What do you think about this?

agapelove · Newbie Joined: 23 Sep 2002 Posts: 13

What do you thing about this?

I have been in my current relationship for 2.5 years....Well, I can tell you that when we met he was just coming to know the Lord and I had a deep relationship with Him and I thought that I can help him (Boyfriend) get his relationship straight with God....Well, it has not been easy but he is growing gradually even not in the level that I will really recomend or commend but he is on his ways, I know he has questions and I have always said to him that He had to direct those questions to God and for him to be more teacheable, he is so rigid and I wish he can just be more vunerable so that he learn more and be able to get closer to God on his own, being a man, I really want my husband to be the spiritual leader in my marriage but the level he is going is giving me a concern that I think that he is going to create a problem latter if he doesn't get it right now. I am in love with the person, being my first relationship and we have done things really that I am not proud of us (not sex) but other stuff that I was not confortable with God. Planing to get married which is another issue.

What will you do if you were in my shoes, guys?

Thanks all for listening.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1928 Location: Chicago

Hi and welcome to GT Community. We have had several discussions along the way on this very topic. I know God is clapping His hands that you have committed to purity. That is such an awesome challenge for most couples and can short circuit so many things in a relationship.

Has your BF given his heart and life to Christ? Or are you just wishing? Couldn't quite make that out in your notes.

There is nothing in the bible that calls a man to be the spiritual leader of the home. He is called to be the "head" of the home and I feel that is a different role - one of respect. I know at times in my marriage God has very clearly called me to lead spiritually. Look at Esther and Sarah and many other women in the bible who He called to lead spiritually or even lead nations.

If your BF has not become a fully devoted follower of Christ, then you need to take a step back and re-evaluate. Hoping and wishing will never get him to where you want him to be.

Many people go into relationships planning on changing someone into who they want them to be in Christ.
Only through God's plan for your BF and putting all of your trust in Him to do the work instead of yourself will things ever change. Change can come very, very slowly and trusting God to do the work can be extremely hard and frustrating. Wanting someone to move it along at the speed of growth you want can strain a relationship. You may also make your BF feel he can never measure up to what you want him to be.

If you want a husband to fully lead your home, then you need to look for someone else. You will have an expectation for this man that he can never meet.

Looking forward to hearing more from you. Hope this has helped a little.

agapelove · Newbie Joined: 23 Sep 2002 Posts: 13

Thanks a lot Sam.

Well, What i know is that he (boyfriend) had given his life to christ, he goes to church and he tries a lot to do the right thing, he is very rigid and he thinks that he can serve and worship God in his own strenght and abiltity but he doesn't have that passion because the holy spirit is not there. He goes to church and he is trying to be active but I know that that doesn't count for his relationship with God, he is not just passionate about the things of God that much, he is more passionate about money and how to be rich and be a millionaire, I know there is nothing wrong with that but I know that it is only God that blesses without adding sorrow and whatever He gives on to us is without repetance, I have always said these to him but he is still rigid and he is trying to get there by himself, It is very difficult I know. But I pray that God will open his eyes so that he will see beyond making money and be able to search for deeper things in God that maketh room for the gift.

I am not that certain about the relationship anymore and I am having a lot of doubts that I am going to settle for less if and when we get marry and I don't want to regret my decisions about marriage for ever because it is something that my mind desires a lot, I desired a God's Filled marriage and knowing that I made the right choice in any situations is very important to me. I will let him (Boyfriend) know about this but I am so afraid of being hurt.

It is very hard making that decision (calling it quit) Has anyone gone through that before? I am thinking that I am going to be heartbroken because I know that I am in love with this guy.

Help me please, I need some help, please

Agapelove

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

God create man and woman. He did not created single sex being. We are dependant not only on God, but also on each other. God split the deck, Man and Woman are incomplete, and for a good reason, so we don't think that we can live as a god.

God created boys and girls. Girls are able to sit in class relatively still, boys cannot. The traits that God gave boys are now considered to be a disease which requires medication. God created Woman to be a helper for man, not as model for man. Men are not wired together the same way as women. We learn and grow differently.

Women approach their Christian Walk differently then men. The goal is the same but our hiking styles are different. It seems Women love to skip and hop and sing down their walks, where men would rather go off the trail a little.

Men grow with other Christian Men. Woman do a great job getting men to Church, but men sharpen men.

PR 27:17
As iron sharpens iron,
so one man sharpens another.

Quote:

It is very hard making that decision (calling it quit) Has anyone gone through that before?

Read the posts started by Danielle, she is deep into this topic. You both have similiar walks.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1928 Location: Chicago

Thanks Dave, well said! I like your male perspective. You sometimes remove the touchy feely stuff we ladies like and get straight to the facts. I like that about your posts.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1928 Location: Chicago

Agapelove -
I see your hearts desire in all of this, but what about following God's desire for a future marriage?

Quote:

I don't want to regret my decisions about marriage for ever because it is something that my mind desires a lot

If you listen to your head, it is telling you this is not the man to marry. I feel this comes out pretty clear in your posts. There is something God is telling you about this man and I don't think you are listening. Unfortunately, love does not conquer all. If he is stubborn about God and "rigid" - those are the words you have used, what else will he be stubborn and rigid about in your marriage?

Quote:

He is more passionate about money and how to be rich and how to be a millionaire

This pretty much sums it up. He cannot worship two Gods - money being one of them. I think God is pretty clear about this. God comes first in a marriage, then your spouse, then the children if there are any, then the job. Money is pretty far down the list - not at the top.

agapelove · Newbie Joined: 23 Sep 2002 Posts: 13

Thanks Davep and sam for responding to my concerns.

Man can be so hidden attimes that you don't know them enough until some times latter, when you are deeply involved emotionally and they start to show their real self that you know that it is not in your criterials of your long waited man.

Davep, can I ask you a question? being a man and please answer this with all sincerity.

What will you advice your sister or daughter to do when she is not sure about a relationship that has been going on for like 3 years and it doesn't just seem so much as if the person is going to be or meet your expectations as a father or your daughter ideal man?

Sam, I really loved your response, but my concerns now is not knowing how to really make an end to this long time relationship, I have never being in this kind of situations before, so it is so new to me and a concern for me (first relationship ever) plus I am still so much involved emotionally with the person and I am afraid of being hurt and afraid of not even getting close to meet someone as good as he is again because he had being so good to me, I mean so good, he was there when things are not so good for me and had really being someone that I can lean on but that is not enough for me, I need more and desires more from my husband. I don't know if I am making sense but I know that I have to do something that will help my fears and concerns and will help me to be on the right path and decision in my life....

Agapelove

Davep · Veteran Joined: 02 Apr 2002 Posts: 463

Quote:

What will you advice your sister or daughter to do when she is not sure about a relationship that has been going on for like 3 years and it doesn't just seem so much as if the person is going to be or meet your expectations as a father or your daughter ideal man?

First pray for wisdom and a godly cabinet.

Get together with your trusted counsel, people who know both of you and listen to their guideness and thoughts. Also communicate your concerns and fears with your BF and gage is response. What does he reply, what does his body english communicate. Is he brothered or trouble? Does he try to explain your fears away, or does he take them seriously?

Also you can look into taking marriage classes, which will run you both through the thought processes of what a marriage will take. Taking classes is safer than getting married. And it will flush out some of your concerns.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1928 Location: Chicago

I have a daughter who recently ended a 2 year relationship.
It took her a long time, but with love and guidance from mom and dad and an older sister, she came to see that God was not this young man's number one priority. Also, she came to realize she was not a priority either.

She had to learn to let God hug her and kiss her and comfort her when she was hurting. She had to fill her life with other interests other than this young man. Was it painful for her, of course! Were there tears, of course. But, she has come to realize God's love and grace is there all the time, not just some of the time.

If you have Godly friends, then lean on them. If you have been away from a bible teaching church for awhile, go back and find a group you can connect with. Has your BF slowed your growth and taken away from your relationship with God? The young man my daughter was seeing, pulled her away from God. It is taking awhile for her to find her way back.
Your security is not in your BF, but solely and completely with our Lord.

I'm not sure where you are located. I do know of an excellent 6 week pre-marriage seminar in the Chicago area I can refer you to. This is in a group setting and talks about
God's design for marriage. From spiritual to communcation, conflict, love languages, purity and living arrangements and finances are discussed. If you can find something like this in your area, it is worth looking into. A man or woman who will commit to spending the time and investment in a relationship may be a keeper. If your BF or GF is not willing to invest, then really take a hard/hard look. Also, spending 5-7 weeks with a mentor couple who can do a personality test and walk you through all of these topics would be worthwhile.

So many couples spend their time on planning that beautiful wedding day. But, you know what? It is only one day in a lifetime you plan to spend together. Why not spend 5-7 weeks investing in your future, it will pay off.

Has anyone else heard of really good pre-marriage seminars?
I'm not talking about where you spend 1 or 2 meetings with a pastor. I'm talking about a solid long term session. You cannot cover all the topics I mentioned above in 1-2 weeks.

agapelove · Newbie Joined: 23 Sep 2002 Posts: 13

Thanks a lot Davep and Sam. I am very appreciative of your replies and I can tell you guys that they are very helpful and comforting to me.

Davep, it is so nice having your insight about this issue it is very helpful to have a male perspective about an issue like this that is very encouraging to me.Your advice is very comforting to me and informative.

Actually, we did talked to our pastor before about this issue and he thinks that we are still on the good path to have a godly marriage but that we need councelling.This has now been where and what we've been working on and bf is making it look as if I am stressing him to schedule another appointment with the pastor and when he eventually did he made it just for himself alone on the day that he knows that i mightn't be able to make it not even that I would not be able to go but he just let it sound as if he wants to go by himself which I let him know that I am not so happy with that decision and that has been a problem since last friday that he went and this is a concern to me because I noticed that he is not ready for a commitment of marriage or even a relationship that is going to end in marriage.

Last night we talked and said all these to him and he said that he didn't know that he was suppose to be a councelling session that he just thought that the pastor wanted to talked which I didn't take from him, but I am ready to give another chance for him to prove to me that he is ready to commit to this relationship and he is ready to do whatever he is going to take for it to work and for it to be a godly one that everyone desires, I know that he desires a good marriage but he is not just ready to do what it takes for that to happen.

Davep, thanks so much for your advice and I am making use of that.

Agapelove

Sam, I am going to respond to your response latter but for now, I am in chicago and i wouldn't mind the information you want to give to me about this marriage councelling thing is and thanks a lot for letting me know that it is okay to let my people help me to heal if and when I am hurting. if and when things eventually don't work out and my parents and siblings are so much in supportive of me for whatever decision i make, my mother had even asked me to move over to their place because they are not in chicago if and when I can't handled it by myself, that has been a very good thing because I know that I will be able to heal easily and on time with them supporting me, they have asked me to do whatever it going to take for it to work because they thought that boyfriend is a good person but if it wouldn't work out it is okay that God has somebody else that is going to be all that i desires in a future husband.

Thanks so much.

Agapelove

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1928 Location: Chicago

The Marriage Seminar is called "Fit To Be Tied". It is held at Willow Creek Community Church in South Barrington. I believe then next session will start in January and then they have another one in the spring of 2003. It is for 6 weeks on Friday nights and goes from 7:00 to about 9:30. Their number is 847-765-7500 and ask for Marriage Ministries. I also believe you can get information on their web site at www.willowcreek.org and go to Ministry Link and then Marriage then Marriage Ministries.

agapelove · Newbie Joined: 23 Sep 2002 Posts: 13

Thanks sam, I will look into that and let him (bf) know do
I am very appreciative of your effort to help me deal with my issues.

Thanks,
Agapelove

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