When it involves a child

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 174

I am in counseling and have been doing well. Tonight my teen got into it and she began hitting me. I called the police. I found out today she was suspended for verbally threatening another student and being rude to the teacher. My H came by while I spoke with her but did not sy one thing.

Arghhhh

The police spoke with my dau and was told that she cannot take much more. She's torn between me and her dad and the that he left us 3 weeks ago. She is dealing with the recent clergy abuse and trying to do well in school.

The officer stated that he hope me and H can work it out for her sake.

My H told the officer that he tried to come back but I said no. What I said was that he could not come back unless we got counseling and he said he'd go to jail before he went to counseling so that means our daughter has to get over it as we are not getting back together anytime soon.

Its hard b/c I can see what it is doing to our d, however I also see that she is less stressed when he doesn't come around

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I am continuing to pray for you, your daughter and your marriage.

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this with her. It is such a tough time. I walked through an experience with my youngest daughter being sexually assaulted by a boy at school. There is so much turmoil and anger about the situation. And, I can only recommend continued counseling for her and for yourself. Things definitely were better when we participated in counseling as a family.

Will your husband go to family counseling for her?

She is acting out her anger against you and others. And, it's important to tell her she does not have to choose between you or her dad - you both love her.

Interesting to hear what your husband told the police officer. I am proud of you for calling the police with regard to your daughter and letting her know you will not tolerate this behavior from her.

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 174

SAM,

Thank you for your prayers.

My H will not go to any counselling for her or for our family. He has placed this negative seed in our daughter's head and now she does not want counseling. She's saying what he's saying, "I'm not telling anyone my business." So we have stopped family counseling as they need willing participants.

Three different counselors have recommended that me and my husband seek help as that is part of her problem along with the clergy abuse, however my H refuses.

I will do anything to save our daughter and our marriage but not him. He has told at least two people that he moved out temporarily.

When his female co-worker's H came home this week, that is when he wanted to move back but he still does not want to go to counseling so I said no.

Instead of him asking me what happened when our daughter called him crying, he walked in and accused me of attacking her. He does not like when I lecture her. He is of few or no words when it comes to her or I but he talks his head off each day with his female co-worker/friend on his cell and text messages.

He has not called or emailed me since he left. Has only called for our dau. So that shows me how interested he is of working things out. I know he misses his space here, computer, etc. He wants convenience and I don't want a roommate. He makes it looks like its my fault he's not here when he's the one that walked out.

I'm thinking I should let him and our dau live here and I move out. They both are the same. She has learned well.

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 174

Sorry to hear of what happened with your dau. I believe my daughter is sexually active at school since the abuse. I see condoms in her purse. I tried getting her on birth control , however she will not consent and I can't make her.

She's always thinking every boy likes her and wants her body and she seems excited about that. When we talk about sex and pregnancy and STD's, she denies having sex but her journal says otherwise.

I know God sees all and I trust him, however its tough times like these that I allow myself to grow weary.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I know the easy thing would be to walk away and let them both live there but I fear your daughter would be lost. Out of shear exhaustion it seems the best thing is to simply bury your head in the sand like an ostrich and simply give up.

I want to encourage you to keep praying for your children. Fight the fight again the enemy - do not surrender your children to him. Fight, pray and pray some more.

Your children are minors - they do not have a say in decisions about their well being and emotional/mental health. That's our job - even if they are unwilling participants in counseling - they still need to go. They do not know how to help themselves.

Standing our ground is not an easy thing to do. Prayer is our best arsenal against the enemy. And, the necessary help of professionals is a must.

I walked through very painful times with my girls while in their late teens with pregnancy and promiscuity with my youngest daughter. It was so difficult to watch. I was encouraged by friends to lift my girls up to the Lord everyday. We can't solve this on our own - we definitely need the Lord's strength and wisdom. We have to ask him for it - he's very willing to provide it.

God has been faithful. They have beautiful children and both have married the fathers. They are doing well - even though it has been a very difficult, difficult road to walk with them.

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 174

I agree SAM. I will not give up on her. I called and told her that. I told her no matter what she does, she could never make me give up on her, nor stop loving her. I told her I will always be here for her and that we will get through it.

I'm sorry that her dad and I are not able to reconcile, however I know that God is here and He will bring us through. He is a deliverer and knows his children.

I think He is taking away my crutch that I had on my husband. I depended too much on him to satisfy me and fill voids that he could not fill. I am standing firm and will not sway from my original stand, he cannot come home unless he is willing to engage in counseling.

I will change counselors for my daughter although she has a trust issue against counselors. I do pray for her and will continue.

Thanks so much for your wisdom and words of encouragement.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

(((((ladyt)))))

I will continue to pray for you and your daughter. Remember God does a miracle when we least expect it. Like SAM says, keep praying. Know that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. You are not alone.

-RJ-

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

I am really sorry you are going through this pain, and that your husband is putting your daughter in the middle and not thinking of her best interests.

I pray for comfort for you and your daughter, and that the Lord will open your husband's eyes to the damage he is causing.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

It may seem like divorce is the easy solution here, but I really want to caution you that it is not. It is painful. And maybe instead of moving ahead quickly on your time schedule, stop and pray and consider what God may have on his schedule for you.

Of course, do what you need to do for legal support from your husband for your daughter. But filing for divorce does not need to happen - now.

I saw your other post about the phone calls and text messages. There very well is an emotional bond/or affair taking place, but the physical aspect may not be there.

Couples do recover from this and you never know the work God will do in your husband. So, I'm just saying tread with care, be cautious and watchful and do not move ahead with anything unless you are filled with God's peace. If there is tiny bit of uncertainty, anxiousness, etc. - then wait. God does not reign where chaos exists.

Elligirl · Full Member Joined: 28 Dec 2007 Posts: 120

LADYT,
I came in late on this but do feel lead to tell you something. I have no children involved in my divorce but my husband ask me to divorce him. I did. It was not what I wanted and I cried so hard outside the court room the judge sent someone out to ask me to move. Even with it being what he told me to do he went back later and told me and every one else it would have been easier to get back together if I had not gotten the divorce. Men!
I love my husband very much and he has told several people he knows I will never move on with my life because of the love I have for him. I am and will be standing for our marriage even with the divorce in place and he knows it. I do not have the ability to stand of my own power but of the power of God. People have told me to get on with my life, God has directed me to stand. My husband is living with the woman he was having an affair with.
It may not feel like it is easier to make your stand here and now. it may seem the easiest to just quit. And really it would be easier to give up, but if God has called you to stand then stand you must.
Know I will be praying for you.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Sometimes we look at things from such a worldly perspective. My spouse has done me wrong and the easiest thing to do is divorce them. What if, just what if, God says, "No!" Do not divorce. Give me 6 months or a year to work on your spouse and convict their heart that their actions are wrong. In the meantime, work on drawing closer to me each and every day and growing into a fully commited follower of mine. We are to be one or the other - hot or cold. We have to decide. Lukewarm is not an option with God.

Revelation 3:16 (MSG)
"I know you inside and out, and find little to my liking. You're not cold, you're not hot—far better to be either cold or hot! You're stale. You're stagnant. You make me want to vomit.

This verse has really been sticking around in my mind a lot lately and I am working at trying to filter my decisions differently because of it.

Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 174

Hello

I'm just reading the various postings. I wanted to file but did not feel led to do so. so I decided not to file on yesterday before reading these postings. Praise God. My husband visited my daughter and he tried to hug and kiss me but I refused as this is always his way of sweeping things under the rug and getting on to sexual matters.

Not this time. I told him for the 3rd time, no getting back together unless he's willing to engage in counseling. He's still saying no, so I said ok, then stay out there until you're ready to commit to our marriage.

He told me he loved me and that I was beautiful and he wants our marriage but says we can't work on it being apart. I disagreed. I know the moment I said ok, he'd move back in and do what he's been doing.

At least I feel he's being pricked. He still says he may not give me money on the 1st since he has to find his own place.

He says the OW has problems and he has problems and they talk and I said each of them need to talk to their spouses about what ails them in their marriages. What could they possibly talk about 5 or 6 times a day, 30 to 75 mins per call and they work together, ALONE?

It is amazing that he says he will not tell anyone his business but he tells her. It doesn't make sense to me. I am not filing, however he's not going to be allowed back until he and I can attend counseling.

I felt I was at my weakest but God saved me from a lot of tears. I creid out to Him and he heard me.

Thanks for allowing me to speak with you all. Love, Peace and Joy.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I am so glad God has provided you with the strength you need. Keep leaning on him, even if it is moment by moment or minute by minute or hour by hour. He will provide the wisdom and clarity that you need.

As hard as it is, he has given you the strength to hold your ground about counseling. Even if you start it, it needs to occur for several months before he should come back home. There is a tendency to let things fall by the wayside and the work that needs to be done, does not get done.

Interesting that he has admitted to you, that this other woman is having marriage problems as well.

It's also interesting that he can't give you money because he needs a place of his own. He may be able to find a place to stay through your church or other Christian friends that would help keep expenses to a minimum.

From what you say, it seems he is surprised that you are not giving in to
your request for counseling with him.

ladyt · Full Member Joined: 23 Mar 2008 Posts: 174

Yes, I am standing firm on that option. He says I have given him one option but actually I have given him two, 1) come home after getting counseling under our belts or 2) Stay separated.

He's very surprised that I am not giving in as I normally do.

I told him I'm not worried if he doesn't deposit money in the bank on May 1st as I will just contact his employer. He asked was that a threat and I said no, just a way that I can get support, however the choice is his to make.

I don't see him getting an apartment.

So he started in on how he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful, blau, blau blau... I still did not give in.

Her H is home so they are not talking as much after work and he's in that small trailer with no computer access. That has to be eating him up. He loves his computers. We're networked here at the house. He did all the wiring. I'm sure he's lonely as well.

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