How to balance new marriage, parenthood and distance ???

majordel · Newbie Joined: 07 Feb 2005 Posts: 7

Good evening everyone (sorry for the length),
Here is my concerns and interest. I have recently (18 months ago) married a terrific God-fearing, Christ-centered and Spiritually-grounded woman (we are both in our "tremendous 40s") Very Happy

. Between us, we are blending five (5) tremendous young men of God (25, 17, 14, 13, 9). My sons (17, 9) still live with their mother (alternating weekends with us) and our 25 year old is on his own.

We have had our terrific highs (and continue to have) and not-so pleasant lows. The highs, we try to capture and recreate at every chance. I must admit, my wife is better at it than I am Smile

, but I am trying to catch up. But due to my military obligation, I am away from home 5-days/week and sometimes two weeks at a time (I have at least 9 months remaining in this assignment) and that has created a strain on us. See, my wife is not real happy with long distance marriage, as a matter of fact she hates it Mad

, but she is understanding and supportive of what we "have to do" right now.

I am blowing it when it comes to meeting her expectations on time and commitment and intuition. Our 13 year olds is pretty much (99%) with us and not with his father, so his events and activities have been and are today still a major part of my wife's schedule. And I have our 14 year old living with me to help him get back on track academically. When I am asked by my sons (17, 9 year old) to participate in their activities (not on our scheduled weekends), my beauitful wife has expressed (words and expressions) that she expects their mother to handle these events or activities. I know that boys want and need their Dad more as they mature and I want to always be there for them when they call or need, but that is a pointed discussion topic with my wife. And admittedly so I am learning to be that "Dad" figure to our 13 year old. I find myself thinking about how much time I have with our 13 and 14 years old and how much I am not spending with our 17 and 9 year old and I try to compensate for it with being there when they call.

Has anyone on the forum had experience and guidance on realistic game plan for our success, per God's Holy Convenant (quickly)?? I am losing that chemistry between my wife and I that makes us blend so well. Desperately needing prayers, guidance, ideas, sage advice...something Confused

before we become two people sharing a house and not building a God centered home.

God Bless

softy7 · Newbie Joined: 24 Oct 2007 Posts: 16

My husband and I are in a similar situation. He works in town. However, he works long hours/ 6 days a week. So, he has minimal time with our 13 yr old son that lives with his mother. The others are 18 and up, they don't have much time for us these days. He doesn't talk to me much about how he feels, but I know he regrets not being there for our son like before we were married. When he's not working, he is available to our kids that live with us (14,10, Cool

. I pray for him daily and wish I could ease the pain that he feels.
I will pray for your family. We don't realize the effects our decision make on everyone dear to us. But, sometimes we can't control how things turn out. However, God knows all and He knows the changes we will experience. Give it to Him and He will work it out. Just continue to be there for your kids as often as time permits.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 2053 Location: Chicago

Welcome - we're glad you have come to GT.

Marriage has to be the priority after time with God - easier said than done. The kids and their schedules and needs are secondary to you as husband and wife. It's OK to be selfish when it comes to your marriage and it's OK for the kids to know that your wife comes first for you, and that you come first for her. It's a great model of sacrificial love that God designed for marriage.

At this stage of life with teenagers in the house, they can run you dry with emotional and physical needs to a point where you're running in circles and never connecting as husband and wife. Then factor in the distance between you and no wonder you are in a place of feeling disconnected.
It's like that circus act where a clown has multiple plates spinning on sticks and keeps running from one to the other to keep them all spinning.

Kids do not need to be in 101 activities - they need family time more than anything else. And, you need husband and wife time.

My husband and I had our children young - they are already out of the house. We are now watching our friends (in their 40's) run around like crazy taking their kids to various events, eating meals on the road and being so exhausted they have no time for spiritual connection or physical connection - at the cost of their marriage.

It's important to have a minimum of one night a week - just for the two of you. And, when you do go out - do not speak about the kids.

Do you get a chance to talk everyday while you a apart? Can you coordinate or clear schedules so you are not exhausted? Can you call the boy's mother for help?

While you're away - your wife needs a cheerleader. She needs kind words, affirmation for her efforts and appreciation from you. She needs notes and reminders of your love for her. Can you mail her love letters throughout the week or find cards - it will give her something to look forward to.

The Smart StepFamily by Ron Deal and Time Starved Marriage by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are great books to reference. Also, Ron Deal has a wonderful website at www.successfulstepfamilies.com

I have lifted you and your family up in prayer this morning and will be happy to continue to do so.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 368 Location: NJ

Major

I have a blended family, too, so I understand your issues to some extent. There are not any easy answers, but I think you know that. Somehow, some way, you have to try to find ways to make your wife feel loved. That requires that 1) you know and understand what love means to her, and 2) you make the time to do it. After God, she has to be #1 in your life, and she has to know that.

I have a lot to learn in this area myself, so I know it is not easy.

I will pray for you and your family.

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