Getting to "normal"

soulpurpose · Newbie Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 8 Location: CT

It has been a year since my wife's infidelity had been discovered and God has done an incredible work in us both. This was the second such situation that had arisen in our marriage of 11 years. We both were encumbered with fornication and other generational curses prior to getting married. To make a long story short, we are now at this strange place in our relationship where it is sort of stuck. We have issues with intimacy as one can imagine. I had developed into a selfish person in love and other ways, yet God has worked with me and I have grown considerably. My wife has difficulty opening up to me at times. Communication has been great over the last months and trust has developed as well. But the selfishness has created a situation that is quite hard to deal with; I don't want to make loving advances for fear of rejection and possible coldness. She doesn't want to be intimate it seems because of the fear of being unfulfilled and things ending up the same old way. I do see how I had really taken advantage of her in the past. I had all the wrong ideas about marriage, and it went unchecked until the first affair she had. Then, we never received counseling. But at this point, I don't know what to do. Stay away from each other? Perhaps this is in the wrong posting subject area. We pray together every night and we have been going to marriage counseling for about a year. If you are reading this, say a quick prayer for us. Question

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

I'm so glad that you are going to counseling - but I have to ask, if you are not making progress with your physical intimacy - why not? Has this been brought up with the counselor in more than one session?

God has provided a beautiful book in the bible called Song of Songs - it speaks of the intimacy he has designed between a husband and a wife.
It's wonderful to read and explore together.

So, staying away from each other physically - how's that working for you?
It's not - and it's frustrating and I'm sure its emotionally painful. At what point is one of you going to make the first loving move and swallow pride, anger or bitterness? There is something each of you fell in love with to begin with - there were pleasures you found in each other in the early days and months of your marriage. Start sharing those memories - it is there that you can find hope.

Schedule a romantic weekend away to spend time getting to know each other again.

I have lifted you and your wife up in prayer this afternoon. I pray that the Lord restores your physical love with abundance, fun and joy!

soulpurpose · Newbie Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 8 Location: CT

Yeah, I've mentioned it. At times I thought that my concern for the sexual part of our situation wasn't the root of the problem although my wife thought it was. There are definite spiritual issues with us that are being dealt with. But clearly, in my mind, I guess I thought I needed to get away from thinking about the whole idea of sex. At first, the idea was devastating in context of the situation that we were in. I felt like a complete failure and that I just needed to leave it alone. I feared that the selfish nature of my approach was the driving force behind my concern for this part of our relationship. Whenever I would bring it up in conversation with my wife or in counseling, at times it would seem like it was the inappropriate time. So I vacillate between feeling hopeful in the fact that over time God will help heal us, and despairing, as if things will never get better and that this is as good as it gets. You are right, the time away creates tension and distrust on my part.

soulpurpose · Newbie Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 8 Location: CT

Oh yeah, and another thing-I am torn between seeking the insight of christian authors on the subject or even communicating on this discussion board because it seems like maybe I'm not trusting God. I struggle with this all the time. I often think that maybe I'm just being selfish, but I feel that in my heart I really desire to love my wife and meet her needs. It seems like no time is the right time, and that we both are fearful of rejection in any form. I try to build romantic situations, cook dinner, clean the house, do dishes and laundry, watch the kids, write notes, bring gifts, send flowers, sit and talk at Starbucks- I think I've covered all of the love languages. We still don't really connect and aren't truly free to love. Sad

Are there any books that deal with the reconnection of intimacy after affairs and years of dysfunctional intimacy?

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and Getting Past The Affair by Douglas Snyder, PhD, Donald H. Baucom, PhD, Kristina Cop Gordon, PhD.

webacus · Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 9:13 am Post subject:

Good to hear you're both in counseling-- stay with that.

soulpurpose · Newbie Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 8 Location: CT

Thank you for your responses and your prayers.

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

Our Christian counselor suggested a book by James Dobson called Marriage for a Lifetime. He referred to one specific page that outlined the levels of intimacy. He suggested that we shouldn't try to explore each level until we had fully explored the one before it. The book is small and a quick read. Maybe your church has a copy you can borrow.

soulpurpose · Newbie Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 8 Location: CT

Let me just say that this entire site is a blessing. To know that there are brothers and sisters in Christ who have endured and persevered through times that are in many ways worse than death is powerful and encouraging. God has promised to use these very trials to build character and to glorify Him. I appreciate the prayer and the book selection information. Very Happy

Is anyone out there who has experienced restoration in their marriage able to share what the key was for them to experience victory?

From day to day, I experience great hope and victory. Then there are days when I wonder if this has all been an entire mistake. I KNOW God's promises but at times, they just seem elusive and hard to apprehend.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

soulpurpose · Newbie Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 8 Location: CT

I really appreciate you sharing. There are certainly times when I feel love and it just seems to flow out from the heart. But then when it seems like it doesn't get received or responded to in the same manner in which it is shown, I get discouraged. I guess I need to change my prayer focus to reflect love like Christ and also to get a clean heart. Focus seems to be a key also. Christ loved with incredible consistency and determination, and His love never failed. But when there seems to no change or no acknowledgement of being loving and understanding despite what I consider noteworthy efforts and self-sacrifice, it becomes a continuous trial.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1989 Location: Chicago

Love is a daily choice.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

So very true SAM. In my situation, the keys are patience and constantly putting forth positive thoughts. I appreciate that my husband understands that things are different now. The trust factor is still a big issue with me. I'ts hard to be intimate at times because of lack of trust. It's like I'm scared to put my heart out there again for fear that it will be crushed and trampled on again.

Just know that there are people who are praying for you and your wife. Even those who do not post because we try to be careful about what we say. We can only come at this from our side of our own situation. Keep faith! If we do what God wants us to, we will succeed. Is it hard? Definitely, but in the end, it's so worth the effort.

Love is a daily choice. I like that. I've adopted that as my motto now. So simple, yet so hard sometimes. RJ

soulpurpose · Newbie Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 8 Location: CT

The thoughts and comments are very encouraging and appreciated. I am starting to see that a record of God's promises are an essential part of keeping the right focus. We have to pray the word of God and expect to see it happen as with waiting on a bus. It WILL come, just expect it.
I see how critically important it is to seek a Christ-like attitude. He would do just like you said; love as a choice. I am also aware that what many are experiencing as trials can be used as ministry opportunities for those who feel they have no hope. Has anyone had a change to share their experience in marriage/couples ministry opportunity?

confused77 · Junior Member Joined: 15 Jul 2008 Posts: 41 Location: CA

Sam- You are such a blessing to this board. You are so real with your sharing. I thank Jesus so much for you and this forum, as well as to the others on here that I have not spoken with, this is an awesome forum.

This sounds alot like where I am among other issues.
My question is: After so many storms and things not dealt with, so much confusion it has numbed you, you been on the waves too long and now your lost. How does one get get off the merry go round and get motivated to get back to the right way of things. You get to a point where your heart is so numb you don't feel anything because of so much pain, rejection and confusion. You don't even feel you have right morales any more. You just feel stripped. Your amazed of the heartless things you have done. Your just plain tired you feel like a salmon thats been trying to swim up stream and never make it. You have no idea how to go back and start afresh. Where does one begin?
I am encouraged so much when I hear stories like yours. It makes me want that too.

I could do nothing to change my husband, but I was certainly reponsible for changing me - my attitude, my anger, my bitterness, my resentment and my heart.

I claimed to be a follower of Jesus Christ, but quite honestly was lukewarm to cold in my relationship with him. Anger, bitterness and resentment can not reside in an individual and there be a claim to loving Christ. The two do not compute - because Christ is the embodiment of love.

I had to work on filling my heart with his love and grace and removing everything else.

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