Christian Counsellor suggests divorce....should I?

ilovejesus · Newbie Joined: 10 Feb 2008 Posts: 9

Me and my husband are both 21 and have been maried 3 yrs with two beautiful girls.

He is really involved in gospel music and recently got his own studio. Thats when I noticed a change in him. He barely ever wanted to come home, and when he was home he would just give me attitude. He would pick at me for any little thing (eg. not folding the clothes, washing the dishes) and call me "stupid" or "lazy" and a bad mother because of it.

When I would ask him how he could come from doing gospel music and insult me like that, he would just ask me if I could leave, or else he would leave because he didn't want to be in the same house as me. We got into a really big argument where he took off his ring and threw it outside, then packed his things and left.

I feel like he just wants to do his music and not take care of our family anymore, and this situation was just an excuse for him to leave. Today I checked his email and noticed that he is telling people that I tried to put him in jail - which is a complete and total lie.

He even invited my cousin to his studio- which I think is because he wants to get back at me and possibly cheat on me with her because he is very spiteful. He also told me that I'm going to have to suffer with the children by myself.

This is the second time we've been seperated in our 3 yrs of marriage. I have been seeing a Christian counsellor and she suggested that I divorce him because he is verbally and emotionally abusive.

I don't know if I should, although I feel this is the best option because we never got along anyway. In this situation do I pray for him to come home, or should I just divorce him? I mean, he doesn't care about me or the kids - he doesnt even call.

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

I would be concerned about your Christian counselor giving in so easily to divorce. That is rather strange.

It sounds like "gospel" music is just a musical style to this young man. Since I don't know you, I can't say for sure, but I have a few questions.

Do you have a church home where both of you are linked in? Does he have Christian men that he can be accountable to in his leadership in the home and the way that he is living?

Is this the Christian life you set out on together? You say that you have never got along, that is really sad and it doesn't sound like God was at the center of what the two of you were doing together. Look at your own anger first, as women tend to use verbal confrontation with much more impact then men. The Bible says, Matthew 7:3-5 3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Since you can not change him, you can only change your heart. Pray for a softness in both of your hearts. Pray to your heavenly father for the comfort you need to bear this burden. Draw closer to him.

Your husband has some growing up to do. The Bible tells husbands, Ephesians 5:25 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing [a] her by the washing with water through the word. That means that you are to be his top priority here on earth. The order is God, Spouse, and Children. He falls below those priorities. If he were giving his all to God the other two would be easy to see.

There are several young couples that I know that are "doing Gospel Music" as a family. I would suggest you look them up and ask them what they are doing to make it work. One would be Eric and Mandy http://www.myspace.com/eamacoustic. They have toddlers and are on the road with their kids giving their all to God. The other is Ian and Johnna with http://www.takenoglory.com. They are both 20-somethings that are living in the Christian music scene and trying to show God's grace in their everyday lives. Listen to their music. Download the albums if you want. Feel free to contact either couple.

God Bless

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

ilovejesus · Newbie Joined: 10 Feb 2008 Posts: 9

Greenwidow and Sam:

Thank you for responding. We did not have a church family, and were kind of looking for a church to call "home." We both used to go to a church last year but stopped attending because we moved.

We had been reading Christian books and doing devotions daily prior to him getting the studio. And he is surrounded by Christian men because his studio is located within another Christian business. At least one of them knows whats going on, but I dont know if they are holding him accountable.

He has access to the studio in the night, and this morning my friend said he called the business and my husband answered the phone. When my friend said he was coming by there, he said my husband sounded nervous like he had a girl with him or was trying to hide something. He is able to act like he is doing music in the daytime, but when everyone is gone he can do what he likes and invite whoever he wants.

This makes me so angry because when I checked his email last night, I saw all these new females giving him their phone numbers.
Am I supposed to stay in a relationship where my husband is bent on cheating on me and talking to other women??
I am praying and trying to draw closer to God. Im reading Power of a Praying Wife, but all I feel is anger towards my husband who basically just abandoned all of us.

SInce I don't have a home church, I dont know who else to turn to. I am kind of wary about my Christian counsellor too, she said divorce was permissible if there is abuse (emotional/verbal). She said the kids shouldnt be witnessing that type of thing, and I agree so maybe its better that he's gone. I just dont know if I should make it permanent....

It just doesnt seem fair that he can go out and take all the time he wants doing his music, while I'm always home taking care of our children. I've sacrificed so much to be a good mother and wife, and he gets to follow his dreams.

SOrry if I sound sulky, but if it takes 10 years for him to change, then I should wait ten years??!! He already doesnt call about the kids, or offer ny financial support even though the mortgage is due in 2 weeks and I have no idea where the money is coming from. I have filed for child support, but it will take at least a month before i get any money. And he'll probably quit because he is spiteful and wants to see me suffer.

Does God want me to be married to a husband who doesnt care about being a husband?

I'm confused ...

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

We look at marriage through the world's eyes instead of God's.
When you made a promise to marry, it was not a contract - it was a covenant.

When we make a covenant - it is for life. A contract can be broken, a covenant cannot.

Yes, even if your husband is unfaithful - can you still love him the way Jesus does? Even if he is abandoning you for his love of music - can you still love him the way Jesus does?

Can you fight off the urge to get revenge? To make him hurt like he is hurting you? Revenge is not Jesus's way. Loving him in spite of his sin... is.

There is something you saw in this man that made you fall in love with him to begin with. That is what you hang on to.

God will deal with him - justly. He does not let sin go unpunished.

It's hard to let this rest in God's capable hands because we have a desire to "control" the situation.

There is a wonderful book by Dr. James Dobson called Love Must Be Tough. It will help you set appropriate boundaries so you protect yourself and do not become a doormat to his whims and it will help you release him to the Lord.

ilovejesus · Newbie Joined: 10 Feb 2008 Posts: 9

But didnt Jesus allow for some covenant relationships to be broken? Like in situations of abuse and adultery?
Can I not love my husband, but let him go? To tell you the truth Sam, I dont even know why I married him. Actually I do - because I didnt want to be lonely anymore, an obvious wrong reason to marry.
Even a prophet came to our church and warned us not to get married. But we did anyway - against the word of God. Is this why we have so many problems? And if so, would God be upset if I just divorced him and started over? I feel better that he's gone and I just want to forget about him.
I have Dobson's book and read it, but his suggestions would only work if my husband wanted to come back - which he doesn't.
A divorce would not really be much different from how we're living right now-what would be the difference?

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

Your question is an old one that even the Pharisees of Jesus time asked.

Matthew 19
3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"
4 "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' 5 and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

7 "Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?" 8 Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

Jesus didn't advocate divorce, he outlined the reason one might happen. Even with Biblical reasons a marriage can be pulled off life-support and will breath on it's own again.

Jesus said, Luke 6:27-28 27 "But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.

This even means your spouse.

Pray, because your heart is hard. Pray, because his heart is hard. Pray.

You are foolish, if you think you are ever going to forget him. You are going to have at least 18 more years of constant contact. My parents have been divorced 37 years and I can assure you that each of them thinks about that divorce at least once a week. It has affected both of them in the choices they made since that day. They thought they had fallen out of love and life was too hard. There is a lot more to living than what you feel at the moment.

Do you love Jesus? Follow his words.

ilovejesus · Newbie Joined: 10 Feb 2008 Posts: 9

Greenwidow, you're right *sigh*

My heart is hard and I'm very bitter. Jesus said that if we love him, we will follow what he says. I guess if I'm finding it hard to love my husband who I've been with and loved for over 5 yrs, how can I claim to love Jesus whom I've never (physically) seen before? I know He talks about that in the Bible.

Thank you for the example about your parents - my parents are also divorced and still talk about each other all the time. I should learn my lesson. But its very hard...I'm always thinking about what he's doing and who he's talking too. It hurts so much.

How do I get rid of the pain?

I thought forgetting about him would get rid of it, but thank you for pointing out that I would be lying to myself.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

Quote:

How do I get rid of the pain?

By laying it in Jesus hands. He endured such great pain for us - unimagineable pain. He fully understands what you are experiencing and more. He knows your heart is torn out of your chest and you are absorbed with worry.

I know that out of my deepest darkest moments, God has done his best work in me. It's because I had to depend on him and stop depending on myself. I had to rest in his assurance - that we will all have great trials in life. But from those trails we develop our faith, perserverance and character.

James 1:2-8

2-4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

5-8If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.

ilovejesus · Newbie Joined: 10 Feb 2008 Posts: 9

Thank you SAM. I feel alot better now knowing that I've left everything to God. There's nothing else I can do but pray.

God Bless.

secured · Full Member Joined: 30 Jan 2008 Posts: 113

((((((ilovejesus))))))

Isn't the wisdom that you get here wonderful. I am so grateful for this site. On days that it's hard to "keep faith", I read and find strength again through the comments and scriptures written. Remember God's timing is different from ours. We want a quick fix on issues that have been around a while. I do anyway. The pain can be so overwhelming sometimes. So much so that I sometimes have to refuse to dwell. That's when I definitely know that only God can deal with it. I get so tired and worn out dealing and worrying. I do find when I lay it at HIS feet, I experience such peace, amazing peace.

Know that you and your family are in so many prayers. RJ

rdsmith3 · Full Member Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 274 Location: NJ

Thre is nothing I can really add to the wise counsel you have received from some of the great women on this site. They have given you solid, biblical advice.

I want to give you one more angle to consider. Divorce is a truly horrible experience. It is not a solution. You cannot go through your marriage thinking that you have this trump card you can play when the going gets tough. Divorce is emotionally, financially and spiritually draining. Going through a divorce and living as a single parent could be far worse than your damaged marriage. You will spend thousands in legal fees. Your children will be permanently affected by the experience. You will continually wonder where things went wrong, and why. Your relationship with God might even suffer.

Imagine a different scenario. Through God's grace, you will survive this crisis and emerge with a better marriage. Your marriage and your family will be centered on God. You will learn to trust Him. You will be better able to meet future challenges from the evil one. You will grow closer as a couple and as a family because you learned to rely on Him.

I pray for this outcome for your marriage.

ilovejesus · Newbie Joined: 10 Feb 2008 Posts: 9

Secured: Yes, I love this site! I was googling "Christian advice" and I kind of just stumbled onto it. I stopped worrying about the situation yesterday cuz if I continue worrying about it, I wont be able to concentrate on anything else. Thank you (and everyone) for your prayers.

rdsmith3: Thank you for your prayers as well. I am already a single parent b/c my husband disappeared and hasnt called or given me any financial support since he left.

My concern is that he won't come back...at what point do you stop waiting for your spouse to come back? Or do you just keep waiting forever - even if he has moved on with his life? What if he wants to divorce me but just doesn't have the money to do it?
And what about pastors like Joyce Meyer who divorced her abusive husband and is now happily married to her second husband?

rdsmith3 · Full Member Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 274 Location: NJ

I am really sorry you are going through this. I truly do understand how difficult it is. I am just trying to say that it is too soon to give up on this marriage, and divorce is not a magic cure. It brings much pain with it.

I was reading the Bible at lunch time today and thought of you when I read Romans 15:5-6

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1858 Location: Chicago

I have a friend who waited over 4 years for her husband.
He eventually did file and remarried shortly thereafter.

I have another friend who actually divorced. She fought her husband
for months and months - then finally let it go and allowed the divorce.
She never dated and never remarried - out of the blue he called her 5 years later to say he was sorry for all the pain he caused her - then they started talking more and more, then they started seeing each other again and dating - then they remarried and have been happily remarried for over 20 years.

Each situation is unique and I don't think we can compare our marriages to others - including Joyce Meyers.

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