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SAM
Veteran
Joined: 03 Mar 2001
Posts: 1989
Location: Chicago
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 Posted: Wed May 08, 2002 1:06 pm Post subject: |
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| When it comes to your decisions about the niece, your future marriage should be your first priority over your concerns about being her guardians. If need be, stipulate that you would need to be married one year before taking her. |
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danielle
Full Member
Joined: 19 Apr 2002
Posts: 232
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| Posted: Wed May 08, 2002 1:48 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Sam:
Ok, I agree. I mean marriage is permanent, guardianship temporary, so I strongly feel that a marriage should get off on the right start. Not that things will be perfect or go as planned, but this would be a huge responsibility, and its important that the niece be in an environment where she will have all her needs met while dealing w/ that tragedy. She wouldn't need any added stress if we are unprepared. He actually talked to his sister today about this and at first she was taken back but later understood after he explained he may not even be in a financial position to provide for her right away. And that I may not be ready to immediately be a mother. We'll talk to her again together. I ultimately have the best interest of the child in mind. So he said this should be discussed with their parents, and perhaps a joint-custody can be worked out. We can take full custody after a certain time period (like 2005).
Its comforting to know that someone understands where I'm coming from.
Thanks.  |
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Davep
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Joined: 02 Apr 2002
Posts: 463
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| Posted: Wed May 08, 2002 2:12 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | My boyfriend's sister is considering making him legal guardian of his niece should something happen to his sister (having some health issues recently) & brother-in-law (has kidney problems). |
You haven't even gotten married yet, and people seem to be writing a script for your life. Attempting to plan to many things into the future, in my opinion can cause you to become inflexible in your decision making abilities. Also your options and available choices are eliminated, because you made too many pledges and committments way in advance.
A marriage should have some general plans and parameters, but making them hard agreements, will box you into a corner, and cause frustration, hurt feelings, and animosity, when inevitably things and factors change. |
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danielle
Full Member
Joined: 19 Apr 2002
Posts: 232
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| Posted: Wed May 08, 2002 2:29 pm Post subject: |
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Davep,
I couldn't agree with you more. His sister (and niece) definitely want him to be the guardian, and I understand that since they are very close & everything, but should we get married, I can't say 100% that I would be willing to assume an immediate guardianship in the first year of marriage. I'd hate to commit to something half-heartedly. That wouldn't be fair to anyone. And the last thing we would need is hidden, built-up resentful feelings in the event of such a loss.
I was hoping she would've approached the oldest brother (3 siblings altogether), since 1) he is already a parent (though the son lives out of state), and 2) he recently married. She would be entering an established marriage vs. a new one and they aren't planning to have any more children (he already has a 13 yr old son from a prior relationship, and the sister-in-law has a son in college). For us on the other hand, my boyfriend has already stated that he would like to have 3 children of our own, so it would be quite a responsibility trying to plan & raise our own "new" family, in addition to being guardians.
But because of certain factors they'd rather my boyfriend be guardian.
The joint-custody idea sounds feasible so I hope this is decided. There really is no sense in worrying about anything until we are officially engaged anyway. |
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Davep
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Joined: 02 Apr 2002
Posts: 463
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| Posted: Wed May 08, 2002 2:50 pm Post subject: |
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Congratulations you've been selected ???
These sorts of decisions are a family matter, not some unilateral decision or selection process made by one party for another. Also no decision is required at this point in time.
All major decisions in a marriage must have both spouses approval/blessing. When one spouse has his or her own agenda, or someone else's agenda, and pushes that on the other you have a wedge forming.
| Quote: | | He's considering letting his sister know we would be able to take her in |
It should be We're considering, while he may be comfortable with the concept, you must be comfortable as well. Your needs come first over his sisters. After all you will probably be the one doing most of the raising of the kids.
The bottom lines is if you don't feel comfortable, that is what you must express to your husband. Don't make excuses for expressing your feelings such as, "can't your brother take her", "let's wait and see", "can't someone else handle this".
Don't start hiding and holding your feelings inside now. |
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danielle
Full Member
Joined: 19 Apr 2002
Posts: 232
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| Posted: Wed May 08, 2002 3:05 pm Post subject: |
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So true, so true!
In fact, at first my boyfriend was very taken back when I expressed this recently until he thought about it more, because that's his family. When he said "well I'm going to be her guardian and that he could consider my feelings" I kind of felt that he was going to go through with this even if I felt otherwise until we cleared the air and talked more. Us both being in agreement is imperative. Again, its not certain we are even marrying, so there is no use in making a big case of this right now; and he himself is in no position to be a guardian as a single person.
I thought I coming off as maybe being selfish, but I think I'm being reasonable with legitimate concerns & desires present.
By the way, this is off the subject, but how do you guys acquire those neat cartoonish faces? |
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