What 2 do? 19 years of marriage and things seem to get worse

prayer4me · Newbie Joined: 30 Dec 2007 Posts: 2

Im new and came across this website looking for a storage place in case I need one next week if I decide to leave after 19 years !!! how fate...or shall I say "faith" should have it...i run across this site.
In short ...we have continued to hash out what we both need in a marriage.
We come from different types of families ...raised different ways. I was raised in the north with both parents and he was raise in the south with a sinlge mom as head of house hold...and a grandmother.
We have 4 children.
I like the simple things in life, surrounded by my family and doing things together, i volunteer in my community and basiclly do the the "soccer mom" stuff for my children.
He likes sports (so do I) but likes to also hang out until 3or 4 in the morning (not always... but enough...2-3 nites a week).
I have an issue with him... not really hanging out but, more than a few times a month ???....and when I call...he will not answer the cell phone...he says I will start nagging if he picks up the cell.... I say.... call if you plan to be out late and or do you ALWAYS have to follow the crowd...and hang out
15 years ago I caught him in an affair while traveling (sports)
It seems like I try to forget but with his history and how he still continues to do "secret little things" it makes it hard to forget.........

3 years ago I joined a church, which I love and really get the word from the pastor and how he teaches... I enjoy the church ..the people and the teachings, which has helped me to understand the bible and or what is good and right...and prayer....I never really prayed before though I did have some kind of faith....!!!
My husband, yeah well... has come to church maybe 8 times ...in the past 3 years, mainly when the kids do a performance at church with one of the youth groups they are apart of.
with all this said... "Im tired".....last night I found 2 seperate pictures of a 2 woman...when asked... well...he got mad, why are you in my phone???

I have to admit i know he loves our children and maybe was inlove with me....but its just not what I need or wnat out of a marriage after 19 years....Im maturing and he seemingly wants to be respected as a maturing man but seems to still play boyish games...hes a good or decent provider..I have been unemplyed for 5 months which also puts stress in the marriage but he is poor at managing money... we maybe close to loosing our house.
I need prayer and ..insight from someone who can have a neutral view.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1889 Location: Chicago

Welcome - I'm certainly glad you found us in a quite unusual way. From a search for storage to a Christian marriage website - that's quite the coincidence. Laughing

Although, I never think of it as coincidence. You were meant to land here it appears!

I was on a very similar path years ago with my husband. I was seeking and learning to know more about God and my husband didn't want a single thing to do with God.

Do you really think that giving up and throwing in the towel is the best thing to do? The best thing for you and the best thing for your kids?

We all get to a place at sometime in our marriage of just wanting to give up. We all get there - it's what we do beyond that.

All I know is that God would not let me pursue divorcing my husband. He simply would not let me sleep everytime divorce entered my thoughts. He taught me that He hated divorce. It was not an option no matter how hard it got.

So, I had to sit down with my husband - away from the house and away from the kids. And... seriously ask him what he wanted from our marriage. I told him what I wanted - and it wasn't a wishlist of what he needed to do to improve himself. It was a wish list for the intimacy that God wanted us to enjoy together as husband and wife. When I spoke about intimacy, it sure perked up his ear! Laughing

I definitely got his attention. I said, if you don't like where we go to church - can we find a place that you'll enjoy? Can we find a place where we can grow as a family and as a couple?

It got him thinking... and over time... a friend invited us to a church that my husband loved. And... it was at that church, week after week, that my husband came to understand the love of Jesus Christ. That is wasn' just believing in God, but there was a relationship he needed to have with Christ. One where he turned over his heart and his life into God's hands. It was only about three months after attending this new church that this occurred.

You are on different pages spiritually it seems - that will always created tension in a marriage. Huge tension! Because you are beginning to understand that God has a different life for you and your family.

I would highly encourage you to pick up a book by Lee and Leslie Strobel called Surviving A Spiritual Mismatch. It's an awesome book that will help you walk this journey with your husband.

It you criticize and judge him... he will walk away. If you learn to love him the way Christ loves him... that will make a difference.

prayer4me · Newbie Joined: 30 Dec 2007 Posts: 2

Hi Sam,
It was nice to get a reply so fast...I think I did fall onto this site by ..."faith".
I have done all the things you have mentioned....changed churches, better yet ...religions (I grew up catholic, HE was baptist...when he went as a young boy).
So the church I have grown to love is a BAPTIST church!!!!
We have sat ...several times over the years and spoke of what we needed from each other and what we would like out of a marriage. but time and time again....after a few weeks, things went back to being the same. I never thought I would throw in the towel unitl here latley.....its my spirit thats just plain tired!!!
I pray..and have prayed over what might seem to be the best path....

I have lost my father (5years ago, suddenly - Im also an only child),I have lost my 25 year old cousin 8months ago and my aunt 4 months ago. all to cancer.
My mother is stable right now but had a 3rd time bout with cancer herself in the past year......Im in need of alot of things and trying to continue with a marriage that looks not to have light at the end of the tunnel....huh well....He no longer ....or shall i say we no longer seem to be on the same page....sometimes I think he maybe jealous of my pastor and church, though the door is always open for him to attend, come, and or join. I have tried to get him involved with the "sports" and youth at the church to no avail.
I hear what you are saying and I will pick up the book you suggested...
( in the last past year I have fell inlove with the christain book series...Yada Yada by Neta Jackson) Please keep me/ us in prayer and continue to keep in touch, I found myself checking this website a few times today to see if I had a response...which I did, and thank you..I really did need to know someone was hearing me.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1889 Location: Chicago

We'll I'm truly glad you have taken some steps to make changes. But when it appears a spouse is very far from God, it's definitely not easy.

Have you ever gone to counseling together? Would you consider going on your own? In your heart, do you feel you have exhausted every avenue and possibility to make your marriage work? Are you able to pray for your husband? Do you have trusted friends at church as well as your pastor who are willing to pray for your marriage and your husband?

There are some books recommended on GT that have helped women a great deal -

Every Woman's Marriage by Shannon Ethridge and
Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs.
The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie O'Martian

There is something a very good friend of ours has encouraged us to do over the past several years - to have fun together. Whenever we talk to him or see him he'll ask, "Are you guys having fun?"

So, I am passing that encouragement on to you. Are you planning times to have fun? Often, we lose our direction when we forget to do this in our marriage. It's how we fell in love to begin with.

I know it's hard to see why you fell in love with your husband. But, there were qualities that you once loved. That's where I had to travel back to with my counselor. I had to go back and remember... it's what helped me get back to a place of loving my husband again. My focus was entirely on his faults and behaviors and I was forgetting to recognize the gift that God has given me the day we married.

My counselor asked me, " Is your husband is still breathing?"
I responded, "Of course, as far as I know this minute."
Then he said, "You made a covenant, a covenant cannot be broken in God's eyes. So, if your husband is still alive - remember your vows and the promise of until death parts you. Hold onto that and no longer threaten your husband with divorce no matter how frustrated you become. You must ask God to remove this idea from your thoughts. These thoughts are not from God, they are from Satan, because they are completely against His word."

I truly wrestled with God a great deal on this issue because I was very determined to kick him out the door. He would not let my spirit rest - he would not let me have peace. Every time I turned around I would hear a song or read scripture that would pierce my heart and tell me I could not take the steps toward divorce.

Yes, the circumstances drain you - they leave you empty. But, who do you think can fill you up? Do you know that Christ is your heavenly husband? Do you know that He can fill you up with His love, when your husband does not? Do you know He can provide you with strength to handle your circumstances? Do you know that He can give you wisdom to speak with your husband again and again to help him see that you want things to be different between you?

Question: Does hanging out 2-3 times a week until 3 or 4 in the morning involve drinking? May there be an alcohol dependency?

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