What is acceptable behavior with friends of opposite sex?

another30years

After my wife had an emotional affair of many years with a cousin I finally found email and IM records. The affair has ended. It has taken 7 months to get her to agree to absolutely no contact of any kind with him.

For the same 7 months I have been trying to get her to adjust her behavior when it comes to other men.

An example: At a recent class reunion my wife gave strong frontal hugs to each of her male classmates that were old friends. In addition, when talking to one classmate she tilted her head into his and he tilted his toward her until their heads were touching. This lasted for several minutes before I stopped it by asking her to come with me. Another classmate put his arm around her waste and held her hand for several minutes while they talked. I finally walked up to them and again asked her to come with me.

I may be puritanical but I believe this behavior is not something a wife should be doing. For lots of reasons. My wife believes the behavior is not inappropriate and that I am too controlling. Given the affair with her cousin and the fact that we are going through a rebuilding and healing process I expected her to comply with my wishes for her to not show such affection to other men.

Am I wrong? Is frontal hugging of casual "friends" an acceptable behavior for a wife? If not then what resources do I have available to convince her?

Through 30 years and 9 children she has been a good loving christian wife. Our 30th anniversary is in a couple of weeks and we are committed to go another 30 at least.

Can anyone help?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2162 Location: Chicago

Welcome to GT, we're glad you're here and appreciate your post.

So far, your way of dealing with the situation and getting her to see your feelings, concerns, worries about appropriate boundaries are not working.

Have you spent any time in counseling together? If not, it would be a good idea to do so. Emotional affair or sexual affair - the pain is still there. The reason why she took these steps need to be peeled back and uncovered so you can trust her again. Right now... you do not trust her.
That trust needs to be rebuilt.

Trying "to convince" her is not working because she sees no problem with it. And she did make the comment, "you're to controlling." For some reason she doesn't think her behavior needs to change. Her behavior is inappropriate, but proving you're right isn't working.

another30years · Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 12:57 pm Post subject:

Thankyou Sam for taking the time to reply,

My wife is so sure that she is correct that she will not talk to anyone about this situation. Because we live in a rather remote area she does not have a lot of friends close by. Her best female friend lives in Oregon. I have asked her to contact this friend on several occassions but she won't.

I did get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". We were reading it to each other until she got upset when it stated that married people should not have friends of the opposite sex. That was the last time we read together and that was mid December.

I have been going to a Psychiatrist and a theripist weekly for almost 7 months. She won't go because she believes they do not have the same faith as her and will offer incorrect information.

Our church is 2 hours away. I have contacted our pastor and have not heard back from him. It has been a long while and I think he is not interested.

I have spent hours in our local Christian book store and the library with no success. None of the books you mentioned were at either location. I will order them based on your recommendation. Would you recommend an order in which to read them. As a retired person I do not have the funds to buy that many books at one time.

Again, thankyou for your help.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2162 Location: Chicago

It sounds like it is an issue of the heart. As believers were are to hold each other up to accountability and to call sin - sin when we see it.
We are also called to be in community and not isolated and on our own. If you remember, Jesus was not tempted while in community with his disciples - he was tempted while he was utterly alone in the desert. That's where Satan took him.

We can't be in the desert for long as believers - as I think that's where your wife has been hanging out.

In order to keep ourselves on track, my husband and I have built what we call a Board of Directors for our marriage. These are people we go to when we need to talk, when we need accountability, etc. I love these people because they have helped me grow in my faith - and one of them is always reminding my husband and I to go out and have "FUN". It can be irritating whenever we see him, but I love that he reminds us.

Torn Asunder and Boundaries in Marriage would be the first two I would start with. You can order both at -
http://www.growthtrac.com/store/

	Growthtrac Community Forum Index -> Infidelity	All times are GMT - 6 Hours
Page 1 of 1