover some of those areas. And I guess that some of those areas have been painful for my wife because she has temporarily stop going to counseling (one of her issues is quitting when emotional things get tough).

In regards to space while keeping our vows, I am definitely keeping those in the forefront of my vision. Ironically, my counselor asked me to define my limits (boundaries) when it comes to my wife and the current "feelings" issue. I was able to articulate very clearly the limits. And this weekend, my wife and I will sit down and have discussion about our boundaries. Your points about demonstated confidence, strength, leadership and consequence management are great pickups and I have no problem communicating from these positions.

Separation and/or divorce have not come up as talking/discussion points because I believe that she does not want either. She has not had a man (boyfriend/husband) to not turn tail and run when times get tough. I have told her on occasions that "marriage is a journey not for the faint of heart but for those who cherish the joy of having a soulmate/partner for life thru thick as well as thin".

I have recently read Gary Smalley's "Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late". As a former college athlete, I immediately bonded with the book, but more importantly, it laid out a realistic gameplan for the most important action to take. That action is, a stronger, more intimate relationship with God. I will pick up Dr Dobson's book tomorrow.

I am learning NOT to smother or evaluate her growth because if I did, Satan would have a field day by trying to get me to call or go by her office, etc. I am leaving God do HIS magnificent molding of her. Last time I checked, God did NOT need any help from the sidelines. And I need to continue letting God work on me.

My most powerful position is on my knees, sending up my prayers for us as a couple.

Thanks,

Majordel

Carebbean · Posted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 3:43 pm Post subject:

majordel

Been in Germany serving at a Pastor's conference. Sorry for the delay.

I look forward to hearing your review of Dobson's book!

Blessings and strength to you

majordel · Newbie Joined: 07 Feb 2005 Posts: 7

Carebbean,
Welcome back. I have the book on order but it has not come in yet. I had a question for the group. My wife stated that it would not take a miracle for us to reconcile, but a "change in her heart". During my Bible Study one evening, a word came down from our Heavenly Father. HE shared with me the activities that HE is doing to expose my wife's heart. Those activities were/are 1) the moving of my wife's social friend to another city, 2)giving my wife's social friend a new boyfriend, 3)I have been extended at the same military installation as my wife for at least another four weeks. I see these activities, but my wife is not connecting the dots. GOD's handywork or coincidences?

majordel.

Carebbean · Posted: Thu Mar 03, 2005 9:48 am Post subject:

Majordel

OK on the book.

Based upon your wife's comments to you, it sounds like her heart is beginning to change already. Thanks for that encouragement, Lord!

As for the question regarding God's handywork or coincidences: I personally believe with all my heart that there are no coincidences that God isn't aware of and hasn't coordinated ultimately for His purpose.

Sounds really "preachy" doesn't it? But after reflecting back on 63 years of coincidences in my life, I can whole-heartedly believe my opinion. No one was a bigger skeptic about that than I used to be prior to the first time I trusted God's wisdom, promptings and "happenstances" in my life.

I must admit, there are time when I still have initial doubts of accepting coincidences as God's handywork, but it only lasts as long as it takes be to remember and point to affirmations of His graceful plan (allowing incidences to happen) in my walk.

I shake my head in wonder!

Keep your wife talking and engaged, BUT don't forget to leave some space and freedom. Again, that may very well attract her back to the marriage (and you!).

Patience ....

More Blessings to you

webacus · Posted: Thu Mar 03, 2005 2:59 pm Post subject:

Carebbean
Well said. Very Happy

majordel · Newbie Joined: 07 Feb 2005 Posts: 7

Carebbean,
I picked up "Love Must Be Tough" yesterday. Thank You. A "MUST Read" if your situation requires Tough Love.

I read the book almost cover to cover non-stop last night. I must admit, Love IS Tough but WORTH IT.

There were some major eye-openers in the reading that got my attention. 1) "The answer requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out." You must read the book to fully understand Dr Dobson's message here. I GOT IT !!!
2) The message on page 52 and for me the message on page 74-75. That message spoke directly to me. I writing a similar message conveying the same tone to my wife. It will CLEARLY place the shoe on the other foot and will be out of my normal disposition as she knows me.
3) Dr Dobson talks development of a "plan". This is where Dr Smalley's book comes in. It is the gameplan for the "victoring" spouse.

I am fully energized and properly armed to go forward. And most important, I have the ultimate SOURCE in my heart, Our LORD and SAVIOR leading the way ahead.

Thanks,
Majordel

Carebbean · Posted: Mon Mar 07, 2005 4:06 pm Post subject:

Majordel

Excellent observations! You're right on in your energy and passion to preserve your marriage by "opening the cage".

Seems odd, though, doesn't it? But it makes so much sense.

Ah ..... another awesome formula that God has in His devine design for marriage.

Tons of blessings and encouragement to finish the race, Majordel!

Now rest and let God do His best!

majordel · Newbie Joined: 07 Feb 2005 Posts: 7

Good evening my Brothers and Sisters in Christ. I would like to bring everyone up to date on our current journey. (Note: I will be rambling here, but I will try to be coherent.) I am currently stationed in Houston, TX (since 3/28 ) and my wife is stationed in Fort Hood, TX. I had not seen my wife since I left Fort Hood on 3/28. Again, honoring her request for time and space apart from each other.
She has decided to file for legal separation. She wanted to talk with me first before doing anything. We will be discussing the details during the next few days, but I believe that we are looking at period of separation of six months and then an assetment on how to proceed when the time period is up.
When she first communicated her decision (4/25) to me I was crushed emotionally and physically and yes, even spiritually. She stated that over the past four months, she did not believe that we were making any progress. Her feelings for me had not changed back and she felt in her heart that her feelings were not going to change back to when we were first married.
We both did alot of crying that day. I eventually started praying and she continued to cry as I prayed. We continued to dialogue and remain friendly toward each other for the rest of my visit. We had scheduled activities to attend as husband and wife.
I saw and felt a tremendous void being created right before my very eyes. And to add more to the "heaping coals", we have our home up for sell and a couple has agreed to buy at our listing price. I add this in because our home is the place that my wife found, wanted, and had to have...so we bought it (our first home as husband and wife).
My wife has told her parents and they have called me twice (since Wednesday) to check on my well-being because they know how much I really, really do not want this to happen.
I love my wife so, so much that I am truly beside myself. She calls to check on me on a pretty regular basis. I find myself just going thru the motions while I am at my office. I thank God for having a extreme sharp staff (they can cover for my current blind spots). I do not go thru the motions with my devotion and quiet time with the Lord. A good friend of mine (strong Christian brother) came down to my office on Friday and share some heart-felt but grounding words with me. We talked about being un-evenly yoked. We talked about spiritual maturity. We talked about God's plan versus mine. Bottomline, I had NOT let go and LET GOD do the work. I was still trying to use my might and releasing to God's will. And he was absolutely right.
Now, here is the kicker, I truly do not know how to let go of this. I want some much for my wife and I to work that God is knocking me in the head to get my attention. HE is telling me loud and clear, LET GO. HE is taking (removing) our home. Something that I point to as one of a grounding point as husband and wife. My wife is wanting me not to try to this thru this by myself. Talk to friends, family, and even her family.
I find myself crying to sleep. I see our pictures at our home or in my office or in my wallet and I am sick to my stomach. I know that I should let our Lord and Savior perform His miracles, but I am in the way.
My question is "how" to get out of my own way and Let God have His way?

majordel

Carebbean · Posted: Mon May 02, 2005 12:27 pm Post subject:

Majordel

I am so sorry to hear of these developments in your marriage. I am sad for you, Brother. It is obvious that you love your wife very much.

It will not be easy letting go. It will take time and counseling (albeit friends, family and - preferably - professional counseling to heal your wounds.

I am encouraged that you are praying when you could be running from God, instead.

I had an incredible challenge raising my daughter by myself (for 18 years). I remember throwing up my hands and "letting go" about the time she was 13 years old. I distinctly remember being on a 4-mile walk in the morning, crying and in deep despair. It was then that I envisioned God walking backwards as I walked forward - I placed my daughter in His outstretched arms and confessed my inability to raise her on my own. "I failed, God. Please take her and raise her but use me to do your will for her."

The vision was real to me, Majordel - absolutely real! That released me for some reason. I let go!

I don't know if that will or can happen to you but I wanted to encourage you that God knows what's going on in your marriage and if He wants you to let go, then put it all on His shoulders and in His arms. Can you picture that?

You will still grieve; feel the pain of hurt, anger and failure just as I did and as many others have. By allowing yourself to experience those feelings and emotions, God will build your character in preparation for His next plan for you.

As we said earlier in our exchanges, if your wife has made up her mind to end this marriage, only one option exists. The Bible addresses the issue of abandonment by a spouse as grounds for divorce. According to your witness of your postings, that is evidently the case.

Now, work on your ownership of the problems and shortcomings that led to this dissolution and seek forgiveness from her for your part. That will be critical if you truly want to follow God’s future plans for you. Ownership.

As a divorced man, I want to encourage you to "stay the course" of relying on God for the direction of your next journey.

"This, too, shall pass!"

Double blessings

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