What can I do?

SJ38 · Newbie Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 1

Hello, I'm new to this board and I don't know what I'm looking for, I just wanted to see what anyone might have to say. I have been married for 2 years. I married a wonderful Christian man, we were both very involved in our church. 3 months into the marriage I discovered the reason he didn't want to be with me was because he was spending alot of time looking at porn. We went to counseling once and he never wanted to go back because she explained to him that it was not my fault. We got through it, even though he never really showed any remorse over the whole situation and he doesn't do it anymore. We discussed in detail before we got married how we were going to do our finances. We even did a budget. To this day he refuses to have an account with me, will not discuss money and he pays his certain things and even though I'm paying more for my "half" he doesn't help me very much. He took out a very large loan without discussing it and he blew through it in a matter of months. He didn't put any back for the things we really needed and would not help me with our debt that we had from the wedding and honeymoon.

I don't know what to do. He goes to church on Sundays and we are active in the church and everyone thinks he's great. He will not read the bible with me, will not pray with me and will not attend a small church group with me. He will not go to counseling even when I told him he could find a male counselor to go to.

Anytime we have a fight, he will not speak to me until I go to him and apologize and then he won't discuss it. Right now he hasn't spoken to me since New Year's Eve because I got upset that he wasn't even going to acknowledge New Year's Eve and was apparently going to spend the evening in his back room. He spends all his time in an extra bedroom where he keeps everything he has. He doesn't have one thing in our bedroom He even keeps his food separate from mine. He wants everything separate, nothing together. When we are getting along he averages about 30 minutes a day with me. When I try to talk to him about it he will either get upset or spend a little more time for the next couple of days and then start hibernating in his room again. He spends at least 2 hours a day at the gym, but can't spend an hour with me. Before you ask, no he doesn't want me to go to the gym with him because that's his "guy time" with his friends.

He says he doesn't look at porn anymore and for some reason I believe him even though he keeps his computer locked.

Sorry this is way too long, but what do I do at this point? I feel really horrible that I actually gave him an ultimatum a couple of days ago that we could go to counseling or he could leave. Unfortunately I've done it once before and he didn't go and he refused to leave. He just told me I couldn't make him leave. He never raises his voice at me, never says anything negative to me or anything. He just wants to pretend I'm not here I guess. I don't know what he's getting out of it, there's absolutely no intimacy or relationship. I have gotten very mad at him and he says I've been very disrespectful and he's probably right, but he never will admit fault at anything, he always turns it around on me and says he'll pray for me.

I guess my question is what can I do? I just don't know what to do. I've been praying that God would change my heart which has become very bitter towards my husband and that my marriage would be healed, but I just don't know. I tried to talk to a Christian friend of mine, but she thinks there's no choice but to leave him.

Please, if anyone has any ideas, please help me.

Thank you.

webacus · Posted: Thu Jan 05, 2006 9:26 pm Post subject:

"SJ" Welcome and thanks for posting.

I'm curious if anything surfaced before you were
married, particualrly in your marriage preparation.
Were you mentored? Did you take any assessments?
Did you see any "clues" that predicted these issues?
What does his family (parents) look like?
Past relationships?

Does your husband have any known (medical?) issues?
Depression? Any disorders?

Obiously, he's acting as though he's single.
He's living his life without you.

First-- I suggest you seek Christian counseling
for yourself.

You have tried (unsuccessfully) to work this out and
he refuses counseling. You need professional
counsel on next steps and to gain encouragement &
support.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2163 Location: Chicago

Welcome and we glad you have come to GT.

Every married couple will tell you at some point in time they have gone through difficult times in their marriage. The advice given by a Christian friend to just leave is not an option in Christian marriage - there is not an out when things get hard.

I agree your husband appears to still want to live the single life. He's hiding. When confronted about his sinful behavior with the counselor, he wasn't willing to own up to it. My guess would be that he is still viewing pornography and finding the gratification and relationship he seeks through this instead of engaging in his marriage. The online relationship is easier. There is a great book called, "Every Heart Restored" by Stephen Arterburn that specifically addresses this issue. It may give you some helpful insight into what you might be seeing in your husband's behavior.

Seek licensed Christian counseling for yourself and if it is not affordable, seek it with your pastor. And, let your husband know you are going to do this and that you pray in time he will join you.

Have a calm discussion with your husband about what you hoped and dreamed your marriage would be like. Let him know what your needs are regarding spending time together, praying together, co-mingling finances and bills, etc. Let him know you really want to work on this marriage and sometimes that means seeking the wisdom of more mature Christians.
Being wise means seeking help for your marriage when you need it. Seeking counsel is a sign of strength and maturity, not a sign of weakness.

You will find people here who are encouraging and will pray for you. I've prayed for you this evening. Remember, with Christ - all things are possible. He has not left you. He is walking right beside you. He knows every tear and every ounce of pain. He knows. Let Him draw you close, hug you and comfort you in your time of need.

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