What's appropriate to tell or not tell your adult child

setfree · Newbie Joined: 16 Sep 2006 Posts: 6

I have grown, Christian children, new in their marriages, and am wondering how much to tell of my husband and my failings in regard to emotional adultery. My husband fell into this 2 times in the past 20 years, and I recently did, but am now setfree. We don't want them to make the same mistakes we did, and we want to be careful not to be stumbling blocks for them.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I would have no difficulty talking with my adult children about establishing protective hedges around their marriages in a one-on-one conversation.

As for disclosing indiscretions that have occured in your marriage - that's for you to keep between your husband and yourself.

Have you and your husband every gone through Christian counseling together to discover what is at the root of your emotional affairs?

setfree · Newbie Joined: 16 Sep 2006 Posts: 6

Thanks for replying so soon, Sam. Actually, I was hoping you'd tell me otherwise, as I have already told them (one on one) about my 'incident'....(it's hard for me to call it an emotional affair...that sounds so harsh, that word 'affair', I mean....the label I put on it for them was 'an inappropriate emotional co-dependent relationship'. Anyway, they received it very well. I will follow up with them to make sure there are no misunderstandings. The reason I told them (I'm such an open book...maybe sometimes too much so) is that I didn't want them to hear it from anyone else in our community.

As far as Christian counseling goes, yes, we did have some counseling when it first happened with my husband, but it was minimized then (our counselor was an acquaintance of many years), and all was forgiven, but when it happened again 10 years later with someone else, something happened within me that made the wall go up, and it was then that I found someone to confide in.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

You're welcome.

Spilled the beans did you? Very Happy

What was their response when you told them? Did you reassure them that you and their dad are back on track? Even with adult children this circumstance can cause stress or cause them to question their own marriages. A follow-up time to talk is entirely up to you, or it may be best to let the subject come to a rest with no further discussion.

Anytime you give your heart to another - it's adultery. Anytime you share emotional secrets with another - it's adultery. Anytime you fantasize about someone else - it's adultery. Sex never has to enter the picture.

Scripture doesn't sugar coat in Matthew 5:28 (MSG) - But don't think you've preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt.

Maybe it's time to look at Christian counseling again. Something is obviously broken/missing that both of your hearts are seeking refuge in other relationships outside of your marriage.

setfree · Newbie Joined: 16 Sep 2006 Posts: 6

My daughter was very understanding. She's been through alot in her young years, too, and is amazingly mature for her age. She actually was helping both her father and me stay on track spiritually while we were going through some tough times. I try to not get her involved, but she is a natural 'counselor at heart' and digs it out of me.

My son is a very compassionate person; always thinks the best of people; never judges. He didn't comment much. I'm thinking I should not bring up the subject again, but if he does, I will be honest.

I think my husband and I will talk about counseling again. Actually, we are doing so well now....better than ever....but I suppose it wouldn't hurt to 'dig a little deeper' to ensure it doesn't happen again. We have a grandchild on the way, and are so excited and happy about this....family life is wonderful once again.

Thank you so much for your response. I will check back once in awhile.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I know from having walked through marital issues myself, that when my heart wandered away from God, it also wandered away from my marriage.

Personal Distance from God = Distance in My Marriage

I had to work on my God relationship first before my marriage relationship grew stronger.

setfree · Newbie Joined: 16 Sep 2006 Posts: 6

That is very true.....seek first His kingdom and everything else will be added onto you (including a blessed marriage).

Maybe we've been self-righteous and haven't honestly opened every 'room' of our hearts. We've been heavily involved in ministry for many years. How subtle the enemy is!!

I have found we have to EVEN be careful in our prayer groups when holding hands with someone of the opposite sex....let alone eye contact....I always keep a practice of having good eye contact with people when I converse, but, now after having this experience, I am SO 'gun-shy' with the opposite sex. I'm the kind of person that seems to attract people to want to talk to me about their personal lives....it always surprises me...even from strangers. But, I'm a little skiddish how I relate to people of the opposite sex now.

setfree · Newbie Joined: 16 Sep 2006 Posts: 6

Hey Sam,

Silly question.....this is my first experience on an online forum. How do I quickly get into finding our conversations? I've just been going to Search and look for your name. Is there an easier way?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

At the bottom of the screen is a box where you can mark "track this topic".

setfree · Newbie Joined: 16 Sep 2006 Posts: 6

It may be on the bottom of your screen, but I don't see it on mine. :?

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