He doesn't want to be a father

tinkbit8 · Newbie Joined: 01 Feb 2008 Posts: 1

My husband and I have 6 kids. We are a blended family (2 are his, 2 are mine, 2 are ours). We have 4 teenagers and it's extremely hard right now. Every day someone is mad, and fights are typical.

For example, yesterday my son texted me from school to say he was staying late. When he got home, I told him that he got really lucky that I checked my phone because I usually don't when I'm at home. (I only have the phone for when I'm at work, in case they need me) I told him to just call the house instead, so I'd be sure to get the call. This resulted in a fight, with him yelling at me about how I should check my phone at home, he couldn't call the house phone, etc.

This is an every-day occurance. Someone is mad (and it's usually at me) constantly. My husband jumped on the bandwagon last night and said the he feels caught in the middle and there are things that he shouldn't be dragged into. I couldn't understand this, as he is the father. They are our children... I need his help. 1 teenager would be a handful but we have 4, and 2 more that will be soon.

He said that he's got a thousand things going on and I told him that I felt like the kids should be one of those things. I mean, I work too! It's only part-time, yes, but I have other things going on as well.

I'm so tired of having it all on me, and I don't think I should feel guilty when I ask my husband to help me out. If he even responds (and most of the time he doesn't -- I don't even know when he's heard me or not because he just ignores me), he makes me feel bad because I've asked for help.

I feel that we are both the parents, and we should share the responsibility. Having a conversation with the kids sometimes is emotionally draining. Well, I'm sure a lot of people with teenagers will know what I mean. You just can't say anything right, and they always know so much more than we do (I'm sure I acted like this as a teenager too, and if I did, I feel so sorry for my grandma, who raised me. lol).

My question is, is this normal? Have any of you experienced this? He is just not interested in helping me parent them at all. He's great at taking them to where they need to be, providing for them, etc, but when it comes to telling them that certain behavior is not acceptable, he just leaves it all on me. Then I'm the bad guy and his hands are clean.

I'm so frustrated right now. And hurt. When he told me that he had too many things going on and shouldn't be dragged into disagreements, it really hurt. I just want some help. Am I being unreasonable? I just need some opinions from someone who isn't close to the situation. Maybe I can see where I'm going wrong if someone else can explain it to me.

Thanks in advance for any help you can give us.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1991 Location: Chicago

The situation with teenagers is very typical - mom and dad have lost their brain cells and the kids have sucked them up into their head, so mom and dad are now brainless. Laughing

I once heard someone say that aliens came and took their teenagers minds and bodies over when they turned 12 and returned them at 24.

It is horribly draining to a marriage. The stress, the constant pickering do take its toll.

Many men feel they are providing for their families as long as they work hard and bring a paycheck home and interact with the kids. So, your husband is thinking he is doing all he needs to do. Men don't often think about the emotional toll that teenagers have on their moms.

Take some time out for the two of you to go out somewhere and lay out a plan for discipline and consequences for the kids that you can both live with. Right it down in bullet points.... not long drawn out sentences. My husband gets bullet points really well. Very Happy

So, it's not a matter of who's right or wrong in their approach - it's a matter of how men and women look at things differently in terms of financial and emotional provision for their families.

While my girls were teenagers I once told a friend I wanted to become an ostrich. Bury my head in the sand and stay there. It was so darn frustrating at times that you want to give up. But, she encouraged me to seek family counseling - which really helped. And, to lean on God more in prayer for my kids and my marriage. God wants us to raise healthy kids and he tells us he'll walk through the journey with us. Also, my husband and I joined a couples group at church to have community with other parents with kids and just being able to share things and know other people were walking through the same struggles really helped us.

There is a great book by Ron Diehl called The Smart Step Family that I highly recommend that covers much of what you are dealing with as a family. Also, I just read How To Get Your Husband To Listen To You by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby that is quite eye opening.

rdsmith3 · Veteran Joined: 04 Oct 2006 Posts: 334 Location: NJ

Raising kids is tough enough; raising teenagers is more difficult; and raising them in a step family is even harder.

It is important for you and your husband to be together. If you are not, the kids will take advantage of that. Kids know when they can split parents.

greenwidow · Full Member Joined: 14 Aug 2006 Posts: 112

A girl friend of mine is going through this same thing. The oldest child was doing poorly in a class and was constantly at odds with mom when updates came home from school. Her husband was completely unwillingly to engage in the process since he was getting home from work so late and he didn't want to engage the child when he got home, because he felt that the kid had already dealt with it enough.

I suggested that she forward the next update, in the middle of the day to her husband's email account. He got the report and called her in a matter of minutes to discuss why he was getting it. When he saw the problem in black and white from another source he was willing to take the bull by the horns when he got home. He had a full 50 minutes to stew about the trouble that was being caused.

Sometimes moms are the first line of defense and they get the brunt of what goes down in the household.

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