When the MAN is cheated upon....

Empty Shell of a Man · Junior Member Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 27

when the man is cheated upon, it can be far, far worse. I know that any woman reading this will quickly disagree, for her pain feels immeasurable, and I DO NOT minimize anyone's pain....here is my thought...

When a woman is cheated upon, everyone has sympathy for her. Men feel sorry for her, and women bond with her quickly. It has to help.

BUT, when a man is the victim, something terrible happens:

Men begin to look down on him...like he is a loser who could not keep his wife satisfied

Women don't want him. They have this feeling that he is a low testosterone weakling who is not appealing to them at all, unless they are looking for that lost puppy type of a man.

A man, it seems, is better keeping it to himself.

So terrible, but I remember a woman once telling me that after she was cheated on, that she hoped, one day, to find a man who had been cheated on, so he could understand her pain. I have to admit thinking that this would be the wrong kind of man for her....too weak; couldn't hold on to his wife, etc.

Now, I am that man.

Other men view me as less of a man....I feel inferior, especially to the man my wife secretly saw and sent notes and e-mails and cookies to; and, to be honest, just about every other man I now meet....

I wouldn't want a woman to know. If I were single due to this, I wouldn't want to tell a woman who might be interested in me; for she would likely view me as weak and soft.

So, I think it is harder to recover for the man for this reason, and....of course, the major reason:

most men cheat with their bodies and most women cheat with their hearts...

so, even though my wife did not allow her body to be used (held close is bad enough for me to fathom) but she was drawn to him with her heart. It feels unforgettable.

Today, i want so badly to leave her. Other than last summer, she is a wonderful woman. Her repentance is as true as any repentance I have ever seen. She allows me to talk as much as I ask (though I stop myself because it might not ever end and I am afraid I will drive her away, even though she says it would be impossible).

I want to leave to stop the pain, even though I know if I left, I would think of her every waking moment (and never sleep).

Lord, deliver me from this torment.

I feel like nothing.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1889 Location: Chicago

Welcome - I pray that the Lord will ease your pain and that you can draw from His strength to walk you through this time.

I also pray that you and your wife will find a way to seek out counseling for your situtation. Emotional affair or sexual affair, the pain is still great and you need to dig down to the root of what lead her down this path. Without doing so, you'll never discover what boundaries need to be established so this does not happen again and where she is feeling vulnerable in your relationship. Also, you need it to help with your pain and feelings of betrayal and to help you get to a place where you can trust her again.

I don't necessarily agree with your assessment of how other men feel about your situation - that's a pretty broad generalization.

Your wife made a choice to remove her heart from your marriage - that's her choice and has nothing to do with your manhood and ability or inability to satisfy her sexually. It sounds like this began as an emotional attachment that starts with lots of talking, inappropriate sharing and keeping secrets. And when that takes place in a woman, that is what eventually leads to a sexual attachment -sometimes. The emotional attachment has very little to do with sex or lack thereof.

As for not being able to talk to "other" men about this out of embarrassment, maybe you're sharing with the wrong men. I know my husband has some close male Christian friends and I would be extremely surprised if he received this type of response from them. As for co-workers or family members, I don't think he would share this with them because of their secular/wordly view of things which is a bit scewed based on your comments.

RJ · Newbie Joined: 09 Jan 2008 Posts: 8

Hi,
I understand where you are coming from. I don't think it matters though. A woman might been seen as not being able to satisfy her husband. My husband tells me that the reason for his adulteries were not me but his own sexual addictions, but I still wonder. At least, your wife did not commit adultery with her body. That is what is so hard for me. When we were married, we were to be one flesh. That has been shattered. It doesn't matter to me that these were so called one-night stands of sorts with women out of town. It is the fact that he lived two lives and that I didn't have a clue. That's what scares me now. How can a person live like that? How can I trust him -ever-? He says he has changed. How can I trust that it will last? Since he has not had consequences (except with his feelings of guilt over hurting me), won't that make it easy to revert back. That is what I live with. He was VERY good at lying. He did not come to me and confess. God made it possible for me to find out. I won't talk to any of my friends about this. I don't want their pity. I know that they love me and would go out of their way to help me. I just would rather them not know. I would then feel so awkward around them. I don't want that. I know we need to find a marriage counselor but am afraid of what I hear is out there. He wants to go to counseling to help me. Has anyone heard about being able to go and have a lie detector test done? He says he has told me everything - believe me it's horrible -. I just don't trust him. What able 5, 10 15 years down the road? Of course he's good now. Has he really changed? This is what torments me. Please do not think that I am saying that since your wife did not give her body that you should not feel betrayed with what she did do. It's just at this point, with what my husband has done I think your marriage has a greater chance. It matters, believe me. Does your situation hurt you less than mine does me? NO WAY!!!!!!!We're shattered. It's not easy going through the day with all that in our minds. I am trying to push bad thoughts away and replace them with positive thoughts. Easy? No. I am trying to do what God wants me to do. I believe if I do that then he will bless me with strength, comfort, joy and mostly peace. I struggle. I do find that with each day comes more time in between the thoughts. It's hard when everything screams sex, T.V., movies, and the news. I will pray for you. Please pray for me. I will be gone for a while. We are having to reset our e-mails and will not be able to post on my existing server. I will come back. I need this. Thank you for listening. RJ

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1889 Location: Chicago

RJ · Newbie Joined: 09 Jan 2008 Posts: 8

Thank you Sam. Please forgive me, Shell of a Man, if I have overshadowed your post. It's just unbelieveable how freeing this site is. It just helps to type it out, as I'm sure you know. Sam, how is your friend doing? Has counseling helped her? Especially being the betrayed one. How does she cope with feelings of the shock of it? If I don't answer it's because they clicked my e-mail offline. We are going to cable for our internet and they say we will need to get new addresses. Bye. Again many thanks. RJ

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1889 Location: Chicago

They have made it - it took about two years of solid counseling.
She said to me awhile back, that she wouldn't wish this on anyone, but in the end they have worked on issues and boundaries for him that should have been worked on in the beginning. The pain was intense, but the outcome through therapy has made their marriage much stronger in the process. She said it's surprising that she can say the affair was a good thing.

RJ · Newbie Joined: 09 Jan 2008 Posts: 8

That is one thing that keeps coming up in my mind. Perhaps God allowed this to come out now because of years we have had together. HE has brought my husband to his knees, to make a clean slate with his life. He says he feels like he is still waiting for the hammer to drop because of all the wrongs he has committed. He wonders how can God really forgive him? God has unbeliveable patience with his children. Sometimes it takes a good jolt to wake us up. Hopefully he sees this as his jolt. I just want to get to the point that I don't wonder all the time about everything. I've been pretty surprised at how I've handled all of this. My husband sees it as God's mercy shining through me. I rely heavily on HIM. What can I change about the past? Nothing. I can, however, deal with today. Only with God's amazing strength and tenderness for me. RJ

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1889 Location: Chicago

Reading through Luke the other day and this verse stuck with me, so I will pass it on.

Luke 11:11-13

You fathers - if your children ask for a fish, do you give them a snake instead? Or, if they ask for an egg, do you given them a scorpion? Of course not!

So, if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him.

RJ · Newbie Joined: 09 Jan 2008 Posts: 8

Shell of a Man,

I first want to say how sorry I am for not really responding to your post. Please do not feel like you are nothing. I see you as a very strong man. You are dealing with so much right now. DO NOT doubt your self worth. In my book it takes a strong man or woman to stay when they do not trust in their spouse and their heart is broken. I agree with Sam that any one who would view you in such a manner is the wrong type to be talking to. I certaintly don't believe you should feel inferior to the other guy. From all I have read from your posts, your wife loves you and wants you. Remember that. She cares for YOU. Some people I understand when they are discovered leave because they cannot deal with the guilt they have caused the ones they truly love. At least she is still there. I do understand the humiliation, pain that is so sharp that it's hard to breathe, the isolation ( I will not tell anyone I know), nightmares, triggers that cause the heart to suddenly stop in mid beat which literally hurts, trying to love a person you have had so much trust in, fearing that they could do this again. I have to constantly work in tearing down barriers between my husband and I. All of this was inflicted on us and it is so unfair. What else can we do? Stay or go. We can either let this defeat us and we would never have a chance to heal because it would always be there even if we left. The other choice is to stay and grow stronger as a person. I happen to know that if nothing else is gained, I have learned that I like myself. What someone else does, doesn't define ME. Even the person who I have trusted and shared my life with. You do not stike me as being a shell of a man. A shell of a man wouldn't care enough to even try. He would have just given up. You still talk of your wife very lovingly. She's a very lucky woman. Sounds like to me she's knows this. I too have a spouse who loves me and cares for me. He knows he's lucky too. Lean on God. That's what I do. There will be bad days coming but hopefully they will be fewer and farther apart for us. Keep talking to us. We care. This has really helped me. It's what I need. Take care. RJ

lovestarbucks · Newbie Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 1

I read your post and it is very sad. It saddens me that you feel empty, less of a man, and inferior. True, your wife gave her heart to another man and I can relate to this situation because I did the same thing when I was separated from my husband. However, I honestly think that you are allowing the devil to have a stronghold on you and that you are literally believing his lies.

Regardless of emotional or sexual cheating, sin is SIN! What your wife did hurt you very much and it is very normal to grieve the loss of your once happy marriage. It is alright to experience depression, sadness, frustration, humiliation, anger and betrayed. Yet, it is in your own interest to seek Christian counseling for yourself as well as for your marriage. Only through the grace of God will you be able to trust your wife again. But our God is a powerful God who can redeem your marriage and restore what was dead into something totally ALIVE and BEAUTIFUL!!!

How we respond to pain has a major impact on our future. You can make the choice to never deal with your pain, bury it, hide from it and not attempt to work through this entire ordeal. Or you can actively choose to believe Gods promises that He can make something good out of something bad, that He can give you strength to carry on (Phil. 4:13) and rebuild your marriage.

No matter how tormented you feel about your wife giving herself emotionally to another man, God is walking with you and holding out His hand for you to grab on and allow Him to direct you to His plan and divine
path that He created just for you. Have faith that all things work for the good of God, that better and brighter days are ahead of you. God can use this horrible experience to mold you into the Godly man that He designed you to be. Have faith and get into the word. Pray to God for His strength to help restore your marriage.

I believe that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE with God. Although I may have experienced negative experiences in my marriage that led me to give my heart and body to another man, I now have seen God do awesome and wonderful things in my husbands life. My marriage is moving towards reconciliation and restoration because my husband chooses to trust in God. Maybe trusting me will take some serious time, but I thank God that my husband is at least trusting in Jesus Christ to restore my marriage.
We are seeking marriage counseling through a Christian woman in our church and it truly is helping us work out serious and deep issues. I am taking a leap of faith to trust that Jesus is going to turn my marriage around. It does not matter where I have been, what we have gone through or how horrible things used to be in my marriage. What matters is that my husband and I are being obedient now to change our attitudes, look at one another in Gods eyes and allow God and the Holy Spirit to move in our marriage. I have to give God all the control. It can be scary at times, but I know deep in my heart that my God is for me, for my marriage and for restoration. I praise God today for His wonderful ways!

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1889 Location: Chicago

Lovestarbucks -
So glad that you have joined us and are so willing to share your journey with others here at GT Community. It sounds like an amazing story that can and will inspire others to work toward healing and reconciliation.

My prayers are with you and your husband and for protection over your marriage.

Psalm1 · Newbie Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 1

Dear Sir,
I am so sorry for your loss...It may seem like an odd comment but you must realize that there is a season of grieving that we all go through after an experience like this. Something has died and we must let our hearts release the sadness, hurt and disappointment. The bible says that unless a seed falls to the ground and dies it will not bear fruit (paraphrased). Well, this seed has died but you must remember that God is the God who resurrected Jesus and He will do the same for your marriage. I also believe this is a time to severe all generational curses...(Kim Daniels/Alice Smith have great books on deliverance.)

Leaving is not an option that the Lord is offering to you so don't run. You sound like a man that loves his wife...hold on. God will not allow you to be shamed. I know you may feel like you have been shamed but God will use this situation for your good and His glory. Many of those people you feel may be looking down on you will some day come to you and seek out prayer and/or encouragement. Many people watch us as we go through situations and they have a chance to see God through our behavior.

Right now you should focus on your relationship with the Lord and the relationship with your wife. I would encourage you to pray about meeting with a christian counselor so that you both can work through this process not just try to get past it. God is not in the business of destroying His children so know that He is going to bring you out of this...with an awesome testimony.

Be encouraged, the Lord is going to work this out, you must hold on to Him and act in obedience to His every command. Practically you also need some male support (Christian Man/Men of integrity). Be very careful with whom you share your heart with as the enemy is looking for any open door. Women may be understanding but you can be come dependant on someone and create another situation that will be hard on everyone.

Try not to replay the tape of this situation in your thoughts...have some scriptures on forgiveness and God's promises on hand for tough moments. Forgive each moment this comes up in your spirit then the enemy does not have an open door to torment you. Also, take godly inventory...who does God say you are? You need to have scriptures that you can memorize and recite when the enemy tries to cut you down. The man that your wife cheated with is not better than you...he made his self available to the enemy.

Try to replace the lie of the enemy with the TRUTH, I believe this will aid in the healing process...and it is a process so don't give up too quickly. I pray that the Lord would heal and restore your marriage making it better than you could ask or hope for!

Empty Shell of a Man · Junior Member Joined: 11 Oct 2007 Posts: 27

thank you for all the kind replies, rebukes, and wisdom. Really.

How strange it is for me to share these things with those who have never known or met me!

Our small town precludes us from counseling. It is really small.

How small?

We put a deposit on a puppy and have been waiting 2 months. The breeder finally called me and said that she might not sell to me because someone in my area called her and told her that I once had a dog that ran away. She called the Sheriff, Town Hall, Animal Control, etc, to do a background check. We came out clean. She offered to give us back the money. A very "ethical breeder".

It is THAT small. We know ever single counselor from our jobs....

By the way, when I told the Breeder to go ahead and refund the $1,000 for the Shepherd, she said that she felt better talking to me and would agree to sell, but would probably have someone in the area "keep an eye out for me".

I told her with that suspicion I was not interested in purchasing from her and we would drive down and pick up the money. She kept me on the phone long enough to talk about how the woman that called her was inconsistent and wrong and how glad she is to sell me.

phoney as a three dollar bill.

anyway, that describes how small the town is. She did not want to go to a counselor but just wanted us to talk, talk talk ourselves; like we always have.

She has done everything expected of anyone of true repentance.

My doubts are killing me and ruining me.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1889 Location: Chicago

OK - not going for counseling will cost you what? Your marriage.
Going will cost your what? Possibly keeping your marriage?

You are scared that people will gossip? Let them gossip.

If you have to drive an hour away to find someone - your marriage depends on it. Your personal well-being depends on it.

km · Full Member Joined: 21 Dec 2007 Posts: 50

You may need to get a counselor of some sort involved. Men and women often process things differently, and each have trouble fully comprehending that the other sees something as almost entirely different. Think of all the old cliches about men being from Mars and women from Venus (or the similar analogy of cats and dogs). Two people with a problem (or a series of problems) often have additional difficulty getting past this issue. A counselor might be necessary (or infinitely helpful) in translating and being the diplomat to help get by the issue.

It may be possible to get around the small town issue by going through a distant counselor (and communicating by telephone/webcam).

I did some career counseling - mostly by telephone contact - with a counselor 1000 miles away. The counselor was in a program where she was getting an advanced certification and did the hours (initially) as a prt of her coursework, and the cost was very modest as well. Perhaps you might want to consider lookiing onto something like this.

	Growthtrac Community Forum Index -> Infidelity	All times are GMT - 6 Hours Goto page 1, 2 Next
Page 1 of 2