What's wrong w/ wanting to wait? - The 1st years of marriage

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Do any of you desire to enjoy just being married after becoming married for a little while until children enter the picture? I'm 29, my boyfriend (prospective husband) is 31. He would prefer to start a family right away, because of age concerns--(wants to be around to see grandkids), but I just want to enjoy being married for at least a year before we start popping them out. I know we aren't in our 20's with alot of time on our hands--especially with all the latest news developments these days about fertility decreasing my age 27 for women, but I have faith that God will provide. I just want to focus on adjusting to married life, building a solid marriage, stable home, and be ready in all areas before having kids. He feels we already have a pretty strong foundation, and since we've known each other for 10 years & have been discussing alot of pre-marital issues, we won't have any huge adjustments to encounter w/ married life. Is this unreasonable of me to desire this?

Does anyone desire to enjoy just being husband & wife before becoming parents, those first moments of being married?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2064 Location: Chicago

Children are a blessing in so many ways, but the dynamics of your relationship will change in ways you cannot even imagine.

Time alone and time for intimacy decreases dramatically. Working at your marriage does not come naturally anymore, it has to become planned and sometimes unspontaneous. You have to deliberately put time on your calendars to have 1 day all by yourselves. It doesn't sound like a pretty picture does it?

It just becomes really, really hard. It was one of the most difficult times of our relationship. My husband missed having me all to himself and we were married 5 years before our first child was born.

As a mom, your main attention and energy goes toward your child. There often isn't a whole lot left over when hubby walks in the door at night. It is a daily compromise of balance to love the one you are committed to for life.

The best advice I ever received was to put God first daily, then my husband and then my children. I have seen so many friends do their children first, then God, then their spouse. As my children are now older, I have a solid loving relationship with my husband. I know I can turn around once the kids have moved out and truly know and love the man I have in the house with me. We are not strangers.

It is not selfish of you to want a year or more of alone time with your husband. Get used to being married. My husband and I dated for 5 years before we married and we still had no idea what married life was going to be like and how much we would have to compromise once we started living together as husband and wife. Knowing each other and living with each other are two different things.

The first year of marriage is your honeymoon!

kelly · Posted: Sat May 04, 2002 6:31 am Post subject:

Danielle, you are on the right track wanting to wait. My husband and I married with me already having two little ones, immediately had another one together, now are pregnant again. Sam is so right when she says your intimate time is cut short (almost cut off!). By the time the day is over you are both tired. On weekends you have to arrange for a babysitter just to have two hours to yourselves. There is no spontanaity whatsoever. Everything has to be planned (sometimes even sex!). Kids are an awesome blessing, and we never wish we didn't have the family we do, but it hasn't been easy. We have has to really work on our marraige to keep it what it should be. We started off with kids, so we never had the luxury of doing whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted, but if you have the option, ENJOY IT! Being married, the two of you can have romantic evenings together whenever you want, you can traipse around the house together naked if you wanted! You can't do those things with kids. Being married opens the two of you up to a whole new level of intimacy, enjoy it for a while before you intrduce kids into the equation. Enjoy the spontaneous moments, the intimate moments, the dates you will get to go on, b/c it will all change with kids! Hey, waiting one year isn't that long...with all the fun you two will be having in your new marraige, the time will fly by and you will sit down one day and look back to that year you two had together alone and you will realize how fast that time went! :inlove:

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Danielle

Marriage is about compromise, your lucky when you both agree on something because you won't have to argue, debate, or worse fight. If you don't learn to compromise, than you both will spend time trying to sway, convince, or persuade the other person to your side.

Each person has their own sense of what they want, and what their fears are. Your Husband to be, is fearing being an old guy raising a teenager. You on the other hand want to enjoy living together in marriage, setting up your home, and settling in.

Find some common ground. You don't have to start on your wedding night, and you don't have to wait 5 years. For now enjoy the getting married process, and pray about it.

One year isn't going to make any different, whether he is 45 or 46; raising a 15-teen year old boy or girl. In fact the older you get being one or two years old become less and less significant. You think and maybe worry a little about being 5 or 10 years older.

Marriage is not a race to retirement. You and your husband need marriage time under your belt. Sure you know each other as BF and GF, but that's the "honeymoon period". You need that first year if possible to work out your one-on-one life style under the same roof in the same bedroom.

Remember you still need to deal with how each of you will handle each other; how do you squeeze the toothpaste, hanging up the towels, folded?, lid up or lid down on the toilet, leaving lights on, who makes the bed in the morning.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2064 Location: Chicago

Kelly,
You crack me up with your openess and honesty. Especially the part about traipsing around the house (something I'm looking forward to again someday). I thought it, just could quite think of a way to say it.

Danielle,
I guess the consenus is from us married people, give it at least a year. Enjoy the time together. Dave is right, one year will not make a great deal of difference as to how old you will be when the kids graduate from high school.

Working through the toilet lid, toothpaste, laundry, how to make the bed, how to fold the sheets, how to do dishes and
the most important - who cleans the toilet the best way.
I'm serious, my husband didn't like the way I cleaned the toilet, so it became his job. When he got tired or his job, he hired a cleaning service to come in.

You may sit back an laugh, but what seems to be really small insignificant stuff can make you get under each other's skin.
It is really hard to pull out your bowl of water and a towel and wash your spouses feet (true servanthood). Serving each other everyday and putting the other first goes against everything. Yet, when we put them before ourselves, they know we are looking at them through Jesus' eyes.

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Marriage is learning to live with someone in the same house with all their and your faults and habits, mixed together. Adding Kids to the equation, increases the complexity, and the faults, habits, and new problems your kids will bring into your house. You will never be fully prepared, but you can be ready.

Marriage is work and raising kids is work, they are two separate jobs. Develop your team, before you take on kids. Because the joy of having a kid or kids can wear off quickly and feelings of regret and we should have waited can creep in.

Kids are just as much a source of joy as their are of pain :blush:

webacus · Posted: Sun May 05, 2002 9:55 am Post subject:

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Sam:
Interesting how you prioritize things. That's how I feel. My bf's father however did have his children first, then wife, then him last. ALL OF THIS AFTER GOD, OF COURSE (so my bf feels children should be first because you (both parents) will have to make great sacrifices when you have children).

How many ways is there to clean a toilet, by the way? ???

Davep:
I agree---one year won't make that much of a difference. He's actually fine w/ that as long as I will "pop them out" after that year passes. :dozingoff:

For about 3 years when I got my 1st apartment we practically did live together since he was over my house all the time, so we kind of know each other's habits and lifestyle so I don't think it will be that much to adjust to after marriage. But now we are not staying together as we were out of obedience to God.

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2064 Location: Chicago

Lots of different ways to clean a toilet. There is the squeeze the goo and brush method and then there is the pour the water in the bowl, which empties it, then squeeze the goo and brush. Or, ...only kidding.

Glad to hear you are not living in the same residence any more. God will bless you both with this decision more than you know.

Do you always put children first in your lives at the sacrifice of your marriage and your relationship with God?
All too often I have seen this happen with couples, then they wonder why there is no intimacy in their relationship and why their growth and relationship with God has deteriorated.

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

I like the old "squeeze the goo & brush" method. As long as it gets clean is all that matters!

Personally I think the children should come after the marriage & God. My bf on the other hand feels like his father--the children, the wife, then the husband.

Don't worry, I won't literally be "popping them out." They'll be at least 2 yrs apart! Very Happy

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2064 Location: Chicago

That's good, you had me worried there.

I can't say enough about God, spouse, children, work. Any other order doesn't put God first.

In the past, I've done work, then husband, then children, then God and things were pretty messed up for awhile. Once I left the corporate treadmill, came home to work and put God first, He has made dramatic changes to our lives.

I have a condition called Fibromyalgia. I was in frequent and terrible pain and almost not functioning from day to day. Once I left the workplace behind, I was able to see and think clearly on the direction for my life and my family. It meant making so many changes in diet, ministry and my interaction with my spouse and children. Every step of the way God has guided me and made a world of difference. I am now pain free most days and no longer take all the medication I was on.

Changing my priority order has made all the difference in the world. God has to be first because I am to worship no other God but Him. What I mean is - by putting other things first, I was worshipping them before Him.

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Sam:
This is something that will need to be covered when we go for counseling as well. Because like I said my boyfriend feels differently---in that the children should come first. I need to get some more clarification from him, on if he means they come first overall, most of the time, sometimes, etc.

So do you feel children do need to come first at times?

I've heard about your condition on the Lifetime show "Strong Medicine." I'm glad you are doing better. I think I wouldn't mind working from home, even after the children are beyond their early years. I heard a tape on marriage pre-requisites recently by a minister, and one of thoese pre-requisites was that the wife not work. (This is a whole nothing subject though!)

I have another question for you. My boyfriend's sister is considering making him legal guardian of his niece should something happen to his sister (having some health issues recently) & brother-in-law (has kidney problems). Right now, her best friend & husband are guardians, who live in Cali and already have 3 children. She (and the niece) prefers my boyfriend over the oldest brother (who happens to be married already, and is a parent of a son). Personally, I thought she would've wanted him to be the guardian, being he's in a established marriage and is already a parent, but not the case.

Should we get married, we both would become her guardians. I've expressed my desires to have a child-free marriage immediately after becoming newlyweds, because I don't want to get pregnant right away (one role at a time!) and now I'm thinking more & more about this whole guardianship thing. Is it wrong of me, if I would like the possibility of "post-poning" the guardianship, should something tragic happen, and we are recent newlyweds? I don't want to refuse guardianship, but would prefer that that first year of marriage be used to concentrate on adjusting to our new roles and new life together, and I'm not sure if I'll be ready to be a parent as well as a new wife, all at once.

I'm not just looking for "couple time" but more so some time to establish and build a stable home environment (in all areas) & strong marriage (in the Lord) firsthand. Taking on a child is a huge responsibility that we will need to be prepared for, ready, willing & able. I know financial burdens is one of the first things that newlyweds deal with, and I'd hate to 1) not be ready for parenthood and 2) to be in a position were we are not able to provide for her. I know our plans are not God's plans, and if something tragic should happen I would be supportive of the family. I'm not looking for things to happen perfectly, but I just don't want to be in too much over my head that first year or so of marriage. I know we would have the help of family in continuing to raise her, but is anything wrong with wanting to establish a good foundation after marrying first, and then welcoming his niece? He's considering letting his sister know we would be able to take her in, after a certain period of time, like the year 2005. We aren't even sure if we are marrying yet, so that's a factor too of course. He no doubt will take guardianship though.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2064 Location: Chicago

As selfish as it may seem, your first priority is your marriage.
Plain and simple.

Yes, children do sometimes have to come first. But, not at the expense of your relationship with God or your marriage.
My teenagers are masters at trying to put a wedge between their father and I. Mostly with discipline. We have to be united and on the same page. There have been times where certain situations have meant we have not been able to be the #1 priority with each other. But it is very rare, and it is not for a great length of time.

danielle · Full Member Joined: 19 Apr 2002 Posts: 232

Hi again Sam:
When you say marriage should be your first priority, are you saying this in response to our previous posts in general or to that & the new question I posed?

Danielle

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