Wife and I just can't seem to make it work!!!

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 312 Location: In Prayer

Very, very interesting.
Seems like the next two weeks will not be easy. How are you feeling God can help you handle these suggestions?

CMcC · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2006 Posts: 53

I can't even begin to address all the issues. So I'll do this briefly.

Get the book: My Father's Child by Lynda Elliot and Vicki Tanner. There is also a workbook from
http://www.committedtofreedom.com/ for those who have been sexually abused. If at all possible, see if there is a local class for survivors of abuse. You both would benifit. Sounds like you would benifit from the book: My Father's Child.

The books are very difficult to do alone. If at all possible, find someone (a trusted pastor, counselor, friend) to go through the books with both of you. I personally find it helpful if that person has gone through abuse and has worked through it....they're more understanding as to what we go through... Be careful where you get your help from.

Just in case you are in the area, our local group is at www.journeytototalfreedom.com

I'm so sorry the two of you are going through this. I can't stress enough that there is hope, and it can get better. I've been dealing with the affects of abuse all my life... those books with the local class was absolutely essential to me. It's a healing process, so it does take time. If you both are willing to work at it, God will transform your lives and marriage in ways you never thought possible.

If there are no local classes, I would be willing to go through the books with [u]you and your wife[/u]. PM me if you are interested.

WorkingwithGod · Junior Member Joined: 22 Oct 2006 Posts: 27

The next 2 weeks will be very challenging. I had dinner with a friend last night who challenged me to be what she needs for the next month without getting upset. No pressure of any sort. If she starts an argument or starts a fight, then simply just walk away. So thats the plan.
She has read many books on abuse and has done 2 years of counselling working through issues. She is halfway through a book she is writing about her life and i have read the section of 4 years to 13 years which was her worse. Made me feel like i couldnt possibly be the right person God has for her. I just dont know how to handle all of that. But then he reminded me that it wasn't about me.
We have so many issues to work through and i'm not even sure if we do get through them whether we can ever repair the damage that we both have done to each other over the last 8 months. She said herself, that its only a miracle now that we can work. I didnt sleep much at all last night trying to work out how to make it work and i dont know. I will just give it God and continue to do what he says i need to do.

CMcC · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2006 Posts: 53

You're right, her past abuse is not about you. However, it affects your daily life with her. I've told my husband what I remember about my past. Through the class, I've begun to remember much more. It's not that my husband can fix anything, and it's not about him, but it does affect him. He has a better understanding of why I do the strange things I do. He is left speechless when I tell him things about my past....he doesn't know how to help. But the thing is, I don't need him to fix it, I need his shoulder to cry on, to be someone who I can finally trust. No, he doesn't have all the answers....but he can be encouraging and supportive. That's probably why you ARE the right person for her. As for walking away...I don't know. Yes, some distance is needed at times for cooling down and speaking with a clear head. However, ignoring the situation can make things even worse. I've been there picking fights long enough to know that many times it's because I'm hurting. I need (fill in the blank), don't know how to get it, feel rejected, push whoever away. Then, I'm even more alone, have no one to trust, etc.... The cycle can start without a word.....like this:

The kids leave their dirty clothes all over the floor. I think: they don't respect me, no one appreciates me, why do I even try, no one loves me, they would all be better off without me..... This continues throughout the day adding more reasons as to what is wrong with me and my whole life. Then my husband comes home and says he needs me to wash the whites because he has no socks.... This sounds like an all out war to me because in my mind I already know I'm not appreciated and my DH thinks I do nothing around the house because he has no socks....

How are you going to walk away from something like that? Your wife may be needing encouragement and support. She may have some stress that she needs to vent about (but not have you actually fix...) Does this make any sense? I had no idea about why I was like the way I was till I went through that class with those 2 books. I'm working through it now.... Could your wife be going through this process? AND what happens the next few weeks when you are not perfect? You must not be trying hard enough....right? We can't change others, just OUR responses.

Now, would you believe me if I told you God can heal anything? If God can heal my 17 years of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse....why could he not heal your marriage? God can heal her past abuse. God can heal your past abuse. God can heal your marriage. Continue to give it to God, He will never lead you wrong.

My Father's Child book can be applied to all abuses (emotional, physical and sexual) which is why I recomend the book for YOU as well as her. In an earlier post you mentioned something about triggers....this book covers that as well. YOu can't fix her, and she can't fix you. However, let God fix you....then he may use you to help her.

WorkingwithGod · Junior Member Joined: 22 Oct 2006 Posts: 27

thanks for your words of encouragement. When i was talking about walking away, it was more of not getting defensive and rather than aruging with her, just not getting involved in the discussion. Usually its about me when this happens. I admit when she says how she feels (right then at that moment) I hear that she feels that way, always has, and always will and is going to do something about it. I am learning not to think that way. Its a lot easier when she is not talking about something i have done. I feel like she can say whatever she likes to me and i can't tell her what really happens, but if the shoe is the other way and i tell her how i feel, she gets defensive and tells me how it really is. So we end up having this word of words because none of us actually feel heard or acknowledged.
After reading 'Love and Respect', I really made an effort to think to myself, are you feeling unloved when she reacted and it helped. I also tried to tell her i felt disrespected and we talked this thru with our counsellor. She started to read the book and got 2 chapters in and said i just cant get into it. This book was life changing to me and it made sense. Our marriage has always been husbands must love their wives and when their wives feel loved, then they can love back. I told her that that wasnt the way and it wasnt until that book that she finally realised and after her counsellor telling her.
I can see i need to try and have fun, stop stressing about everything and try to be there for her as i havent in the past. I find it so hard when doing that plays with all my 'triggers' from my past and i start to feel why should i do that for you when you dont do anything for me. its not a christian attitude and i know i need to work on that.

WorkingwithGod · Junior Member Joined: 22 Oct 2006 Posts: 27

I'm so lost today. Every time i try to talk to her, she is angry with me. It's like taking a hit every time i try to connect. She tells me i need to sort things out with my dad so i can stop being triggered by my past and start to treat her as she should be treated instead of how my dad treated my mum (ie harshly, angry etc). I start to get annoyed because she doesnt sort her things out on her end and is not accountable to me to work anything out but she puts pressure on me to sort my stuff out so i dont get triggered by the way she treats me. Surely there is a responsibility to each other? She certainly doesnt think so.
I dont know how to be connected with her while she is so anti me. I said to her that it would be better to sort out my dad stuff when we are a bit more together and she replied well if you get your stuff sorted with your dad, you may stop getting triggered and start to treat me better. Makes me get annoyed as what about the other way? how about sorting out your stuff so you dont get triggered and treat me the way the bible says to treat your husband? Well she says you made a committment to give me time without pressure and you havent done that so start doing it now and i dont have to do anything for you when you havent hold your end of the bargain??? help!!!

CMcC · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2006 Posts: 53

Well, the fact that you posted about the time limit being unfair is good. You already know it is unfair and UNREALISTIC. The effects from abuse linger....healing is a process, it doesn't happen overnight. Maybe you can explain to your wife that the abuse you suffered is just as difficult to deal with as hers. While the abuse is different, it still causes you pain and obviously affects BOTH of your lives. So rather than just fixing it so you can be mister perfect (which will never happen even when you have dealt with your issues).... you also deserve time to work things out. Neither one of you got like this overnight, and it's going to take awhile to let God heal it all. No one likes to be angry all the time. If you could have fixed all your issues years ago on your own, you would have done it by now. But the reality of it is....we weren't designed to fix those problems on our own. God is the only one who can truly fix our broken lives.... But many abuse victims have 1 question that gets in the way of letting God heal our past. Can you guess that question?

Why did God let this happen to me? (Or some variation of Why didn't he stop it?) Through the book I've told you about, you learn why, etc. Then you get to the step of: Okay, I know how I got here. I know where I want to be. But how do I get there?

Growing up in abusive homes we aren't usually given the tools we need to begin such a transformation....and apart from God, our efforts are useless.

I still strongly suggest that book for you. You do a chapter a week, which takes 11 weeks to get through. You can't heal your triggers until you've dealt with other issues first. I suggest using the syllabus on the www.journeytototalfreedom.com under schedule to read the book.

You'll see a big difference...and so will she when true healing has begun. Get your Bible. Get My Father's Child. Work on healing yourself while encouraging your wife. Wouldn't that be amazing if God healed you both at the same time! Or maybe He's waiting for you to lead her to healing. It's so weird, I see you at a Y in the road. This feels like an impossible situation to you, but you are actually in the middle of a blessing! God is working so hard in both of your lives to bring you closer to Him and to each other. Wow, how amazing!

Psalm 37:5
Psalm 34:17-19
2 Corinthians 4:8-9
Psalm 147:3
Psalm 94:19
Psalm 55:17

WorkingwithGod · Junior Member Joined: 22 Oct 2006 Posts: 27

I can see what you are saying. What happens when she refuses to do any sort of study together, won't admit any problem on her behalf? She believes she has her things sorted in regards to her abuse and our problems relate to me not her. So anything i can do, i will do. The question i have is if it takes two to connect, and only one is willing to acknowledge fault and do something to correct it according to the bible and the words of wise christian leaders, whats the next step?
All my family and friends think it just won't work as she is unwilling to take responsibility for anything. All the books i read relate to the two working things out together. The pastor at the church believes we should work things out togther. The counsellor and my wife believe that she doesnt need to be accountable to me at all and i need to sit back and let her do what she needs to do in her terms and her time.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

WorkingwithGod,

I have been loosely following this. You are in my thoughts for some reason, and it is on my heart to tell you that your wife wants to hear from you the reasons why you married her

CMcC · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2006 Posts: 53

Whoa, she doesn't have to be accountable to you? As in she can act a certain way because she is hurt from her past? That's ridiculous! Since when, anywhere is society, do we let others disrespect us like that? Let her work on herself, but she needs to at least be human towards you. We teach our children it's not okay to yell, scream, hit etc when they are angry.... And if they do, they know the consequences....they are held accountable for their actions as we are as adults.

My husband is not a Christian. He doesn't pretend to be and has many doubts about God. He's not sure there is even a God, and He doesn't believe Jesus is God's Son. He doesn't attend church with me and picks at me for my faith. When going through this class for abuse, He contributed my change in being social with others....not God. Sooooo, my husband wasn't exactly someone I could work things out together with. Wink

Do you know where I am going with this? Maybe working the abuse part of it out together isn't an option at this point. What worked for me was healing myself. Everything is easier with God on your side. When one side of a couple is changed, the other can't help but notice. Things are changed despite the other one resisting. She'll be curious about your change. It will be easier to be around her. Rather than seeing her as the enemy who is holding your marriage back....you'll "feel sorry for her" and reach out to help her.... You may not be someone who she can talk with right now when it includes abuse issues.

Could the two of you try to just be civil towards each other. Then set aside a date convient for the two of you. Say next Thursday at 7 pm you'll sit down and discuss things. (Not accuse one another.) At 9 pm discussion is closed. Talk about yourself rather than what she is doing or not doing. Tell her how much you miss spending quality snuggle time with her. How it pains you to see her hurt... etc. Tell her specifically how you are working on bettering yourself. Make sure to really hear her when she speaks. If she's hurt, hear she's hurt instead of taking it as an attack. You can only change yourself and how you react to her. When she sees a change, she'll be curious.

Take a break from working on fixing yourself and your marriage. One afternoon take her for a picnic. Circle a place on a map, put it on the fridge, when she asks about it, wink...and tell her to be ready at whatever time. Enjoy each other. When you constantly think about bad things, that's what you become. So connect with her by holding her hand and saying the day you two got married was the best day ever.... Connect with her by picking up her favorite ice cream and sticking a I love you note to it.... It doesn't have to be much, just letting her know that you are thinking of her in a good way will do wonders. Give a hug because she enters the room. Smile at her. Share your cookie with her. Look her in the eyes and say thank you. Connect with her as the woman you fell in love with.... not the wife that you need to work things out with.

Edited to say I agee with rdsmith3. Very well put. Wink

WorkingwithGod · Junior Member Joined: 22 Oct 2006 Posts: 27

I'm very nervous about letting go and trying to love her in the way you have described. She doesnt believe her abuse is a factor in our marriage. She believes my ways have made her retreat inside because she can't deal with things and now she needs time to work this through with God with no pressure or accountability or any sort of heavy talk. I have agreed to this as i dont feel i have a choice and its worth a go. What i have found hard is i can't tell her when i dont think her attitude or words are valid, but she can tell me and gets upset when i tell her thats not fair.
As far as going on a picnic, we also have huge debt and i'm working long hours to pay the bills and provide for the family. None of the childrens parents pay child support so its all up to me. I took this job so we could survive and that decision which she agreed to, she is now telling me that the kids dont spend anytime with me ( i work weekends and have time off during the week). With her allergies, we dont go anywhere as she gets reactions to any chemicals in the air, we dont eat out so no dinner dates as she can't eat anything from a restaruant. She has a huge fear of germs and spiders so almost anything outdoors is a problem. Even flowers may have been sprayed. Date nights have always turned into arguments so she lately has been going out with friends so she has a little fun times rather than going out with me. IF we do go out, its to the movies because we cant go anywhere else. Every direction we go, theres pressure and stress.
We have been argung so much we hardly even touch anymore. We dont say we love each other. She has told me recently that its only a miracle that we will stay together. I used to have the spark and the desire to stay but its fading. I really am starting to see more negative than positive and i'm not so sure about it all.
I want to make it work. I'm not sure why with all the things which are impossible, but i still do. I still believe God has things planned for us. None of this situation is what I wanted for my life but if i step back and see what God wants instead of me, then life seems to make more sense. She said to me, i never asked to be abused but God put me in that space for a reason, and this situation is part of Gods plan too.
I said to the counsellor we walk on paralell roads and theres no bridge.
I will pray about the things you have said and tell her why i feel in love with her. Maybe God has me planned to break the cycle. Very hard but with Gods help, we can do the impossible

CMcC · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2006 Posts: 53

First things first

WorkingwithGod · Junior Member Joined: 22 Oct 2006 Posts: 27

I may have misinterpreted what my wife said in regards to God and her abuse. What she meant was that she believes although God didnt put her in that situation, she believes she can write about that and some of the other things that have happened to her in her life into a book to help others. She believes that God wants her to write this book and be involved in a ministry which helps young girls with abuse, eating disorders and other problems.
I spent all day yesterday remembering why I married her. I need to keep praying for God to help me in regards to my marriage. It has to be a choice to do the right thing. I feel so alone and lost that there is no connection at all between us now. To not talk about how we feel is another control element and the more i think about how it is, i realise that she cannot cope without things her way. Thats what she has been taught to cope with her past so in order to live with this, i either need to be a doormat and do what she says no matter what, or stick up for myself and fight all the time, leave or hand it over to God. Can God change someone who believes that what they are doing is totally ok and refuses to see anything different? I know God can work on peoples hearts but in order for this to be anything normal, she would need to change from what she has now become into something totally different again. She has spent 2 years of counselling to become someone that speaks her mind and lets someone else worry about whether she offends or not, she does what she needs to do without accountabiltity on anyone else, she doesnt adher to the word of God, just God's voice, she will not take direction from anyone. So in order to let God change her into someone kind, loving and compassionate (ie Proverbs 31), she would need to change from who she has become to cope once again. And i just can't see that ever happening.
She always says how she never had this problems with her past relationships. I didnt either but i can see that she hasnt been in a relationship since she changed either. This christian counsellor takes a pyshcological view to healing. He doesnt pray during a session and its all about taking time to work through things instead of letting go, doing what needs to be done and let God give you the power to do it. Jump off the cliff and let Jesus take the weight and support you. Her way is she needs to work through the issues with her and God first and when she is ok and comfortable then without pressure she will carry on. All the time having no accountabiltity to anyone else but herself.
I can see what you are saying and my faith just isnt up to what it should be now to see what God could do. I used to believe that God would work us out and we will be amazingly happy, have the best sex of our lives and be in harmony together. I just cant see that anymore. I thought i heard God tell me these things but i dont know if it was God anymore. Maybe it was just me trying to believe it. When i have said these things to my wife, she has just said oh, and continued on the 'I can't comment on that right now', or 'I can't see how it will ever work'.
My mind is now starting to drift back to relationships i used to have and how easy they were and i'm praying each day to stop that. I used to think that God was putting me through this to refine me and bring me into a new person that he wants me to be. That could be true, but i just dont see how that and my marriage can possibly work together.
Her 1st part of the book was written from 4 - 13. She is now writing about her life from 13 to now. Her 3rd part was to be how we worked through our stuff and got through it. Maybe her 3rd part was how she couldnt get through it and how she handled life as a result?

CMcC · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2006 Posts: 53

Can God change someone who believes that what they are doing is totally ok and refuses to see anything different?

Only if she allows God to do it. When we try to do things on our own ... we can't see how we hurt others and tend to make a bigger mess. People who have been abused loose their voice. It's very difficult to find it again. Sounds like she found it, but when you are learning to be the 'new you', you tend to go to extremes.... There is a fine tuning process that continues as you heal. And you're right, as long as she doesn't see a problem with herself, she's not going to change. The books I mentioned earlier are bible based. This is what I recommend for the both of you. But don't work on it together. Not at this point. Find a different counselor that has used this book. I think it would make a HUGE difference as it teaches bible principles for daily living as well as healing past abuse. I've used alot of what I learned in those books to talk with you. She and you can get past all this, but it's going to be a lot of work for both of you. Remember, as Christians we aren't promised a perfect life....but God promises to never leave us. I'm praying for you and your wife.

WorkingwithGod · Junior Member Joined: 22 Oct 2006 Posts: 27

I know I can't change her. But i can't live with her in this present way either. We both know we can't be like this for much longer. We are thinking about separating again but i'm not sure whether that would do much to help. I just can't carry on like this. And its not fair to the kids either

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