What To Do If Your Wife Is Having An Affair But Lies Through

GuyWhoLovesHisWife · Newbie Joined: 20 Aug 2008 Posts: 2

Well, the title says it all. I dont know what to do at this point.
I have stumbled accross evidence that my wife is having an affair and I dont know what to do. We have had counceling and she has lied to my pastors face and even made him believe.
She is determined to continue doing it and lying to me, and every word out of her mouth is a lie.
I love her so much, but she wont confess and get past it, she wants to lie through it and convince me that it's all a trust issue.
But I have proof that she doesnt know about. And I don't know whether to give her an ultimatum, or leave her or what.
She is wrapped up this other fantasy life that she has created.
Theres kids involved also, which may be why she still lies, because she doesnt want to loose them.

km · Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 9:08 am Post subject:

If you are certain of this evidence that she is cheating, I think that you need to confront her. Tell her you know (without revealing all or exactly what/how you know). And make it clear that the cheating has to end and that long term heavy counseling will be required to keep the marriage intact.

If you aren't bullet proof on your evidence (or don't have enough), you sould go about collecting more until you are bullet proof and fairly fully informed.

Upon being confronted, she will very likely lie (that is the normal reaction), and anything that she is forced to acknowledge will likely be spun so as to minimze it. Getting the whole story may take many months even after she is forced to admit to something.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2162 Location: Chicago

Welcome. You will find a wonderful group of people here at GT community who will lift you and your marriage up in prayer. Many have walked your journey.

Sadly, sometimes we can become so caught up in living the lie, that we twist it into the truth and reality. Your wife has so lost her love for God that she no longer knows the difference.

If you have definitive proof of the affair, then it's important for you to confront her with it. She may continue to deny - so make sure it is not your suspicions getting the best of you.

If you ask her to leave, are you prepared to issue this ultimatium? Are you ready to trust God with the outcome? Are you willing to wait on God and not move forward with divorce?

Many times wandering spouses do come back, knowing that they are losing everything. It will take a great amount of work to restore you marriage and trust in her. There are many people here on the boards, who are standing strong for their marriages in the midst of betrayal. Not easy - but very God honoring.

There is a wonderful book by Dr. James Dobson called Love Must Be Tough that may help guide you. Also, Power of A Praying Husband by Stormie O'Martian and anything written by William Harley Jr - Love Busters and His Needs/Her Needs.

I would encourage you to continue with counseling for yourself. You can work on you and growing closer to God through this process. You will be come a stronger man and husband.

GuyWhoLovesHisWife · Newbie Joined: 20 Aug 2008 Posts: 2

Thankyou guys for your posts so far.
I don't think that I want to ask her to leave, but I may want to give an ultimatum, make a choice so to speak, either that life, or your marriage and familly.

But if she has lied so heavilly and steadfastly, do you think that it would be beneficial to catch her with that person? Maby get camera footage of them together or somthing for court, just incase she decides to leave and I am faced with fighting for my kids?

I wont say too much about it, but those people she's mixed up with are bad news, and I wouldnt want my kids around that. And with God's help I would fight for that to my last breath.
What if I had the power to expose and shame the other person involved? Would that be a bad/ good idea? Or both or them.

And finally, if she does leave, she will want her kids. And what can I do to stop her taking them? Do I let it happen then fight it out in court? Or what.

Any help appreciated.
I know I can forgive her if she repents, and she knows too, but she wont come clean. She's caught up in lust, and maby even thinks this person loves her. But I know that person has multiple partners.

Elligirl · Full Member Joined: 28 Dec 2007 Posts: 151

I found my husband in bed with the ow. They were not at that very time in the middle of anything but neither had clothes on and my husband was out. They had been drinking.
Please know that this is an attack from satan. Yes your wife had a choice, just as my husband did no one forced either of them.
My husband came and ask me to divorce him. I had the grounds of adultry, in our state with those grounds all you have to wait for is a court date. He was also sick and needed medical help that he could not get because together we made to much money. He told me it was all that would save his life. And that turned out to be true, I don't really think he thought he was telling the truth at the time but it was true. All he wanted was his freedom so he could be with the ow.
Trust me on this your wife is not in love with this other person. Love is not an emotion it is a comittment. satan has her blinded.
Yes I an divorced but have been standing for my marriage for a year. It was not a decision that I made, God called me to stand. It is not easy but it is possible.
My advise is to pray, God will show you what he would have you do.

This is my wedding aniversary, it is also the day I found out about the ow.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2162 Location: Chicago

You mentioned in your first post that you have evidence. If it is solid concrete evidence, then maybe it is best to leave it at that.

montanna · Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 4:47 pm Post subject:

To Guy Who Loves his Wife,

I am new here as well... And have found amazing words from the christians on here.

I found out 10 months ago, it has been a hard hard battle. Luckily my husband is repentant and very sorry, came back to Christ throught this. I am having trouble with forgiveness...

Please, please take it from me.... The getting back at them exposing them will only tear you apart.. not them or the other man. And even though she is lying to you, what she has is NOT real with the other man... it just isn't and through some great counsling she will figure this out. Also, the searching, searching obsessing will kill your spirit.

You have the proof, God has given you the feeling.. it's all you need. Please spare your self the energy on that and start healing your self and kids. They feel this, even if they are small they do.

Any ways just my personal opinion.. I pray that you find peace for you and your family and that God takes you through this every step of the way! It can be done...

Bg

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 231

Sam, or anyone else who can shed some light on this, I am struggling with the following verses as well as all the verses that refer to the "one flesh":

km · Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 12:47 pm Post subject:

There is likely to be some ongoing psychological effects from any sexual liason. It is pretty common, if not the norm, these days for people to have prior sexual experience with someone else before he/she marries his/her spouse. There have always been some percentage of people who have extramarital affairs.

There are lasting memories from these prior/extramarital relationships that affect/color what happens thereafter in the marriage. It doesn't mean the marriage is doomed by any means, but it is a prior fact that can't be undone.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2162 Location: Chicago

I find commentaries (online) extremely helpful in understanding the full context of the verses. Reading through this, I don't know how much it will help you, but thought I would pass it along.

If you are having a "sticky" point on the issue of one flesh in your healing process, is this something you have brought up with a counselor?

Commentary on 1 Corinthians 6:12-20

Some among the Corinthians seem to have been ready to say, All things are lawful for me. This dangerous conceit St. Paul opposes. There is a liberty wherewith Christ has made us free, in which we must stand fast. But surely a Christian would never put himself into the power of any bodily appetite. The body is for the Lord; is to be an instrument of righteousness to holiness, therefore is never to be made an instrument of sin. It is an honour to the body, that Jesus Christ was raised from the dead; and it will be an honour to our bodies, that they will be raised. The hope of a resurrection to glory, should keep Christians from dishonouring their bodies by fleshly lusts. And if the soul be united to Christ by faith, the whole man is become a member of his spiritual body. Other vices may be conquered in fight; that here cautioned against, only by flight. And vast multitudes are cut off by this vice in its various forms and consequences. Its effects fall not only directly upon the body, but often upon the mind. Our bodies have been redeemed from deserved condemnation and hopeless slavery by the atoning sacrifice of Christ. We are to be clean, as vessels fitted for our Master's use. Being united to Christ as one spirit, and bought with a price of unspeakable value, the believer should consider himself as wholly the Lord's, by the strongest ties. May we make it our business, to the latest day and hour of our lives, to glorify God with our bodies, and with our spirits which are his.

FaithHopeJoy · Full Member Joined: 25 Jun 2007 Posts: 114

charity1

You asked for our thoughts.

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 231

Thanks for the responses. FHJ wrote:

j3anjean · Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 11:10 am Post subject:

Charity, Satan can be so very strong. When someone is under the influence of drugs or alcohol- their whole personality changes. Satan takes that personality and perverts it, manipulates it. When someone is in an illicit affair, Satan takes what God has created and perverts and twists it. An affair is not even onthe same page as what God intended as "one flesh".

I have the same fears and doubts as you have expressed here. I don't know how my husband can set it aside. I don't know how God can blur that memory now that my husband has righted himself with God. I know that is not my husband's doing. It is all God and I'm not going to question it.

I'm praying for you.

	Growthtrac Community Forum Index -> Infidelity	All times are GMT - 6 Hours
Page 1 of 1