Our Life

SCDad · Newbie Joined: 26 Jan 2008 Posts: 1

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. For most of that time our sex life has been bad to non-existant. At this point she says she hates sex and the times we are together there is no intimacy, just a desire to get it over with. She tells me it is not me but her not getting over her past. I try to believe her but I can't.

When we met I was a virgin and she had had multiple partners. Most of them were a one time thing. She did have an extended sexual relationship with her boyfriend in high school.

Her explanation of not being able to get beyond her past is understandable to me. My desire is for her to be able to do that, but it has been years and nothing has changed. Even if it is not me, the rejection takes its toll. Six years ago I had an affair. We have brought our marriage back together from my deception. But the underlying problem is still there.

I have an anger, that is constantly chasing me. I pray that I do not let it overtake me. I feel rejected, unloved. I feel she would rather live with the past than live with me.

I guesss there is no answer, other than be patient and wait on the Lord. I just need support and prayer.

SAM · Veteran Joined: 03 Mar 2001 Posts: 1846 Location: Chicago

I have lifted you and your marriage up in prayer this morning and will be happy to continue to do so.

It seems that the two of you are in a place of being "stuck". And, when two people get to this place of just co-existing without passion, the marriage usually dies.

If the past is affecting both of you, which it is, then it's time to consider getting serious help with a Christian counselor. If your wife will not go, then please go for yourself. You cannot change her or her heart, but you can work on your own.

We all get into ruts and patterns in our marriages that are destructive - but we can work through them. God is certainly capable, but he also see's the hardness of our hearts. He has a much more difficult task working with a hardened heart.

When my marriage was going through a very difficult period, it had more to do with my heart condition than my husband's. I wasn't exactly being very Christlike... and as believers we need to become more like him everyday. More loving, more giving, more gentle, more patient, more serving of others and more self-controlled. Yet, most of the time we are fighting for what we believe is rightfully ours - that's were selfishness enters the picture. And, I found that my marriage was not going to survive with an attitude of selfishness.

What if the two of you prayed together and asked God to restore your passion for each other? It was once there. Read Song of Solomon together - it's pretty steamy and is God's design for intimacy in marriage.

God really wants your marriage to be all that it can be, but just idlely sitting back and waiting on Him... is not what He wants you to do.
We don't just sit back and wait for Him to grow us into fully devoted followers of Christ. We have to take steps on our own to do that. Just like with our marriage - we have to take steps to grow and make changes.

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