What is wrong with me?

RMG · Newbie Joined: 01 Aug 2007 Posts: 1

I am in the midst of one of the greatest struggles of my life. I’m a stay-at-home mom to 3 children (3 years and under) and wife to a husband that works a lot. I always knew that this was a difficult stage of my life, but I felt proud that I was facing the challenge head-on with a “can do” attitude.

However, recently I feel like I’ve lost control of my life. I’ve begun to snap at my children and husband (mostly my husband) - yelling, screaming, whatever gets the rage out. I even threw a toy at the wall leaving a hole during a phone argument with my him last week. And I’ve been feeling so guilty and sad. Guilty for treating my family terribly and sad for some unknown reason.

It all came to a head the other day after the toy throwing incident. I told my husband to come home because I didn’t want my children to see me so filled with rage. And then I drove off in my car without telling him where I was going. For a moment I was actually considering driving my car into a tree thinking that my family would be better off without this chaotic version of me, but luckily God spoke to me and led me to my parents’ house instead.

I’ve struggled with depression in the past, but not for many years. All of the sudden I feel like the teenage girl I was 15 years ago who lost complete control of herself and tried to end her life. I don’t want to be that person again. I didn’t hurt myself when I considered it, but I’m terrified that the thought even crossed my mind, especially with my history with depression and attempted suicide. I don't want my children to grow up without me, but I don't want them to see me like this either. It's so not fair to them!

I have no explanation for the change that has suddenly come over me. And I don’t know what to do to fix it. Believe me, I would have been in a treatment facility as soon as I threw that toy at the wall if we could afford it, but we can’t. And I feel like I need more of an intervention than can be provided by my pastor.

I just want to love and take care of my family. I want to find the person I used to be. Where do I start?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Start with going to see your family doctor and speaking with him about your feelings. Then, go see your pastor. It's important to have someone praying for you and just to help lift this burden from your shoulders.

With three small children and a husband who works a lot, it's no wonder you are feeling at the end of your rope - anyone would.

It's important for you to have alone time with God and just alone time for you. Easier said than done, but oh so important to refresh yourself as a mom and wife. Are you feeling spiritually dry? God has not left you but sometimes we leave God.

If your mom and dad can even take the kids for 1 hour a week so you can go an do something for yourself. Just to go sit at a park and read your bible, or to pray, or to get your nails done. Just something for you.
You can even ask your husband to provide this time for you.

Another thing to consider is, finding a young moms group. Just having other women to share with and talk too can make all the difference in the world and make you feel like you're not alone in this journey. Or, a woman's bible study - just so you are doing something for you and getting out of the house once in awhile.

It will refresh your spirit and time with God - which will refresh everything else in your life.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 332 Location: NJ

I don't really have any answers, but please do not go around thinking that there is something wrong with you. You are one of God's children, and He loves you.

As Sam points out, you do have a lot of stress right now. You cannot get through this by your own strength. You need to rely on God and trust completely in Him.

I really encourage you to get some good Christian counseling. It may cost a little, but what is the alternative? What is the cost of feeling trapped and depressed?

I will pray for you.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Many insurance companies cover counseling. Also, there are many non-profit family organizations in many communities that serve the family through Christian Mission. They offer counseling on an ability to pay basis. It takes some legwork on the phone, but it's worth it to find what you need. Also, pastors often refer counselors and because of their referral, the counselor offers a reduced rate. Also, many counselor offices have other counselors going through their clinicals and will offer reduced rates in that manner.

So counseling is out there, it may take some diligence to find what you need.

RD is right - if you don't find a way to get some help - what will be the cost to you and your family?

Lord I lift this young mother and wife up to you. You know her needs, your know her heart and depression and feelings of being trapped. Lord, walk beside her as you always do but make your presence very, very much known to her. Help her to have time for refreshment for herself.

Melodie308 · Newbie Joined: 01 Aug 2007 Posts: 1

Hi

) My first question is... what time of the month is it for you? I have PMDD and I know there are certain weeks out of the month when I feel psycho... i become extrememly irritable, have horrible anxiety and become depressed. There is medication for this also, but I have not found one that doesn't make me feel like a zombie.

Also, the daily time with the Lord is very important... I know it is hard with small children.

Counseling can help, also, but honestly, time with the Lord is the the best thing that you can do, and getting out of the house for a while... with and without the kids.

babycakes · Veteran Joined: 06 Mar 2006 Posts: 312 Location: In Prayer

Our hormones can fluctuate incredibly after children. Think about it for a minute - you had these feelings when you were 15 (at the height of hormone fluctuation) and they are resurfacing now after three small children. It's a great suggestion to see your doctor to be evalutated for hormone levels and depression.

With little ones, it's really hard to get out often. But if you and your husband can establish weekly date nights. Even if it's for an hour or two to grab a cup of coffee or some ice cream, it's helpful for you to reconnect with him and not feel so alone with your three children while he's working hard to support you.

Joblom1 · Full Member Joined: 22 Jun 2007 Posts: 57 Location: Mn.

I agree with the others posts to you. Most churches have a day care to leave the kids even if only for one day a wk. Keep talking to your pastor, have the prayer chain at your church pray for you. Seek out a mom"s group. You are you precious to God, husband and kids. With Gods hands girding you and protecting you he will not leave you. Have your radio on to a Christian station, also. May God Bless you and keep you strong with grace for today, a friend in Christ. Jo-jo

Karelina9 · Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 5:40 am Post subject: HI

I know you have received a lot of other responses that are just great. I just want to reiterate this componant. I know when I was younger, somewhere between 26- 30, I would go into these rage type emotions that scared me. I mean full on, I am going to hurt somebody. HELP! It turned out to be PMS. My hormones were totally out of whack! I learned to realize the time of the month that it would come ( usually two weeks before my cycle) I prayed and ask God to help me and remove this from me. It took a little bit. And in the meantime, I would mark my calendar so I could prepare for it. I would schedule time with others so I wasn't alone with my children to snap at them. Eventually, I went on Anti-depressants for two weeks every month. I did that for 2 years. I no longer have those symptoms. I just thought you should know, you aren't broken, and you aren't alone! (((hugs)))

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