When Is It Really Over ?

Chandy · Newbie Joined: 05 Jan 2008 Posts: 2

I have posted before to the emotional needs forum. But I now have alot of questions from reading and listening to pastors. It is my understanding that marriage is really aobut a relationship that should reflect God's love for us. It is also my understanding that once this bond that is created with marriage has been broken by adultery then it is up to the 2 parties involved on whether the marriage can be restored. My question is, if marriage is about a spiritual bond and not a piece of paper at the courthouse then is it safe to assume that if I don't want my marriage and nor does my husband but we still have to live together until we can financially afford to leave then is the marriage over in God's eyes? We don't sleep together, talk, we don't make married couple decisions, he does not tell me when he is coming or leaving and nor do I, we are just cohabitating together for financial reasons. My problem with him is that he is NEVER BEEN a good husband nor a good father. AT ALL! Now if I decided to move on in another relationship as he has already done (has been doing for 3 yrs) am I now committing adultery also?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2136 Location: Chicago

Marriage is to be a permanent covenant with God - it's not meant to be broken. A covenant is a permanent promise.

You are still married - so if your husband has moved on to another relationship, he is committing adultery.

Matthew 5:31-33
31 “You have heard the law that says, ‘A man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a written notice of divorce.’[a] 32 But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery.

Adultery is the only "out" that scripture gives us for divorce. However, that doesn't mean it's an automatic get out of jail free card. I believe he also asks us to look at the condition of our own hearts and that of our spouse. Adultery does not automatically mean that a couple has to divorce. I've known many couples who have worked through the painful process of restoration, only to have their marriages stronger in the end.

Torn Asunder is a great book by Dave Carder that I highly recommend - Also, Every Heart Restored by Stephen Arterburn. Every Man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn and Every Woman's Marriage by Shannon Ethridge are also excellent because they talk to the condition of the heart.

I can only share with you my heart for my marriage. My heart grew cold and separated from my husband. I could only concentrate on his faults as a husband and father. I was unwilling to look at my own. If I was truly willing to look in the mirror, I would have seen much sin and ugliness of my own. I also realized that the lack of my own personal connection to God had a lot to do with my heart condition. Honestly, my relationship with God was cold to lukewarm at best.

Once I worked on my relationship with the Lord where I decided to build accountability partners into my life and to spend time in scripture everyday and journaling - it wasn't until I was willing to be obedient, did things start to change. A hard heart does not have capacity to love. And love is the ultimate commandment that God calls us to do - even when someone treats us in less than a loving manner.

You cannot change your husband or his sinful choices, but you can work on yourself and you can continue to pray for him. Power of A Praying Wife by Stormie O'Martian would help you with this.

Do not enter into another relationship while still married. Spend time with
yourself and a counselor - dig into the issues that have taken place in your marriage. It's important to not take the brokeness and patterns into another relationship.

Most experts tell us that is takes 2-3 years to fully heal from the breakup of a marriage. And... tread with caution because 2nd and 3rd marriages fail 70-80% of the time.

I picked up a new book this past week called Change Your Heart, Change Your Life by Gary Smalley. It's pretty awesome.

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