No physical relationship

newguy · Newbie Joined: 23 Feb 2008 Posts: 2

Oh yeah, remember Romans 5 "suffering brings perseverence which builds character which lead to hope.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1990 Location: Chicago

Have you every said, "I find you desirable and sexy and gorgeous and beautiful - and part of that is wanting to be with you. That means a lot to me. I'm not ready to give up on our physical intimacy, even if that means seeing a doctor, a counselor and our pastor to make this better between us."

seeker · Newbie Joined: 24 Jan 2008 Posts: 14

SAM i've tried it all. Roses and an upscale dinner on Valentine's Day. Nice words spoken every opportunity. She went on a trip this past weekend and I kept the children. When she came back I got her bags out of the car, told her I missed her. She will not go to counseling because she says she knows what they are going to say and its not that she doesn't know it, but she says she just doesn't want to do it.
Our children have taken a backseat to her career and her "wants".

I know I'm not above suffering like my Lord and Savior did. I'll stay and take care of my children as long as I have to. I'll continue to live there and do what I'm supposed to do, BUT it is extremely difficult to live with someone that has no desire for things to change, won't read anything, won't go to counseling. She doesn't even want to talk about it. We can go over a month without talking about our marriage and if i say one thing she says that all I want to do is talk about our marriage. It is frustrating with a capital F.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1990 Location: Chicago

Please consider picking up a couple books by Stormie O'Martian called The Power of A Praying Husband and Every Man's Marriage by Stephen Arterburn.

What do you think God wants you to do with the situation?
Does he want you to love her in spite of her behavior? We love our kids in spite of their behavior. Not that is doesn't make us angry and infuriate us - but we still choose to love them.

Sometimes over the course of several years when there has been no romance and no spiritual connection, the heart grows cold or shrivels up and dies. I don't know your full history together - you may have been the most wonderful loving and romantic man in the world - or you just realized a little while ago that you were severly lacking in this area.
She could be feeling all of this is too little to late.

Continue to love her the way Jesus loves her. You have to tap into his love moment by moment and minute by minute to fill you up - as your human love will simply not endure. His love will.

When our earthly spouse is not meeting our needs - that's where Jesus takes over - you have to ask him to do so.

Keep praying for her - keep loving her - only God can change her. It's hard to sit back and hand her over into his hands... then wait.
And... in the process He may change your perspective and understanding of His selfless, giving, unending and unconditional love.

seeker · Newbie Joined: 24 Jan 2008 Posts: 14

YOu're right. He has already changed me in so many ways.
I came from the "Beaver Cleaver" family every day was normal, holidays and b-days were special but not out of wack. She came from broken horrible marriage. Parents still don't speak. Gifts and special occasions were everything.
She interpreted my actions as trying to get at her, and I didn't understand her. There has been no infidelity. She just didn't feel cherished. Almost 3 years ago she just emotionally packed it in on me and our two daughters. The last 3 years God has really shown me what a relationship with Him is. I knew about Him before, now I know Him. I am completely humbled by the fact that I can do NOTHING to affect this situation.
I can only show her love, not be a stumbling block, and pray. And I'm learning that Jesus had to suffer, so why shouldn't I. BUT IT IS So DIFFICULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seeker · Newbie Joined: 24 Jan 2008 Posts: 14

She is a Christian. Says that she feels embarrased before God about the way she feels, but she won't do anything about it. She even has admitted that she has stopped praying for our marriage.

seeker · Newbie Joined: 24 Jan 2008 Posts: 14

My wife informed me yesterday that she plans to leave/file for divorce after this school year is over. She says she has no feelings for me and that she doesn't want to fight the misery anymore. She says I'm a good husband and father, but she just doesn't feel anything for me. She will not pray about it and does not want to talk about her spiritual relationship. I asked her if she was willing to tell our two young daughters that she was ending our marriage, she said she was. I don't really understand how someone could do that yet not have the courage to turn to a loving God for help other than Satan has blinded her. I know this is spiritual warfare.
We need a miracle. I know God shows up right on time with just enough. My prayer is that my children will be protected from the horrible event that is possibly in their future, and that my wife will know God in a personal relationship. Please pray that my wife will turn to God.

charity1 · Full Member Joined: 07 Jan 2008 Posts: 159

I have a couple of suggestions for you, Seeker. I am a woman, but speaking as a woman who has just been through some major trials in my marriage, I would suggest you tell your wife you would like to make a last ditch effort to save your marriage and buy a book called, "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley and then both of you read it. Ask your wife to read the "His Needs" portion of the book and let her know that you are going to read the "Her Needs" portion, and that if after reading this book and working on the suggestions for 3 months, if she still feels the same way, you will let her go, no questions asked, and then let her, but pray like crazy before, during and after the reading. I'm like SAM, I don't know what kind of husband you were or what kind of wife she was prior to the shutting down, but speaking from experience, I thought I was a great wife and my husband thought he was a great husband, but once we read this book and talked, we realized we were trying to satisfy each other's needs by meeting our own emotional needs, but we needed different things. For instance, I needed tons of affection - hugs, kisses, hand holding, just physical touch, but not just in the bedroom or just when leading up to physical intimacy. I felt like a piece of meat instead of feeling cherished. To him physical intimacy was showing me affection. I didn't realize that sexual fulfillment was what made him feel like a man and pretty much determined his self worth, so when I went along as a duty but didn't let him know how much I admired and wanted him, he felt rejected, even though I rarely turned him down physically. Anyway, communication and meeting each other's emotional needs made all the difference in our marriage. Now we are closer than we've ever been and have been like newlyweds for close to a year now. I don't believe that has to stop if we don't take each other for granted and don't stop meeting each other's emotional needs.

If worst comes to worst and she refuses to try that, go ahead and read the book yourself, and then write her a letter outlining everything you realized you have done wrong through the years (you will realize what she was dissatisfied with as you read the book). Make it a love letter. Tell her all the things you love and admire about her. It's worth a try!! Good luck.

seeker · Newbie Joined: 24 Jan 2008 Posts: 14

Sometimes people will not read or go for counseling and do not want to be helped by the Lord or anyone else. The only thing left is prayer and her answering to the Holy Spirit conviction in her life. We went through a time when we talked about it. I have totally left her alone since she said I tried to control her. I have given it to God, I have peace, she has misery.
In response to your question, there has been no abuse or infidelity. She said I didn't make her feel cherished and that i was too strict on our children. I have asked for forgiveness more than once and God has forgiven me. She won't.
I continue to go through my life daily and take care of our children. People that read this site need to know that everything can't be solved by a book or counseling. Some people won't do either. I do trust that everything works together for good for those who love the Lord. That is my Hope. Please pray that my wife's relationship with the Lord will be healed.

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